Like Ambien, but Smuttier

In order to tell this story, I need to first make three points: 

1.  A while back I read the most fascinating article on two co-eds who make a very nice living writing amorous novels featuring dinosaurs ravishing helpless women.  Seriously.  Apparently, if something can insert into an orifice, there is a market for this kind of novel on Amazon. This was just about the greatest little bit of knowledge I learned in ALL of 2013.  I am absolutely FASCINATED by this phenomenon.

2.  I have started getting emails from one of those daily "Book Deals" sites.  It is pretty hit-or-miss, but every now and then they tell me something like American Gods is on sale for $.99, or a book is free and what can I lose? So it pays off, occasionally.  The rest of the time it is full of really crappy self-published stuff.  

3.  One of the awesome things about me is my ability to sleep for hours on end at any given time of the day.  I get this genetically from both sides.  I have inherited the McGill Cow Eyes, the Francis Bazooms, and BOTH the Johnson and Stone Nap All Dang Day Abilities.  But sometimes, especially when the medicine for Crazy Brain is being adjusted, I just can't fall asleep at night.  I am generally too tired to get up and DO anything, so I don't want to go clean or something stupid like that, I just need my brain to turn off.  I need to tire it out.


The other night I was exhausted, but my mind wouldn't stop racing.  I knew I was too tired to focus on a book I wanted to read, and hadn't unpacked all of the other books on my list, so I pulled up the email from the book deals people.  And there was nothing good on it.  It was all crap.  But then, I thought, maybe I can just find something myself!  So I went to Amazon on my phone, made the list start from lowest to highest, and started scrolling.

OH MY HOLY GRAVY.

Apparently anyone can publish a dirty book and sell it for free on Amazon. 

I was laughing so hard I woke up W and started reading him the descriptions and genres.  Did you know that there is a "Shapeshifter Erotic Werewolf Pack Animal" genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME.

"OMG That's in public."

He (in typical W fashion) told me to stop reading these descriptions because it was making him hate humanity and he wanted to go to sleep. 

I did not.

Did you know there is a "Held Hostage by Arabic Sheik" genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME.

SHANELLE and Malik.  I have no words.

 Did you know that there is a "Being Tied Up By A Billionaire While You Pretend To Be Someone Else" genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME.

"She can't help but confess her crime."

Did you know that there is a Dolphins For Men genre?  YOU ARE WELCOME!

There are so many dolphin books.  SO many.

 THIS ONE OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS I CAN'T.

FOR REALS, called "Her Tom, Her Lover."  It has four stars.

 I kept scrolling and scrolling and time passed and it was three AM and my brain started to quiet down.  I felt like I could finally go to sleep, just after a few more pages because these descriptions were GOLD.

And then I fell asleep.

And that's how, in Sunday School, when I went to pull up my scriptures, I learned I had downloaded a four-star self-published how-to-be-a-call-girl guide.  And a Jackie Collins story.

And W made me delete them both.