Young Old Love

I don't know about you, but my husband and I like being married.  We enjoy being together, and we have really become better friends as the years (almost seventeen) of them have flown by.   Cultivating the level of awesome we require in our marriage can be tough, though, because we currently have three crazy people who live with us and actively try to get us thrown in prison for attempted murder.  We try to go out on dates as often as we can (once a year) and mostly stay in because dates are PRICEY.  Also, the DVR is SUPER full and we have to stay home to catch up on our stories.  Staying in has its pitfalls, however, because there are children around, and when the children are NOT around we have a tendency to make more children.  NO.

This week it was my "turn" to "plan" the "date."  I have been spending time on Pinterest, here and there, and it sure seems like the young folk put a LOT of effort into dating.  There seems to be a theme, an invitation, and all sorts of props.  No, seriously.  PROPS.


Not to be outdone, I calculated our budget, gauged the capacity of the Tivo, took some sinus meds and made a very small effort. 

Ready for it?

We spent $20 on a Powerball ticket and stayed up until ELEVEN O FREAKING CLOCK to watch the drawing.

Also, this, with some Doctor Who.

Verdict?  Well, we won $4 and have drawers full of mated socks and I did not get pregnant.  I THINK WE CAN AGREE ON SUCCESS.

How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Five

What does Stitch have to do with Science!? I don't know. But there was NO LINE!

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here, part two is here, part three is here and here is part four.

Are you ready to be blinded with Science? Because you are heading to Epcot today!
Review the rules about water and soda and autograph books and head on over!
You have two ways to get there--a shuttle from that ticketing plaza, or just drive there. Either way, you are paying $14 for parking! Hooray!

Once you get into Epcot, you will notice that there are more characters there waiting to sign autographs for you. But there are FEWER children standing in line. Take advantage and take note. Get them done. While you are waiting, send dad over to get Fast Passes for Soarin', the best ride in the park. (Exactly the same as Soarin' Over California from Anaheim.)

You will also see the giant golf ball and a line for The Most Boring Ride Ever. Unfortunately, this is W's Favorite Ride at Epcot. So I always have to stand in the line and ride it. Boo. They have updated it, though, and it is Still Boring, but with Dame Judy Dench Talking. You can use this time to make dirty puns about the sponsor, Siemens.

I hate this ride.

After the ride you will find your first brush with Science! There are a bunch of kiosks with glorified video games that "teach" you how Science! might make your life better in the future. None of these touch on how Science! might make that stupid ride less boring in the future, so thanks for nothing, Science!

You have two options at this point--go towards Science! or go towards International Lands Of Internationality. The Science! area closes a few hours earlier, so if your kids are inclined, take them that way first. There are some fun rides and lots and lots of fun "hands-on" displays that require you to wait and get really rude to the Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line (they call them "queues") before. Here are some things I have tried:

• Smiling
• Saying, loudly, "I guess his mommy didn't teach him to stand in line!"
• Blocking paths
• Glaring

None of these work with Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line. When you find yourself getting to the point where you are going to throw down your churro and kick some European/Asian tail it is best to have Dad take over cheerfully standing in the line for Levers or Food Groups or Food Group Levers while you go take a break.

When you have had enough larnin' for the day, head over to The Seas land. There is a decent Nemo ride (The Submarine ride from Anaheim but without the crappy submarine) and a great aquarium with dolphins and giant fish. When we were there we saw male sea horses giving birth. It was cool. Even though it was real and not animatronic. You can also fight the Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line for some photo ops.

See those kids? Not in my family! Foreign! Never seen a line!

My brother had two rows of teeth like this. Also, gestating make my hair awesome!

After learning all about fish, you can then go next door and eat them at a pretty good casual dining restaurant, but I don't recommend it because you will miss out on eating at my favorite places, all of which I am going to tell you about, right now!

After The Seas, it is time to head over to International Lands of Internationality! This is my favorite part of Epcot. I love going to all of the lands. It rules.

First things first--go straight to England Land and get fish and chips. While you are eating them, watch the street show with some English Dudes and a Girl where they make Bawdy Puns and have you yell "Rubbish!" It is fun. Then go to the England Store and make your husband stand in line with the kids for Pooh and Tigger. While he is standing in line, you buy a Dairy Milk bar. Screw the gestational diabetes, you have been walking miles and miles and if the Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line want to live, you need to stress eat.

