Grandpa Joe Beans

Yesterday was my Grandpa Joe's birthday. He died a few years ago, and on his birthday I always make his favorite dinner, Grandpa Joe Bean Soup. It is super ghetto navy bean soup with ham, but he was in the navy. Get it? Get it?

Soak your navy beans overnight.
Then put them in the crock pot with enough broth or water to cover them. Add some chopped ham and--wait for it--a goodly amount of ketchup. Cook on low for 6-8 hours.

Some great things about my Grandpa Joe:

He worked for Firestone for ten jillion years. He had a hidden supply of actual, honest-to-goodness Wham-O Superballs that he would break out. We routinely were injured from them. It was awesome.

He used to play a game with me where he would stop talking, fake passing out, and say "I'm out of gas." Then I would kiss him. Then he would be ready to go again. (This familiarity with the phrase and obligatory kisses made college W really love Grandpa Joe.)

He loved ice water. Icy ice water.

He also loved sports. Baseball and golf, mostly. He would watch TV and listen to his transistor radio at the same time.

He was super tan. SUPER TAN. Which did not work out too well with his health in the long run.

He liked to garden and had a cool tool shop in his garage.

He was an awesome grandfather.

I really enjoyed sharing this with Jooj. Luckily, the rest of my grandparents are still alive so we don't have honorary dinners for them. Jooj just visits them when we vacation. But it got me thinking about how we need to honor the rest of our families.

Maybe we will have some celebrations for the living. I can see it now: We eat Hot Cheetos and Steak for my dad, something disgusting for my mom (like sherbet), and something in a sauce for Papo. CayCay night requires Mr. Goodbars and for Tio Ricky day we go to Wendy's. For Grandma Bev and Aunt Margaret we also go out, but to Carl's Jr and we get a Superstar on sourdough with cheese, onions, and extra pickles. And we argue with the people who work there. Oh, and we have to get a Diet Coke with REAL lemon and a splash of regular Coke. And a splash of Sprite. And for Grandpa Kent we just have a bowl of bread and milk.

What would you do to honor your family?

Why Must You Turn My Kitchen Into a House of Lies?

The other day I went to Marshall's, because I needed some new running shoes. Because I am SO active, you know. What with my mile a day. Or not. And while I was there, I found a copy of the Jessica Seinfeld book about hiding vegetables in your carbs. It was $6.99, which is what I would spend in late fees if I were to borrow it from la biblioteca, so I ponied up.

Let me preface this by saying that, for all her nakedness and sass, Jooj will eat veggies like a champ. A cham-peen, if you will. I bought it mostly for me. Because I am lazy. (Have we discussed how I am lazy? Yes? Good.) I love veggies. I will eat them all day. If someone else makes them. I just can't be bothered. I would rather spend my energy eating cereal and sammies. So, I thought, if I can just thrown them in something, I will eat them, right?

Now, I know I have been forewarned. Lisa and Topher attempted this last year. It did not turn out well, from all I have heard. Still, $6.99, so I thought I would try.

Tonight is temple night, so I have to make an actual dinner for Jooj so the babysitter doesn't know how crappy my parenting is, and I always make some snacks to eat in the car on the way to Mexico. What better time than to try out some mac and cheese and especial brownies?

This particular recipe involves spinach and carrots. And margarine. Already I am skeptical. Because I haven't used margarine in a recipe since twelfth grade. Because I believe in butter. Plus, In the notes it says "Be sure to let them cool completely or the spinach taste won't go away."

As a side note, Jooj is watching season three of "Muffins." So I have to keep telling her "That is Fozzie Bear. That is Dr. Teeth." I don't know which is more disheartening: the reminder that the 1970s were absolute crap, complete with Jazz Ensemble Dancing, or the smell of these brownies. And segue!

This brownie batter smells jank. JANK, I tell you. And it looks EXACTLY like my poop. FYI: I have a VERY healthy colon. If you were building a person from scratch, you would want to use my colon as a base for the rest of the colons in the new race you were forming. It is highly effective. Want to know what your poop should look like? Make these brownies.

Gravy, I love that Swedish Chef. Bork Bork Bork!

Okay, the brownies are out of the oven. Don't they look, um, EXACTLY LIKE A BUFFALO CHIP?

Maybe I will frost them? After they cool so they no longer taste like spinach?

While they cool, enjoy this picture of the kitchen towel I made.


Meanwhile, I am making the macaroni and cheese with the hidden cauliflower. It starts off circumspect: A roux made from olive oil, not butter, and ZERO Grueyere. Plus cauliflower.

Here are four things I will only eat if I am on the Amazing Race and have to ingest for a million dollars:
Mangos
Boiled Carrots Mashed With Turnips
Orange Creamsicles
Cauliflower

So the roux actually thickens in a pretty way, and then I add some cream cheese and some sharp cheddar. And the cauliflower puree. Ew. The thick roux now looks like, um, creamsicles. Great.

I add the pasta to the cauliflower-sicle sauce. Jooj proclaims "I don't want macamookie, I want PASTA." She spits it out.

But, actually, it is not bad. Kind of good, actually. I mean, it is not Kraft Dinner with Ketchup, but it is good. I can't taste the cauliflower. You can trust me on this, because if I could taste it I would be throwing up. But I am writing a blog post, not choking on my face.

