Linking, Linking, and More Linking

Buster weighs 15 pounds now! He is half the size and twice the age of FattyFatFat!

Man. Things have been busy here in El Paso! First we had that thing, then that other thing, then napping. Man. Busy!

In the meantime, here are some random bits and pieces I keep wanting to tell you about but haven't, due to the Busy.

1. I have found the PERFECT laundry concoction, in terms of smells and washingness. First, Method detergent in Clean Linen Scent. It comes in a pump and you use four squirts for your load. No drippy cups or measuring things or spouts. Also, refillable. THEN ADD THE SECRET INGREDIENT: Purex Crystals. They look like rock salt but smell like Lavender (in the scent I get, which is what you should get) and you put them in the wash and they sniff up your laundry in a serious fashion. Like, the other day I was lounging in bed and noticed a lovely scent and sniffed my undershirt and was all "Hey! Lavender!" and we all know I had been wearing it for, like, twelve days due to the Busy. If you go to Facebook and search for Purex and Like them they will give you a buck off. Which I am all about because I am a pimp for Facebook coupons.

2. Did you watch Downton Abbey this January? No? How about Upstairs Downstairs? No? You are dead to me. Go watch Upstairs Downstairs until May 24 on PBS.org. I am re-watching UD after refreshing myself on the politics of abdication and all the back-players in the British fascist regime. ARE YOU HAPPY, CARINA?

3. Nick Jr and the like need to stop importing shows from Canada. Aside from Kids in the Hall and the original, non-soft-core Degrassi Canada shows are crap. I point to Dino Dan if you need proof. I am not linking because I hate it that much.

4. I signed up for this site that gives me free stuff if I blog about it or whatever, and I haven't done much with it because I haven't been thrilled with the things. But then they sent me the L'oreal Double Extend Mascara Of The Gods and now I am telling you that you need to get it. It is amazing. And I am a High-Ticket Mascara purchaser. The also sent me the L'oreal One Sweep Eye Shadow and it is pretty rad, too, but I am not as fanatic about eye shadow as I am about mascara, so it is not as exciting to me. But this mascara, freaking awesome. My lashes look really really really really long. And SPARKLY.

5. Six more weeks of kindergarten. We had to order a cap and gown for Jooj. Really.

Back soon with more things. And Buster. Which I know is all anyone wants to see. And Jooj, for Continuity and Sass.


I was sent the L'oreal makeup to review, but the opinions are mine. If Purex or Method or PBS or England or Wallis Simpson or Fascism want to send me anything, I would totally take it. Canada, please stop sending me your television shows.

We Swing Over the Scorpions and the Dog Poop.

(I am linking this up here for Family Fridays)

Just a Minute in a Day in the Life

This is what you are missing when you don't visit me.

Untitled from

Lovely

Still not ready to commit, but I needed to put this onto the netherweb:

Jooj: "Mami, remember when we went to that shop and got cotton candy and those girls took my pictures and I was all fancy like Jerseylicious?"

Me: "You mean when we went to the craft fair and Papi's FRG ladies took your picture because you helped them take down their booth? They took your pictures because you were such a great helper, and also so cute."

Jooj: "No. They took my pictures because my poses were so fierce."

Breakfast

She does not know that the video is recording; she thinks I am just taking a picture of Buster.

Also, did you see that both she and he are Super Stars?

Amor

Imagine the chorus from "Tomorrow" from that hit Broadway play Annie.
Now substitute the words for:

Tony the Tiger!
He's so handsome!
I want you in my heart!
Tony the Tiger!
I love you!
You will be my prince!

That's what Jooj has been singing for two weeks, now.

Apparently there is a boy at her table named Tony*. The kids call him "Tony the Tiger" because they are freaking witty. And five. Jooj is in love with him. It is serio, friends.

She can barely go five sentences without confiding "Mami, he is So Handsome!"**
She breaks into song at all opportunities.

Last week she came running to me when I went to pick he up
"Mami! Tony the Tiger asked me to marry him!"
I responded with congratulations and then reminded her that she was not allowed to get married until she was in college.
"But Mami! I already gave him my word! I have to keep my word! I don't want to break his heart!"

