Why Must You Turn My Kitchen Into a House of Lies?

The other day I went to Marshall's, because I needed some new running shoes. Because I am SO active, you know. What with my mile a day. Or not. And while I was there, I found a copy of the Jessica Seinfeld book about hiding vegetables in your carbs. It was $6.99, which is what I would spend in late fees if I were to borrow it from la biblioteca, so I ponied up.

Let me preface this by saying that, for all her nakedness and sass, Jooj will eat veggies like a champ. A cham-peen, if you will. I bought it mostly for me. Because I am lazy. (Have we discussed how I am lazy? Yes? Good.) I love veggies. I will eat them all day. If someone else makes them. I just can't be bothered. I would rather spend my energy eating cereal and sammies. So, I thought, if I can just thrown them in something, I will eat them, right?

Now, I know I have been forewarned. Lisa and Topher attempted this last year. It did not turn out well, from all I have heard. Still, $6.99, so I thought I would try.

Tonight is temple night, so I have to make an actual dinner for Jooj so the babysitter doesn't know how crappy my parenting is, and I always make some snacks to eat in the car on the way to Mexico. What better time than to try out some mac and cheese and especial brownies?

This particular recipe involves spinach and carrots. And margarine. Already I am skeptical. Because I haven't used margarine in a recipe since twelfth grade. Because I believe in butter. Plus, In the notes it says "Be sure to let them cool completely or the spinach taste won't go away."

As a side note, Jooj is watching season three of "Muffins." So I have to keep telling her "That is Fozzie Bear. That is Dr. Teeth." I don't know which is more disheartening: the reminder that the 1970s were absolute crap, complete with Jazz Ensemble Dancing, or the smell of these brownies. And segue!

This brownie batter smells jank. JANK, I tell you. And it looks EXACTLY like my poop. FYI: I have a VERY healthy colon. If you were building a person from scratch, you would want to use my colon as a base for the rest of the colons in the new race you were forming. It is highly effective. Want to know what your poop should look like? Make these brownies.

Gravy, I love that Swedish Chef. Bork Bork Bork!

Okay, the brownies are out of the oven. Don't they look, um, EXACTLY LIKE A BUFFALO CHIP?

Maybe I will frost them? After they cool so they no longer taste like spinach?

While they cool, enjoy this picture of the kitchen towel I made.


Meanwhile, I am making the macaroni and cheese with the hidden cauliflower. It starts off circumspect: A roux made from olive oil, not butter, and ZERO Grueyere. Plus cauliflower.

Here are four things I will only eat if I am on the Amazing Race and have to ingest for a million dollars:
Mangos
Boiled Carrots Mashed With Turnips
Orange Creamsicles
Cauliflower

So the roux actually thickens in a pretty way, and then I add some cream cheese and some sharp cheddar. And the cauliflower puree. Ew. The thick roux now looks like, um, creamsicles. Great.

I add the pasta to the cauliflower-sicle sauce. Jooj proclaims "I don't want macamookie, I want PASTA." She spits it out.

But, actually, it is not bad. Kind of good, actually. I mean, it is not Kraft Dinner with Ketchup, but it is good. I can't taste the cauliflower. You can trust me on this, because if I could taste it I would be throwing up. But I am writing a blog post, not choking on my face.

Brownies are cool. In temperature, not awesomeness. Gravy, they are nasty. The only way people would think this "brownie" is a dessert is if they are jerk-faces. There is no way those Seinfeld kids are falling for that. Unless, of course, they are jerk-faces. Not even frosting will save these. Maybe Jooj will eat them, but probably not. Because she is not a jerk-face. Oh, these are gross. I need to go eat some cauliflower to take the taste out of my mouth.

To wrap up:
1. Celebrities are not chefs. We need to never listen to them again.
2. My colon rules
3. W calls my poop bionic. ( I forgot to tell you that up there.)
4. Don't eat things that are for jerk-faces.
5. Now I have to find a new treat for the drive to Mexico.

You are welcome.