Mami did not see any of this interaction because she was killing the baby with sugar. Yay!

After England Land, check out all of the other lands. They are really fun. Here are some of my favorites:

• Japan Land has a great Mitsukoshi department store and some awesome sushi
• France Land has palmieres in the shape of Mickey
• In France Land you can also get a hand-cut sillhouette portrait. We always do this.
• Morocco Land has killer baklava. And a restroom. Some lands don't have one, so heads up.
• Africa Land has drums. Blah.
• Mexico Land, ie El Paso, has a fun boat ride that W never wants to do. This is in spite of me waiting on line for the Most Boring Ride Ever earlier in the day.
  
• Scandinavia Land has a GREAT slow boat ride called The Maelstrom. I love it. It is beyond cheesy. They also have a princess dinner thing where you pay big bucks and get autographs and food. Across the street is a store where you can buy scary troll statues that Someday I Will Own.
• China Land has people playing drums and a bunch of crap for sale.
• Some evenings, if you are lucky, DAVID CASSIDY is in concert at America Land!!
• If you are able to go in October, you can attend the International Food & Wine Festival. The number of International Venues triple and they all give you something delicious on a stick and a glass of gin and juice. Just remember to leave earlier than closing time, because there is NO Breathalyzer at the exit and all of these FTWHNSAL have been drinking their way through the park and intend on driving back to their rooms.
  

When you have eaten your way through the lands, it should be about four PM. This is the critical time to head to Germany Land for an early meal at The Biergarten. This is our favorite. It is a German buffet and floor show with tubas and a great band and dancing and LOTS of drinking. (If you are a drinker.) They also serve root beer, which is one of the things I view as Tender Mercy and Reward for not killing the FTWHNSAL. When you are planning out dining, make reservations for four PM. Because Lunch ends around four and Dinner begins around four-thirty and you get TWO kinds of food.

Jooj took this picture. I was eating. It was heavenly.

After you have eaten, it will probably be time for your Soarin' Fast Pass to work. I know, it is seven hours later, but thems the breaks with Soarin'. You could have waited in line for two hours instead, if you wanted to go on it earlier. Suck it up. Head over to The Lands Land and go on it. It rules the school. Then you can go on The Lands boat ride (ironic, I know) which is more Science! but with vegetables.

After that, check out the things you have missed. Go get another Dairy Milk Bar if you have a chance. See the light show and fireworks if you feel like it. Or not. It is all about you.

Next up? Disney's Wild Animal Kingdom or, as I call it, "Papi, are those robots or hippos?"

How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Four

I promise I was on this vacation. You will just have to believe me because there is very little photographic evidence.

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is here.

Sorry for the delay in posting, but it has been 80 degrees outside, so we have been playing.

Are you ready to hit the parks? NO YOU ARE NOT.
Before you step one foot inside the ticketed area you need to get to a grocery store and buy a case of bottled water and a bunch of your soda bottles of choice. Why? Because the tap water in Orlando tastes like someone left it in a pile of pennies for six months. It is rank. And the fountain drinks are made with said water, as is the ice. You cannot drink from the fountains, and if you buy bottles from kiosks you will pay about $3 a bottle. Trust me. While you are there, grab some trail mix or some goldfish or something to munch on. And some sunblock. You can buy trai lmix and goldfish and sunblock at the park, but it is super pricey. Put your bottles and snacks in the bottom of your stroller. Remember? You were instructed to bring your stroller? This is reason #1. Reason #2 is that, to rent one, is about $15 a day. You will be hitting the parks for at least 4 days, and you want to spend the $60 on something better than a stroller.

"What?? I am spending at least 4 days at the parks?!" you say? Yes. There is no way to do all four parks in less than four days. Especially with your family. Not to mention, there is Downtown Disney, a few really Disney water parks, the sports parks, the pool at the hotel, the outlets, and the Disney Mini Golf place. And this is JUST Disney. Four days is the minimum if you want to get a lot done.

