Seasons

Today was an incredibly hard day.

W left for Kuwait on Saturday at about 4 am, continuing our separation (this time for even longer) and I was left to pick up the pieces. Which I am usually good at.

(Except that the past three months I have, essentially, been living under a dark cloud, and can't pick up my own pieces, let alone manage everyone's nonsense.

More on that when I am better.)

We stayed inside all Saturday, because Jooj was happy and I didn't want to rock the boat. But Sunday means church. Which I love.

Except that today I couldn't bear to talk to anyone, to see anyone, to handle anything.

But Jooj wanted to go. So I tried. And I couldn't do it, and I had to leave. And she went to nursery and then went home with her best friend, where she ate dinner and played until dark.

And I just sat at home. Just sat.

And I felt so guilty--I should be able to do this! Don't I know that the Lord doesn't give a task that we can't handle? This is nothing! I have been doing this for years! And now the ward is going to know what an unfit parent I am--to just leave my kid to be taken care of by someone else! Without any diapers or snacks, even! And I didn't even get a substitute music teacher for the children's classes!

And as I sat I began to feel like things would be better, eventually. And I started to breathe a little easier, and I drank some milk and ate some MnMs (and realized that, yes, I am a stress eater) and sat some more.

And I began to miss Jooj. And I got up and put some things away. And I cleaned the floor.

And Jooj came home, begging to stay longer with Hannah, not even missing me at all, and Hannah's Mami told me that she was welcome all day tomorrow, too, and that she understood.

Then Jooj and I took a bath together ("Mami! Boobies AND Nipples?!!?") and sprayed water on each other's heads with rubber ducky squirters, and I realized that, in the past, I have given a lot. A LOT. And even though the hymn says

Because I have been given much I too, must give

right now I need to take.

And not just from friends and church members, not just help in daily activities, but from the Lord. I need to take His word for it when He says that the Atonement will work in my life. I need to take His offer of carrying burdens, and doing the impossible so that I may do the possible. I need to be a gracious recipient of the quiet peace that He wants to send into my life, and I need to open my heart to feel of the love and strength that He wants to give to me.

Sunday Gone to Meeting

So W is gone again. Just for a week this time, so not too bad. Except that his absence included a Sabbath. Blech. Here is the recap, by the numbers:

4 trips out of the chapel so that Jooj can sit on my lap and be told "It is no fun in the foyer. No books or stickers. How sad. We can go back into the chapel with the fun books and stickers and listen to the speakers when you are ready to be sweet."

8 people who stopped me and told me that I looked like I needed a break

5 screaming requests for "Papi!!"

1 pooped-through diaper, onesie, and skirt with attached bloomers

25 minutes of random storied over the pulpit from a visiting lady

3 sheets of stickers, stuck to the pew

3 incoherent toddlers (not mine) shouting in the microphone from the pulpit (including the phrase "I know that carrots are good for my body. Amen.") while their parents gazed admiringly on

4 packs of fruit snacks, stuck to the pew

2 Snickers Ice Cream Bars when I got home.

Thank heavens that the church is still true--I don't think I can do this again!