Brownies are cool. In temperature, not awesomeness. Gravy, they are nasty. The only way people would think this "brownie" is a dessert is if they are jerk-faces. There is no way those Seinfeld kids are falling for that. Unless, of course, they are jerk-faces. Not even frosting will save these. Maybe Jooj will eat them, but probably not. Because she is not a jerk-face. Oh, these are gross. I need to go eat some cauliflower to take the taste out of my mouth.

To wrap up:
1. Celebrities are not chefs. We need to never listen to them again.
2. My colon rules
3. W calls my poop bionic. ( I forgot to tell you that up there.)
4. Don't eat things that are for jerk-faces.
5. Now I have to find a new treat for the drive to Mexico.

You are welcome.

All Scottish Food is Based on a Dare

Subtitle: The De-Cuba-fication of Princess Jooj.

So, we only really do things that celebrate W's heritage/culture/things. This is not intentional. I think it probably stems from the fact that for the first eight years of our marriage we lived with only my family nearby. And so we didn't really honor things from the Johnson side, simply because we were inundated by them. Also, because the Johnson side has some weird/nasty things to honor. Including a Kanab plant called "Cheese Weed."

I come from a proud line of pasty people. (Not the delicious sandwich, the skin color.) We are: Danish. Scottish. English. Russian. Not even a drop of Fraunch to spice things up. Irish? Not a chance. Brown in any capacity? Nay, we say. And then we apply sunblock.

So, since Papi is not home and Papo isn't around to meddle with my ways, I have decided to introduce Jooj to the other side of her family.

Round one: Aebleskivers.


I introduce to you one of the greatest things about the Danes. Aside from my Grandmother and my Great-Grandmother. And her sisters.

Jooj likes hers with syrup. I am a purist, wanting them with the Lingonberries and butter. Some people really like them covered in brown sugar.

For a long time you could only really purchase a good aebleskiver pan at a fancy specialty shop (or in Denmark.) But thanks to the miracle of TV, you can get one at your local Target in the "As seen on..." aisle. It is called the Pancake Puff. But it is actually a $20 cast-iron delight. If you refer to it as the "Pancake Puff" I will punch you in the throat.

I highly encourage you to celebrate my heritage with me, and make some delicious 'skivers.

• 2 egg whites
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 tablespoon white sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 egg yolks
• 4 tablespoons butter, melted
• 2 cups buttermilk
• Melted butter for frying
  

DIRECTIONS

1. In a clean glass or metal bowl, beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until they can hold a stiff peak. Set aside.
2. Mix together the flour, baking powder, salt, baking soda, sugar, egg yolks, melted butter and buttermilk at one time and beat until smooth. Gently fold in the egg whites last.
3. Bruch melted butter in the bottom of each aebleskiver pan cup and heat until hot. Pour in about 2 tablespoons of the batter into each cup. As soon as they get bubbly around the edge, turn them quickly (Danish cooks use a long knitting needle, but a fork will work). Continue cooking, turning the ball to keep it from burning.

--I use a clean paint-can-key or my Pampered Chef avocado peeler. It works better than a fork. And my needles have yarn on them. A fork is for suckers.

If she is lucky, I will next introduce her to the joys of Grandma Bev and Aunt Margaret's ground bologna/sweet pickles/mayonaise pate...

Farm Follow Up

Oh, my great good gravy.

My tomatoes weren't red yet, so I grabbed a can of food storage, some homegrown basil and parsley, and some cheese, and made this from here.

And the house smells so amazing that I wish you could share it with me.

And W, who hates tomatoes can suck it, because he is in Kuwait for 180-something more days.

And Lulu, I know you think it is cheating, but roll-out crust from the store is just as flaky as home-made, and causes less cursing on my behalf.

And Jooj saw it and said "Ooh! A Sunbeam!"
I can't wait to try this with fresh picked ones!

Cooking Musts

Every magazine has a must list, and I have decided to throw my lot in with them on Fridays. This week, because it is less hot, I am back in the kitchen. Here are the first Friday Musts:

The Spice Stack. Amazing. It holds 60 little bottles or 30 big ones, or a mix of sizes in between. And it fits in my cabinet. I love it, because my spices are everywhere, because I can't get enough from
Penzeys.com
The fragrances are amazing when I open the box. My current favorites are the apple pie spice (which I use on everything from bread to beef), Rocky Mountain Seasoning, and Sandwich Sprinkle. And they send free samples when you order a medium amount of spices. The catalog is full of recipes, and they are in their second year of publishing a great magazine, called Penzey's ONE. I love it.


Oh, Nigella, I love you. And this book never fails me. Especially when it is warm outside and I need fresh ingredients in my body. We are currently living on the Hasselback Potatoes
and the Chocolate Raspberry Pavlova

And every day we temper our Hasselhoff and Merenguey indulgences with some good, fresh bread made with King Arthur Flour. I love everything from them. The recipe that I use for bread is the same as is on the bag--and it is amazing. I have been trying to find the perfect bread recipe for years, and I think we are getting very close with this one. I also really like their sticky bun sugar and their sweet dough flavoring. And the glazed bread loaf pans are fab. And so is their bread proofer. And I am dying to get the yogurt maker...
6. Speaking of bread and King Arthur, try this recipe:
Chocolate Fudge Monkey Bread

Finally, my most secret ingredient for successful cooking? That would be the DVR playing


Because the play kitchen only holds her attention for so long...