Back to the topic at hand, you have thrown your water and snacks in the stroller. Also take some light jackets, and a change of clothes (including panties) for anyone under six years old. (There is a ton to do, and kids under six still get so preoccupied that they can "forget" to go to the bathroom until it is too late. Trust me.) If you find that you have forgotten jackets, stop at one of the millions of "CHEAP DISNEY" stores you will pass on Irlo Bronson. You can grab a warm fleece that says "Orlando" for about $7. MUCH better than buying one at the Magic Kingdom for $50, especially if it is only out of parental guilt that you are purchasing one. Souvenirs are great, when they aren't necessary purchases. Your last step is to measure your kids. Most of the "thrill rides" are for kids between 40-44 inches. Know their heights before you go, so Junior is not looking forward to Space Mountain all day, only to find out that he is not tall enough.

Anyway, you are packed and ready. Hop in your car or take the transportation from your hotel, and head to the Magic Kingdom. The parking lot you will be directed to is not ACTUALLY attached to the Magic Kingdom, but is a "transportation and ticketing center." You can purchase your tickets here, and then take either a ferry or a monorail to the theme park.

**A note about tickets: If the majority of your children are under eight years old, don't worry about buying the "park hopper" option. The parks are giant and exhausting, even the smaller ones (Animal Kingdom and Epcot) that close earlier. The likelihood that you are going to want to go to a second park after one of the smaller parks closes (at nine) and stay until midnight is super remote. Figure on eating dinner and heading back for bedtime. And save the $50 a person to go to multiple parks in one day. **

Choose which way you are getting to the park (the monorail is faster, but the ferry has more "scope for imagination" and climb aboard. Once you disembark, you will have to go through a rudimentary bag check, and then you are in! If it is crowded, your first step is to send Dad to Space Mountain for Fast Passes for everyone. Mom can stay behind with the kids and stand in line for autographs from the characters.

"Autographs? How lame. My kids don't want autographs!" you say? WRONG. They will see ONE kid getting them, and then you are screwed. Plus, the ONLY way to get pictures with the characters is to stand in line for them. And ALL of the kids have autograph books and fancy pens. Trust me.

Note the $7 Orlando fleece, and Chip writing in the autograph book. I told you.

Take advantage of the characters standing on main street and get your pictures out of the way while it is early and you are in a good mood. There are other, better, places where you can get better pictures, but there is NO way to pull a kid past Mickey without him wanting to stand there. Get this done, and you can say "Remember? We already said hello! Look at your autograph book!"

When Dad comes back with the Fast Passes, you have a couple of options. Our family heads to the Disney Barber Shoppe. Seriously. It is on Main Street right next to the fire station. And W gets a haircut. Really. It is $19 and a sweet, sweet cut. They put goopy gel and "fairy dust" on top, and give him a stack of stickers for the kid. While he gets that done, we finish with the characters, and then head to the Guest Relations office to pick up a celebratory button. Disney will give you a pin to announce your birthday, your first visit, your anniversary, or even "I'm Celebrating Something!" For free. Aside from a band-aid at the nurse station, this is the ONLY free thing you will get from Disney, so take advantage. Plus, if it is your birthday, every cast member that sees you will say "Happy Birthday, La Yen!" Which is awesome for your ego.

Note the sweet fade and the fairy dust.

W's hair is did, pins and autographs are done, so we then head to Fantasy Land and get that crap out of the way. Fantasy Land is the place with the Dumbo ride, Small World, and the little rides like Snow White and Mr Toad. It is also fifteen degrees hotter than any other part of the Magic Kingdom. The heat combined with the trillion children and the small rides makes it feel like Hell. But with churros. We get it out of the way while it is still cool and we are in a good mood. When you are done with Fantasy Land, it will be time to redeem the Space Mountain Fast Pass.

The teacups generally have a quick-moving line. But even when I am not knocked up they make me yak.

Head over to Tomorrow Land, and on your way to hit Space Mountain, stop and get Fast Passes for the Buzz Lightyear attraction. This is one of the most fun rides in the park, and everyone can do it. After Space Mountain, you are probably getting hungry. There is a pretty tasty hot dog cart in Tomorrow Land, but if you want to sit down, I recommend checking out the "casual dining" places. One of the benefits to the sit-down burger places is that on the bottom of your receipt there is a coupon for 20% off of merchandise at the Disney store. This is like pure gold filled with heroin.