I told her that it was great to keep her word, and since she had already given him her word, they could remain betrothed, but she needed to remember the rule for future suitors.

That day we went to the Hobby Lobby. She pointed out all of the hot pink flowers and told me she wanted them in her bouquet for the wedding.

I am not making this up. She is five.

The next afternoon she had badgered Tony with her love so much that he called the wedding off. She took it well and told him how she wasn't really allowed to get married anyway.

Her father took her aside and explained how boys do not like girls to bug them about love and marriage, especially at such a young age. She was pragmatic about it.
"I will still love him, but just not talk to him about our love!"

Excellent.

*There is also a kid named either Elmer or Abner. I can't get a straight answer from her.
** She only speaks in italicized exclamations. Or screams of anger.

She is THAT child.

Mami: "So, how was school?"
Jooj: "Well, everyone had their star moved down to DARK blue today. And Carlos 1 had a BLACK star."
Mami: "Wow! Everyone?"
Jooj: "Well, everyone at my table."
Mami: "Hmm?"
Jooj: "Well, just me and Jacob and Carlos 1."
Mami: "What happened?"
Jooj: "Well, I tooted. And then we couldn't keep our legs from being silly."
Mami: "Because you tooted?"
Jooj: "Yes. It was SO hilarious."

BTS, Baby!

Monday night we had our first Back to School Fanniny HaNeevening ala NieNie. I have been inspired for the past few years by her emphasis on the special night, but did it LaYen style. (Not as fancy. Or breakable.) I asked Jooj what she wanted for her special dinner and she replied "Lobster. Because I've never had Lobster." Later on in the week I asked her again, and she said "Lobster. And Crab and Lobster." Finally, when I asked her for her final decision she went with spaghetti and meatballs. Thank heavens. Because I do NOT want to know what Rio Grande Lobster would taste like. I am guessing beans and desperation. Or Horchata.

I set the table with paper stars and Silly Bandz, and she got a new princess crown (that I did not make) to wear for the dinner. She was really thrilled. We talked about our family theme for the year and then made goals for her. After considerable prayer, we decided on

Phillippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

We talked a lot about how we can do hard things because of Jesus and His Atonement. Then we wrote our goals on the back of the stars, and our scripture on the front. I got a double picture frame and put the quote in the bottom picture, and her first day of school picture will go on top. Then she had a fashion show with her new school uniforms. And then threw a fit or seven when it was bedtime.

The next morning she was up at the crack of dawn--literally. Six AM here is barely light. We weren't sure how long it would take her to get ready, so we got her up half an hour earlier than we needed to. Which meant we had more time for fits!

Please to notice that my kid has $50 shoes. She has been begging for Skechers for two years. It is one of her sight words. We are screwed.

She was really great about getting ready, and got angrier and angrier that we weren't leaving immediately. When we finally started walking to school she was bouncing with joy and anxiety. And telling me to not cry. And then telling me I had better cry.

We walked her to her class, she shooed us out the door, and there we stood. W pulled me home where I went to bed for two hours. Then he took me to lunch and consoled me. I felt like I had lost my baby forever.

Silly Mami! She came home with a fever and missed the next day. And Friday was sent home early for Pink Eye. She will never leave the house for real. Thanks, Kindergarten!

A Brief Interlude Where I Almost Die of Sorrow

My baby is in kindergarten today.
I feel like the world is a lonely, hopeless place. One where mothers have to send their babies to kindergarten.
I am spending my day Googling skin cancer signs. Because it makes me feel better.
Woe.
Is.
Me.

W is making me get up and go to Kohl's.
Doesn't he know that I might die from Kindergarten despair?
Or skin cancer?

And the boy has pooped through three outfits.
Even he feels the sting of a desperate world.

And the worst part?
She doesn't even care about my extreme melancholia.

Oh, the sufferin'.
Somebody get me a Bufferin.

It is all my own fault, too.
I raised her to be independent and adventurous.

