Like Ambien, but Smuttier

In order to tell this story, I need to first make three points: 

1.  A while back I read the most fascinating article on two co-eds who make a very nice living writing amorous novels featuring dinosaurs ravishing helpless women.  Seriously.  Apparently, if something can insert into an orifice, there is a market for this kind of novel on Amazon. This was just about the greatest little bit of knowledge I learned in ALL of 2013.  I am absolutely FASCINATED by this phenomenon.

2.  I have started getting emails from one of those daily "Book Deals" sites.  It is pretty hit-or-miss, but every now and then they tell me something like American Gods is on sale for $.99, or a book is free and what can I lose? So it pays off, occasionally.  The rest of the time it is full of really crappy self-published stuff.  

3.  One of the awesome things about me is my ability to sleep for hours on end at any given time of the day.  I get this genetically from both sides.  I have inherited the McGill Cow Eyes, the Francis Bazooms, and BOTH the Johnson and Stone Nap All Dang Day Abilities.  But sometimes, especially when the medicine for Crazy Brain is being adjusted, I just can't fall asleep at night.  I am generally too tired to get up and DO anything, so I don't want to go clean or something stupid like that, I just need my brain to turn off.  I need to tire it out.


The other night I was exhausted, but my mind wouldn't stop racing.  I knew I was too tired to focus on a book I wanted to read, and hadn't unpacked all of the other books on my list, so I pulled up the email from the book deals people.  And there was nothing good on it.  It was all crap.  But then, I thought, maybe I can just find something myself!  So I went to Amazon on my phone, made the list start from lowest to highest, and started scrolling.

OH MY HOLY GRAVY.

Apparently anyone can publish a dirty book and sell it for free on Amazon. 

I was laughing so hard I woke up W and started reading him the descriptions and genres.  Did you know that there is a "Shapeshifter Erotic Werewolf Pack Animal" genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME.

"OMG That's in public."

He (in typical W fashion) told me to stop reading these descriptions because it was making him hate humanity and he wanted to go to sleep. 

I did not.

Did you know there is a "Held Hostage by Arabic Sheik" genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME.

SHANELLE and Malik.  I have no words.

 Did you know that there is a "Being Tied Up By A Billionaire While You Pretend To Be Someone Else" genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME.

"She can't help but confess her crime."

Did you know that there is a Dolphins For Men genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME!

There are so many dolphin books.  SO many.

 THIS ONE OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS I CAN'T.

FOR REALS, called "Her Tom, Her Lover."  It has four stars.

 I kept scrolling and scrolling and time passed and it was three AM and my brain started to quiet down.  I felt like I could finally go to sleep, just after a few more pages because these descriptions were GOLD.

And then I fell asleep.

And that's how, in Sunday School, when I went to pull up my scriptures, I learned I had downloaded a four-star self-published how-to-be-a-call-girl guide.  And a Jackie Collins story.

And W made me delete them both.

Seasons

Today was an incredibly hard day.

W left for Kuwait on Saturday at about 4 am, continuing our separation (this time for even longer) and I was left to pick up the pieces. Which I am usually good at.

(Except that the past three months I have, essentially, been living under a dark cloud, and can't pick up my own pieces, let alone manage everyone's nonsense.

More on that when I am better.)

We stayed inside all Saturday, because Jooj was happy and I didn't want to rock the boat. But Sunday means church. Which I love.

Except that today I couldn't bear to talk to anyone, to see anyone, to handle anything.

But Jooj wanted to go. So I tried. And I couldn't do it, and I had to leave. And she went to nursery and then went home with her best friend, where she ate dinner and played until dark.

And I just sat at home. Just sat.

And I felt so guilty--I should be able to do this! Don't I know that the Lord doesn't give a task that we can't handle? This is nothing! I have been doing this for years! And now the ward is going to know what an unfit parent I am--to just leave my kid to be taken care of by someone else! Without any diapers or snacks, even! And I didn't even get a substitute music teacher for the children's classes!

And as I sat I began to feel like things would be better, eventually. And I started to breathe a little easier, and I drank some milk and ate some MnMs (and realized that, yes, I am a stress eater) and sat some more.

And I began to miss Jooj. And I got up and put some things away. And I cleaned the floor.

And Jooj came home, begging to stay longer with Hannah, not even missing me at all, and Hannah's Mami told me that she was welcome all day tomorrow, too, and that she understood.

Then Jooj and I took a bath together ("Mami! Boobies AND Nipples?!!?") and sprayed water on each other's heads with rubber ducky squirters, and I realized that, in the past, I have given a lot. A LOT. And even though the hymn says

Because I have been given much I too, must give

right now I need to take.

And not just from friends and church members, not just help in daily activities, but from the Lord. I need to take His word for it when He says that the Atonement will work in my life. I need to take His offer of carrying burdens, and doing the impossible so that I may do the possible. I need to be a gracious recipient of the quiet peace that He wants to send into my life, and I need to open my heart to feel of the love and strength that He wants to give to me.

Thinking and coping and hoping.

These past few weeks as I have struggled with adjusting to the new life that Jooj and W and I are living, I am trying to keep a little more grounded, a little more perched to understand the Lord's will for me.

As I was reading, I was reminded of Nephi's response to the Lord's direction to return to Israel and get the plates from Laban. The words jumped out at me--that God gives no commandments without also preparing a way for his children to accomplish what is required. In the past, I have looked at that promise as something to cling to when it feels like I cannot go on--sort of an "enduring=hanging for dear life" perspective. As I have been pondering it this week I have realized that, for me, I need to look at it in the following way:

I must do what is asked of me, because it is a commandment. And because it is a commandment, the Lord will make it possible to accomplish. And because it is now possible to accomplish, I can do it.

This is probably something that you already know, but for me it has been an eye-opener, to say the least. For example:

Army did not command W to leave us for 15 months; W joined the military with fasting and prayer, and I know that God commanded W to be in the Army. Therefore, God has commanded W to serve away from his family for this time. But since it is a commandment, not an unfeeling order from some General somewhere, it is possible for us to be able to do this. Even more, it is possible for this to be beneficial to us in the long run; great blessings can come of this, since blessings always follow the keeping of commandments. Huh.

I can also apply this to health and fitness and keeping my house clean and mothering well--all are commandments given by the Lord (D&C 109:8, D&C 89, and D&C 121:43). When I realize that, since I have been commanded to discipline the Jooj so that she becomes a decent person, with faith I will be able to accomplish it, it seems doable. And when I remember that the Lord will make a way for me to get my house in order, even if it seems impossible, I have hope that it can be done. Does that make sense? It is like some sort of mathematical proof--if A is true and B is true, then AB must be true. If God always keeps his promises, and God promises that I can do it, then it can be done.

And that helps.

Note to self:

Do not purchase Zingers again.

You cannot withstand the temptation of an entire box of Zingers.

You will make yourself sick.

Do not purchase Zingers again.

It does not matter that the creamy frosting is calling to you.

It does not matter that you can eat one in a single bite and therefore not have to share with Jooj.

Do not purchase Zingers again.