After lunch, you are on your own at the Magic Kingdom--see what looks good, and have fun. Here are some of my tips that I think will help you out:

• If you want a great dining experience, make reservations (WELL IN ADVANCE) for the Crystal Palace Buffet. There are characters there, and the food is good. We try to do one nice meal a day, and this is usually our go-to at the Magic Kingdom.
• The Stitch attraction is too scary for me. And your kids.
• Do Dumbo at the end of the night. It will be MUCH less crowded.
• There is a playground near Splash Mountain, perfect for toddlers.
  
• You can't get assorted Goofy Sour Balls in Orlando anymore. Only Cherry. Boo.
• Don't have long toenails with French Tips. It makes me nauseated to see them.
• Warn the little ones that everyone is going to scream on the Haunted Mansion when you are in the elevator and the light goes out. Talk about it in advance.
• Leave the fat chicks behind. To rent a scooter at the park is $60 A DAY. Seriously.
  
• You can see the fireworks from just about anywhere in the park, but you can only see Tinkerbell if you are around the castle. If you don't want to camp out for an hour beforehand, just don't mention her. Jooj has NO IDEA. And I am fine with that.

Get a good night's rest, because tomorrow we are going to Epcot, or as I like to call it, "Eating and Eating and Eating and Eating, and SCIENCE."

How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Three

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here and part two is here.

Now that you have figured out who you are taking and how you are getting there, it is time for the final bit of pre-pre-planning: where you will stay.

There are, conservatively, ten-billion options for lodging in Orlando. Some of them are super-rad, some of them are super-ghetto, and all of them are over-priced. Sorry. For a Walt Disney World trip (especially a first-time trip), your best bets fall into three categories:

• Renting a condo or house
• Staying at a "Main Gate" hotel (and this is important) ON IRLO BRONSON HIGHWAY
• Booking a room within the Disney Resort area

Our family has taken all three options, and all three have turned out reasonably well for us. We have also not followed this advice and been very, very disappointed. Let me break it down for you.

The first time we ever went to Walt Disney World was on our "honeymoon." I say it in quotes because it took us seven years of marriage to get there. (We got married young, poor, in school, and over Christmas.) We decided that the time had come to take a vacation that involved neither family nor sleeping on the floor of said family, and packed our bags for Disney World, because it was a new place for both of us (we had been as kids, but never since). I researched and researched and decided on some cheap place that said it had a shuttle to the parks and had a pretty picture on the internet. We got there and it was WAY off of the highway, had no alarm clocks or pillows, and the shuttle was the city bus. Seriously. The first thing the next morning, what followed was The Most Romantic Thing Ever, when W took me to the Magic Kingdom, went to Guest Relations, and booked us a room at the Resort. He packed us and moved us and I never looked back at the HellHole From Hell That Wanted Me to Take the Bus. Since then we have always stayed within one of the three guidelines above and never been sorry.

Renting a Condo or House

I would venture to say that in the Orlando/Celebration/Kissimmee (all three viable condo lodging locales) area there are more houses available for vacation rentals than there are actual homes that people live in. I don't know where people live, but it doesn't seem like it is near Disney. The majority of these homes are pretty nice and posh, and can make for some relaxing holidays IF you:

• Have enough people with you that the home rental is cost effective
• Don't mind cooking and cleaning for yourself while on vacation
• Don't mind having some cash/credit tied up in deposits while on vacation
• Have a car handy
• Are not perfectly needy about internet/phone coverage

If you are going with more than four people, or need more than one hotel room or large suite, it can be really cost-effective to rent a house or a condo. During the off season, you can generally find a place that sleeps 6-10 for the price of two hotel rooms a night. If you have a load of kids or everyone needs a separate place to sleep, you can save a ton of money this way. Most rental homes have a washer and dryer (which is SO nice) and have fully-equipped kitchens. (Equipped with utensils and gadgets, not food or spices or anything else. You will have to buy salt and ketchup and all that you want salted and ketchupped.) Every single one of these vacation homes will have a pool or access to a pool. You may have to pay more for it to be heated. You will absolutely have to pay more if you want it cleaned (if that service is offered) or linens changed while you are there. It seems that about half of the homes have wireless available, and about half of those charge for it. All have DVD players and some sort of video gaming system. Every condo you can rent will have a "shuttle" to the park available, most charging per head and per day, which will end up costing you MORE than parking at the park. In addition, the shuttles tend to only run a few times per day, and the last shuttle generally leaves a few hours before the parks close. Big Drag. Since you need to go buy food for the kitchen (and laundry soap and shampoo) you need a car anyway. Rent one or bring your own if you are taking the condo/home option. And drive yourself to the park. Finally, every vacation rental home requires a million different deposits, most of which you will get back within six weeks of your last day in Orlando. Cleaning, non-smoking, no-pet, clubhouse, extra key--the list of deposits seems endless, and most are due well before you get to Orlando. If you are paying with a debit card, it ties up your cash for a few months. But you will get it back if you are patient, don't trash the place, and resist the temptation to loot.

