Today was an incredibly hard day.
W left for Kuwait on Saturday at about 4 am, continuing our separation (this time for even longer) and I was left to pick up the pieces. Which I am usually good at.
(Except that the past three months I have, essentially, been living under a dark cloud, and can't pick up my own pieces, let alone manage everyone's nonsense.
More on that when I am better.)
We stayed inside all Saturday, because Jooj was happy and I didn't want to rock the boat. But Sunday means church. Which I love.
Except that today I couldn't bear to talk to anyone, to see anyone, to handle anything.
But Jooj wanted to go. So I tried. And I couldn't do it, and I had to leave. And she went to nursery and then went home with her best friend, where she ate dinner and played until dark.
And I just sat at home. Just sat.
And I felt so guilty--I should be able to do this! Don't I know that the Lord doesn't give a task that we can't handle? This is nothing! I have been doing this for years! And now the ward is going to know what an unfit parent I am--to just leave my kid to be taken care of by someone else! Without any diapers or snacks, even! And I didn't even get a substitute music teacher for the children's classes!
And as I sat I began to feel like things would be better, eventually. And I started to breathe a little easier, and I drank some milk and ate some MnMs (and realized that, yes, I am a stress eater) and sat some more.
And I began to miss Jooj. And I got up and put some things away. And I cleaned the floor.
And Jooj came home, begging to stay longer with Hannah, not even missing me at all, and Hannah's Mami told me that she was welcome all day tomorrow, too, and that she understood.
Then Jooj and I took a bath together ("Mami! Boobies AND Nipples?!!?") and sprayed water on each other's heads with rubber ducky squirters, and I realized that, in the past, I have given a lot. A LOT. And even though the hymn says
And not just from friends and church members, not just help in daily activities, but from the Lord. I need to take His word for it when He says that the Atonement will work in my life. I need to take His offer of carrying burdens, and doing the impossible so that I may do the possible. I need to be a gracious recipient of the quiet peace that He wants to send into my life, and I need to open my heart to feel of the love and strength that He wants to give to me.
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15 comments:
Good for you. You do give a lot, and you really have given a lot, and IT'S OKAY TO TAKE. It gives others the chance to give (but who really cares about that now, right?) and it gives you the chance to just sit. And just sitting is okay to do. It's great to do, in fact.
I'm glad you're feeling the Lord's love, and I know that as you seek it, the more you'll feel it. And I know that you know that, too. I love you.
What ~j said. I'm sending the rest in an e-mail.
Love you,
c-dub
Yen, You know that you've got a huge circle of friends who all love you and who will do anything for you. We can't bear your burdens, I don't kid myself to think that I can even understand them. But we can certainly listen, pray, and talk together. It doesn't seem like enough but it's something.
i want to hug you and take you out for a donut.
provo bakery?
Oh, my. . .beautifully expressed . .. cocoon thyself for a while and all will be well.
Just happened to stop by. Count mine as one more prayer on your behalf.
What a beautifully honest post. Nothing wrong with sitting and taking for a while. Hang in there.
it's times like these that I wish I did a better job of being a better friend before times are really hard so that when times are really hard I would have more to offer. Just know that we are thinking and praying and praying and loving you.
And if you want you can take my dog. I don't mind.
Not much else I can say other than we're praying for you too.
I can't say it any better than those comments above mine.
This honest look into your soul touched mine.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your sacrifice.
Hang in there. Don't worry what it looks like.
Awe, you are so wise, even when you don't realize it. Virtual HUG to ya!
Thanks for all of the kind words. I know that it will pass, but it just seems so insurmountable. But every day I get through is another accomplishment to be proud of. Right?
Your post made me think of something I just read in Elder Perry's Conference talk. He is listing things we must do to endure to the end and he said, "Third, we must be an integral part of a community of Saints, serving and receiving service from our brothers and sisters in the gospel." The receiving service part made me think of you because you are not an unfit parent for needing some time and letting someone in the ward take care of Jooj. That is what a ward is for, especially when your husband is not around to relieve you when you need some alone time. I only wish we were closer and could help more. Hang in there! We love you! Will we still see you soon?
Aren't you sometimes in awe that you are so incredibly strong? the only way for you to discover just how strong you are is when Heavenly Father lets you experience these types of trials. I would be mad at Him, except that I've had a few of these, and I know you can get through it. It's the job of all of us, the people who love you, to do just that--love and support you. and I do, Jen---pat yourself on the back (when you're feeling better) and know that it is really true, you CAN get through it, and your self-respect can get better and better.Because you'll know you've been through this.I love you--Cay
Don't feel bad to let others help you, or to just sit and feel bad yourself sometimes. We are not superwomen and you have a lot on your plate.
Beautifully written, La Yen.
Hugs and prayers from Utah!
dude. i leave you with two thoughts from my heart:
1. it took me 18 months to heal from something i was sent to "deal with" and i beat myself up every day about it for not being healed until i realized like 17 months and 30 days into the process that it's ok to grieve about it because The Man recognizes that that isn't a sign of us not dealing. and then, i was healed :)
2. at least he's not a douche. (umm .. W not The Man because I would be totally embarrassed if you thought i thought The Man could ever even be considered in that category)...
and with those ramblings in tact, much love.
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