I will not make that mistake with the boy.
He will take me to college with him.

Stupid kindergarten.

Wherein W Missed a Crowning Achievement Because He was at Home Getting My Lesson that I Forgot to Bring Because I Have Pregnant Brain

Jooj bore her testimony in church yesterday. It was a total surprise. And completely unencouraged.

For the record, I hate it when kids bear their testimonies in Sacrament Meeting. I know, you probably love it, but I don't. It stirs up all sorts of anger and irritation and issues in me. All of which, I'm going to tell you 'bout, right now!

I don't think the kids know what they are saying.
It sounds brainwashy.
It sounds manipulative.
I don't think it is cute.
If your mom or dad has to tell you what to say, it is not a testimony.
I don't like the sound of breathing in the microphone.
I believe it to often be more about a desire to receive public praise from adults and family members than about a sincere desire to state the love of God and the knowledge of His true church.

~J and I have talked at length about how I hate this. She has told me that, in her family, when the kids decide they want to say their testimonies they start practicing at home. They learn what a testimony is, what they can say, and what they cannot say. They are encouraged to practice during Primary. They know that mom is not going to accompany them to the pulpit and whisper in their ears; they will be on their own. They are not going to get a reward for venturing to the front of the room and breathing in the microphone. I had absolutely planned on doing this one day. Because she is only five. She has had zero interest in this. She is only five.

And then, yesterday, after watching the parade of children, coached by their parents, saying the exact litany of phrases as the first child, she announced to me that she wanted to do it, too.

I told her no.*

And someone whispered inside of me "Wait, let her try."

Hurriedly I asked her what she wanted to say. She told me three sentences.

I told her I was not going up there with her. She said that was just fine.

I asked her what she was going to say again--she repeated her previous three sentences, but with more irritation and an eye roll.**

I moved aside.

She marched up. Marched. Stood at the podium and in a clear, sweet voice said

"I know the church is true. I know Jesus loves me. I know he watches over me. In Jesus' name, amen."

Then she marched back down to our pew and resumed coloring.

And--here is the thing--I know she knows that. It wasn't manipulative or brainwashy. I know she actually knows those things. Within her limited experience and frame of reference, she knows that the church is true. She has had numerous experiences where she has learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus loves her, and she knows that He watches over her. She knows that. It is a part of her life. And she recognizes that she knows those truths. She was able to pick out three things that she knows, process them, and express them to the entire congregation without coaching or fear. Just some marching. Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good. Because she knows those things. And I know that she knows.

And something inside of my ice-cold, child-hating heart melted a little.

Don't get me wrong, I still hate it when kids bear their testimonies in sacrament meeting. But I hate it a tiny*** bit less.





*This is the same child that was not allowed (by me) to participate in the Primary Program last year because she refused to say her part without exclaiming "Boobies!" at the end. And I will not be that family.

**It is to her great luck that the first time she rolled her eyes at me we were in a public place in a state where I didn't know the child abuse laws; I was unaware as to what would get me reported to the authorities and so did not throw her through a window, as was my first inclination. Now I have gotten used to it and she is safe in her sass. Also, I have no idea where she learned to do it. Cram it, W.

*** 1/100000000000

There is no Self-Esteem When You Have a Four Year Old.

Jooj: Mami! Come stand by me and I will draw you!
Me: Okay.
Jooj: Eyes, nose, happy face, legs, BIG BIG BIG BIG belly, hands...and...Ta-Daaa!
Me: Wow.

In other news, it's a boy. A boy who has given me gestational diabetes.

Groundhog's Day

Jooj: So, does he come down the chimney?
Me: No.
Jooj: Does he talk?
Me: No.
Jooj: Do I sit on his lap?
Me: No.
Jooj: Is he a snake that eats us?
Me: No. He is like a big hamster.
Jooj: Does he dance? Does he have elves?
Me: No.
Jooj: [silence] Why do we like him?
Me: I don't know. Have a conversation heart.

If You Haven't Got a Hay Penny, Then Shake Your Booty.