If W would rent one of these, instead of a Focus, he could burn off a lot of Turkey Legs at the Park

Staying at a "Main Gate" hotel ON IRLO BRONSON MEMORIAL HIGHWAY

When you only need one room, or you just don't want the hassle of a condo, there are a lot of reasonably nice hotels within a mile or two of the Walt Disney World Resort Area. If you are not bringing a babysitter, chances are you are not going to be spending a lot of time in your room. You don't need a ton of bells and whistles, and if you are going during the High Holy Time of The Week After Thanksgiving, you aren't even going to use the pool. Don't stress about who has a spa, who has a breakfast buffet, and who has a shuttle to the park. (The shuttle may be free at some hotels, but it will always stop running two or three hours before the park closes. Way before the fireworks.) Read the latest Expedia or Travelocity reviews if you are concerned or super-picky, and then take a leap of faith. If you stay at a name chain you will always have better results than at "Country Joe's Holler Hotel And Aligator Pit." W maintains that the true sign of a hotel's superiority is what restaurant they have attached to the lodging. For example, a Best Western with a Pizza Hut is not as good as a Best Western with a Cracker Barrel. And anything with a Sizzler in the advertising is Dead Out. The most important thing you need to understand about choosing a hotel for your Orlando vacation is that it NEEDS to be no more than two miles from the park, preferably on Irlo Bronson Memorial Highway. At night it is dark and crowded and full of drunks and crazy tourists who are not used to driving in America. 1 AM with screaming children and irritated Daddy is not the time to have to drive more than ten minutes home. Places with "Main Gate" in their description mean that they are closest to the park without having "Disney" in their name. Stick with those. Stay away from International Drive--those ones are closest to Sea World, and that is too far.

Booking a Room in the Disney Resort--the Ultimate Vacation Lodging

Our favorite choice is staying within the Disney Resort itself. There are a bunch of different options to choose from, with some being reasonably well-priced. Disney rooms are best for your vacation if you:

• Have younger kids
• Don't want to drive anywhere at all
• Love Disney
• Want a more hassle-free experience
• Are ONLY going to Disney and no where else EVER

There are a few types of rooms within the pricing system at Walt Disney World: Value, Moderate, More Expensive, Who Do You Think You Are, and The No-Legs Family From Extreme Home Makeover Home Edition. Value is the cheapest, and we have stayed within that category the majority of the time because they work just fine for us, thank you very much. The one drawback to Value rooms is that the beds are full-sized. My husband is well over six feet tall, and I subscribe to the "hug and roll and never touch me again" sleeping school, so we often just each have our own bed on vacation. Which makes it even MORE of a vacation, IfYouKnowWhatIMean. The rooms are smaller, but they are clean and nice. You generally will have to pay for internet access. The pools and recreation areas at every Disney Resort are THE HEAT. Seriously. They are always nice and warm, and generally "themed" with slides and ladies walking around asking if you want a hair wrap or a caricature. A super-sweet bonus to the Disney Resorts is that you can purchase a giant, refillable mug for each person in your group for less than $10 and they can, all by themselves, go to the cafeteria any time that they want, and get soda. Without you. When you realize that a bottle of Coke is $3 at the park, this is a huge deal. Also, if they are stupid, you can convince them that this is the coolest souvenir ever.

As far as driving, you don't need to rent a car when you stay at the Disney Resorts although, if you do, the fact that you are a Resort Guest, gets you free parking ($14 a day for the schmoes who are off-property) at the parks. Disney has started this cool thing where you will get picked up at the airport, and if you get there before 10 pm, they will even get your checked bags and deliver them for you. Which is nice if you have a million kids (or one who is so high maintenance she seems like a million) and just NEED TO GET TO THE FREAKING HOTEL. They operate shuttles out of the hotels, which can be crowded, but they are plentiful and stay running until an hour or so after the parks close. If you are staying at a moderate or nicer resort, there are private monorail or boat stops that you can take straight from the park, which mean you don't need to sully your fancy, expensive behind with another bus ride.

Taking the ferry to the Magic Kingdom with the masses is JUST AS COOL as taking the private boat from The Grand Carribbean Resort That Costs $300 a Night.

Food is plentiful at the Disney Resorts, each with at least one cafeteria or restaurant, in addition to snack bars and poolside eateries. For Resort guests you can purchase dining plans which work like the meal cards you get at college (Shout Out, Deseret Towers!) and can be used in your hotel or at the parks. This is a cool option if you have older kids that may want to have some time on their own or want to eat away from you--they just show their card and can eat wherever.

The downside to Disney Resort lodging is two-fold: One, you are NEVER away from Disney. This is not a problem for my family, because we love us some Disney Magic. Some people get sick and tired of the mouse. I don't understand these people, because they are Freaks. But there you have it. The second down-side is that staying at the Disney Resort is always a little more money than staying on the cheap at the Best Western. But, oftentimes, if you factor in car-rental it evens out. Do your research. Sometimes you can get package deals that make it more affordable. If you are using a windfall and want to have 99% of everything paid for before you get to the parks, staying at the Resort, taking the shuttles, and pre-paying with the dining plan can mean that you are only spending a little bit for souvenirs and incidentals once you arrive, which is a nice feeling.

Your homework is to figure out what lodging is best for your family, and whether you will need wheels on this trip. Then start looking for package deals. Next post up is all about Finally going to the parks--which ones are which, and what to do when you are there or, as I like to call it, "I Paid $300 and all My Kid Wants To Do is Get Autographs From A Freaking Duck."

How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Two

Jooj at the airport.

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here.

Have you given thought to who you are taking? Good. Because now we are going to get down to the travel details.

How and When You Will Get to Walt Disney World.

For me, this is the part that involves the most planning, research, and prayers. Because La Yen does not like to spend money on things that are not the best (except for Baja Chalupas).

How are you getting to Orlando?
We live, as can be assumed from the blog title, in El Paso, Texas. We have one airport, which is not a hub for anything. NOTHING. Our next closest airports are between five and six hours away. This translates to, generally, exorbitant airfare. If you are lucky enough to live near a major airport, you can most likely fly the family for a reasonable price. Start looking ahead of time. I highly recommend signing up for Ding from Southwest, because they generally post deals to Orlando every month (you will be flying into Orlando, abbreviation MCO). If you have not flown lately, be prepared to get really, really cheesed off. You now have to pay to check each bag (generally $25 PER bag, EACH WAY), and most airlines now charge you $6 for those free peanuts. Seriously. They will still give you a beverage, though. Southwest is the one airline that still lets you check 2 bags for free and ponies up the pretzels and peanuts. Say what you will about Southwest, if you have bags to check for a family of four you will save at least $400 by booking with them. All airlines will let you "gate check" your strollers, though, so don't worry about having to pay for them. Bring your own stroller. Seriously. More on that later.

If, like us, you can't afford/it makes you physically ill to pay the same amount getting to Walt Disney World as you will spend staying/eating/attending Walt Disney World, driving is always an option if you have the time. You will save a boat load of money. We drove that summer that gas prices were so ridiculous that it made us cry, and we still saved money over flying from Freaking No Hub El Paso Airport. An added bonus was that we were able to take a babysitter with us for, essentially, free. From El Paso, we drove through all of Texas, Louisiana, Some Other Places, and Florida. It was not a bad drive for us, and we were able to stop and stretch and eat whenever we wanted. We stayed in hotels at night, and then drove during the day. Here is the thing, though--our family is really, really good at road trips. W drives and listens to podcasts, I have an adapter for my laptop and I play games the entire time (I also read novels), Jooj watches movies and plays games, and we are not as concerned with "making good time" as we are with not killing each other. We always start with a prayer to "bless us on the road, help us to be aware of others, and help others to be aware of us, and please help us to be friends at the end of this." Seriously.