Turn your volume way up, for the first time in her entire life she was kind of quiet.**












**Lyrics: We wish you a merry boobies, (repeat thirty million times) at Christmas Eve. We wish you a shaky booty (repeat again thirty million times) on Christmas Eve.

Updates.

There have been no posts. I know. You want to know why? The choking on the face. It is all-encompassing. I spend 90% of my day trying not to move, and then the remaining 10% over the toilet because I moved. But, since my stomach is entirely free of substance, I thought I would give you an update. I am a giver, you know. Cry for me, Argentina.

Update:
All I do is vomit.

Jooj has the following super powers: Running super fast, running super-duper fast, shaking her booty super fast, running slowly, and running REALLY REALLY super fast. She reminds me that she has super powers, and can't turn them off, every day.

W is a prince. All he does is cater to me and bring me food and drink, which I throw up.

If one more person tells me "It is good you are sick--it means the baby is healthy/happy/strong" I will punch them right in the throat.

I am officially a "mature pregnancy." I am six years too young for a "geriatric pregnancy."

Jooj is awesome. I have decided I am fine with just one.

W is awesome. He is never to bring his sperm near me again.

Off to work on my abs some more.

La Yen out.

It's an Unpopular Position, but she Certainly Owns it.

Jooj: Mami, I hate babies.
Me: Really?
Jooj: Yes. I hate babies. I don't know why, but I hate them.
Me: What about (names three or four babies we know)?
Jooj: I like those babies. But babies who have Mamis and Papis and I don't know those Mamis and Papis, I just, I just hate those babies. I don't know why. I just hate them.
Me: What about when we have a baby?
Jooj: Oh, I will like that baby. It is just babies with Mamis and Papis that I don't know. I hate those babies.
Me: OK.

It's a Start...

I recently limited the amount of TV Jooj watches. (This was just as much for me, as for her, as I have a tendency at about noon to turn on the TV and collapse in exhaustion while she watches something and something and something and something and something and then I wake up.)

Now she gets four shows a day, and is not ever allowed to watch anything "Tween." (We started letting her watch HanMantanna and ICaryee and Wizards, and found that there was a distinct correlation to sassiness and yelling on TV and in her mouth.)

So what is she doing at this very minute, you ask?

Watching TV outside.

She stands up, yells "And Now... It's Time... for FreshBeats! Go get em!" and then sits down.

Then she stands up, yells "OK, Disney Channels, you sit down now and It's Time... for Backyardigans!"

Then she stands up and yells "OK, Now... It's Time... for Good Guys and Bad Guys (Estar Guars) to Fight with HanMantanna!"

Way to use your imagination, Jooj.

Who Gave Her a Microphone?

Because that person is fired.

What HAVEN'T We Been Up To?

We won an awesome sun hat from Sew Fierce


Played with "Bumbaroos"

Learned how to make bubble snakes

Got and mauled a new puppy

And had some picnics with Papi when he could sneak away from work and meet us at the pool.

Pretty good July.

Our bowling alley in the EP is FULL of lightly colored refuse.

The bowling alley down the street is advertising $1 games for the summer. And it is air conditioned. So we went. (Note to those looking to move to the EP: You will do almost ANYTHING to get into some refrigerated air. If the "gentlemens' club" had $1 games, we would go there.)

Jooj had a good time. Until she smashed her finger. But then she ate nachos, so it was okay. Then she threw some fits and got a yellow card*. Then we came home. THE END.

PS I got a new camera. I kind of really hate it. We will see if I return it. I miss my old camera. Curses.
PPS Our slutty fish keep impregnating each other. Is there any sort of fish IED I can purchase?

*Yellow cards are the new verbal warning. She went to a Dodgeball game with W and saw some soldiers get thrown out after receiving yellow, then red cards. She gets many yellows a day, but only one or two reds. Thanks, sporting events!

Maybe This Will Explain Why I Have Not Posted Lately:

Jooj: Dear Hea-Ne-Nee Father, Sank you for the days of the week. Please help Mami and Papi to not be the boss of me. Jesus name, Amen.