Your goal is to still love one another at the end of the trek.

Should you choose to drive, here are some of my best tricks:

• Get a GPS. It is worth the money. Or get the application for your phone. In the interest of full disclosure, we do not have one. But if we had driven this last trip, we would have bought one. I want the one with John Cleese narrating my directions, W wants the Hot Lady Voice. We are still working out the details.
  
• In addition, print out all of your directions and put them in a bright orange folder. You cannot lose a bright orange folder. Also print out a copy of your hotel info and your insurance cards and put them in there. Seriously. You cannot lose a bright orange folder.
• Plan to drive for ten hours a day MAX. You will end up driving for fourteen, what with traffic and food and bathroom breaks. but when you book your hotels at the end of the night, only book them about ten hours away.
• BOOK YOUR HOTELS AHEAD OF TIME. I will always remember the "month of Midwestern Conventions" during which W and I found no vacancies from Iowa to Ohio. No lie. We slept in a McDonald's parking lot. It was gross.
• Buy new toys/movies/DS games that the kids have never seen. Dole them out on the trip.
• Stop for snacks. Everyone is happier if they can choose their own snack, rather than mom handing out trail mix or whatever.
  
• Let them eat whatever they want at the restaurants. This is not the time to fight over whether you want to pay for them to have a peanut butter sandwich. Pick your battles, starting the minute you get in the car.
• Speaking of restaurants, if you have kids, stop as often as possible at ones with a play land. Preferably the Chick Fil A, because it is the cleanest one around and you will like when they say "My Pleasure!" to your every request.
  
• Make the babysitter earn her keep in the backseat. There is no reason for you to be climbing back there. She can change DVDs, beat the children, hand out napkins, etc.
• You may think you are driving forever, but you will get to Walt Disney World and see cars with license plates from Alaska. Then you will realize that you are Not That Crazy and your drive won't seem so bad.

Sometimes just giving the kid the camera to take pictures of her foot will buy you three hours of peace.

If you don't want to drive or fly, I suppose you could take the train or the bus or something, but I don't do that because it is for Poor People and Europeans. So you are on your own with that.

Equally as important as HOW you are getting there, is WHEN you are getting there. This is important, so listen to me.

Do Not Go In The Summer Time. Especially June.

It is miserably hot, ridiculously humid, and filled to the brim with people from all over the world. I speak from experience because we went in June once. It was Not Awesome. We went because W was back for his R&R and only available for those two weeks. It was so hot that our babysitter ended up with gigantic blisters on her toes from sweating in her flip-flops. We had to buy her sneakers. And in June it gushes rain every day, with major lightening storms, so you have to get out of the pool and you must bring ponchos. Seriously.

The best time to go to Walt Disney World is in February or March--BEFORE Spring Break, September AFTER Labor Day, October but not the week of Halloween, or (and this is the ultimate awesome week) The High Holy Week After Thanksgiving. If you have a flexible work schedule, pull the kids out of school and go during these times.*

In addition, under no circumstances should you go during the Winter Holidays. In the first place, you will have to book your rooms A Year In Advance. Does that tell you anything? Because it should.

Your homework is to pull out the calendar and clear out the week after Thanksgiving, and start looking for deals on airlines or start getting the car maintained. Don't worry about packages and rates for the actual Orlando stay--we will discuss that next in the segment I like to call
Seriously, Are We Ever Getting Away From That Freaking Mouse?





*Disclaimer: I am a huge fan of pulling the kids out of school to go on vacation. They are not learning anything other than what to do on the Standardized Test they will have to take that measures nothing other than how well they have been told what will be on the test. Let the teacher know at least two weeks early, and do all the homework on the trip. Then bring the teacher back a present. Seriously.

How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: A Series.

You will look exhausted in every picture. If you are pregnant, then you can blame it on that.

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts.

Disclaimer--When thinking about taking the whole fam-damily across the country to the Everglades, you had better be prepared to:

• Shell out cash
• Understand it is not about you
• Wait in long lines
• Shell out more cash
• Deal with Europeans and Asians FROM Europe and Asia
  
• Shell out excessive amounts of cash

If any of these things make you really irritable just thinking about them, this is not the trip for you. And that is okay. Your kids will go with THEIR future families, and lament that they didn't ever get this experience when they were children. It will make them stronger and give them an advantage in the "My parents were the worst because..." game. Don't worry about it. It is the circle of life.

Now, assuming that you are fine with the above criteria, let's get planning!

Step one: Know Your Audience

• If the majority of your children are under age three, don't waste your time and money, unless you live only a few hours away. Wait a few years. Trust me. WAIT. If you are dying for the Disney photo ops, take them to Anaheim. It is less exhausting and much, much cheaper. Kids, ages four and up, are perfect for the Orlando Pilgrimage. The older, the better, honestly.

• Gestatrices. If you are pregnant, you are not going to have as much fun. Sorry. If this is your one-and-only trip, I highly advise waiting until you have pushed it all out before you go. If you know you will be returning again, go ahead and experience about 1/3 of the park attractions, as well as cankles. There are plenty of rides for you to go on, as long as you don't mind them all singing about Small Worlds, but the walking will kill you. I just returned from a five-day-adventure, and the fetus and I did a lot of sitting down. A LOT OF SITTING DOWN. Walt Disney World is about three million acres big. And you have to walk through most of it. And when you get to wherever you have walked, you can't go on the ride with your family. So you sit and wait. It isn't bad, but it certainly isn't ideal.

A picture of my cankles from day one. When I was sitting. While the family went on a ride I could not enjoy.

• Spouses that complain are going to drive you nuts. Sit down together and explain that this trip is NOT ABOUT THEM. And that, should they want to get punched, they can continue to gripe about cost/whining/walking/etc. This trip is about the children. And you. Mostly you, since you are putting it together, but also for the children. Because you are a giver.

• Extended family ie: family reunions and the grandparents that may want to come. BEWARE. The more people you add to your vacation, the more opportunities you add for whinging and moaning. I am speaking specifically of the Senior Citizens in your families. Yes, they used to be fun. That was because you left your kids with them and did not take them on your vacations. If you are confident that grandpa will not discipline your kids in public, or that grandma will not roll her eyes and sigh every time you give your kid a sugary snack, go ahead and take them. If you have doubts, try Disney as a family in California first. And make sure to get separate rooms. We would be fine with any of our parents coming with us to Orlando, because my mother gets sick just looking at rides (translation: babysitter!) and my step-dad likes to meander and people watch (translation: mother-sitter!). My dad will get irritable, but they allow for the drankin' at the Magic Kingdom (translation: happy Dad!) and my Step-Mom is my age (translation: I don't have to pay for my dad to be in a home in 20 years!). W's parents are a combination of my parents, but also really, really, really know their limitations (translation: they will abandon us when they get sick of us!). A benefit to bringing the folks is that, just maybe, they will buy you dinner. This comes in handy.

• Boyfriends and babysitters. I have given this a lot of thought. Here is my advice: Do not take your teenager's boyfriends/girlfriends on vacation to Disneyworld with you. I say this, having seen a lot of it this past week. Reason one: No one, especially Dad, wants to see them make out in all of their acne/pierced/Douchbaggy clothing glory. Reason two: This is a family vacation. Which means that there will be family pictures. And when Hunter and McKenna breakup, WHICH THEY WILL, you will never be allowed to look at the photos again, because the ex will be there. With your family. Babysitters, however, are a whole different ball of wax. If you can swing it, I HIGHLY recommend bringing along that 14 YO girl from the neighborhood. At 6 pm, you and the fam will eat dinner. At 7 pm, she will stay behind with the children and you and the spouse will GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN. Yes, it will cost you an extra set of tickets, but it will be worth it. I promise you. It will be worth it. Plus, she will be eternally grateful and you can always count on her canceling any plans for future Friday Night babysitting emergencies.
  

An ideal group to take to Walt Disney World is the following:
Me
Sue-donym
~J
A handicapped person (to get in on the special lines)
Someone who is independently wealthy.

If you can't get this group together, you haven't asked us. If you choose not to get this group together, you are stuck with your family. Sorry. But you can still have fun! (But not as much.) Your homework? Decide who is coming, who is staying home, and who is paying for all of this. Be brutally honest. Leave the whingers at home.

Tomorrow I will post Step Two: Pre-Planning or, Why Do I Take These People Anywhere?