How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: A Series.

You will look exhausted in every picture. If you are pregnant, then you can blame it on that.

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts.

Disclaimer--When thinking about taking the whole fam-damily across the country to the Everglades, you had better be prepared to:

• Shell out cash
• Understand it is not about you
• Wait in long lines
• Shell out more cash
• Deal with Europeans and Asians FROM Europe and Asia
  
• Shell out excessive amounts of cash

If any of these things make you really irritable just thinking about them, this is not the trip for you. And that is okay. Your kids will go with THEIR future families, and lament that they didn't ever get this experience when they were children. It will make them stronger and give them an advantage in the "My parents were the worst because..." game. Don't worry about it. It is the circle of life.

Now, assuming that you are fine with the above criteria, let's get planning!

Step one: Know Your Audience

• If the majority of your children are under age three, don't waste your time and money, unless you live only a few hours away. Wait a few years. Trust me. WAIT. If you are dying for the Disney photo ops, take them to Anaheim. It is less exhausting and much, much cheaper. Kids, ages four and up, are perfect for the Orlando Pilgrimage. The older, the better, honestly.

• Gestatrices. If you are pregnant, you are not going to have as much fun. Sorry. If this is your one-and-only trip, I highly advise waiting until you have pushed it all out before you go. If you know you will be returning again, go ahead and experience about 1/3 of the park attractions, as well as cankles. There are plenty of rides for you to go on, as long as you don't mind them all singing about Small Worlds, but the walking will kill you. I just returned from a five-day-adventure, and the fetus and I did a lot of sitting down. A LOT OF SITTING DOWN. Walt Disney World is about three million acres big. And you have to walk through most of it. And when you get to wherever you have walked, you can't go on the ride with your family. So you sit and wait. It isn't bad, but it certainly isn't ideal.

A picture of my cankles from day one. When I was sitting. While the family went on a ride I could not enjoy.

• Spouses that complain are going to drive you nuts. Sit down together and explain that this trip is NOT ABOUT THEM. And that, should they want to get punched, they can continue to gripe about cost/whining/walking/etc. This trip is about the children. And you. Mostly you, since you are putting it together, but also for the children. Because you are a giver.

• Extended family ie: family reunions and the grandparents that may want to come. BEWARE. The more people you add to your vacation, the more opportunities you add for whinging and moaning. I am speaking specifically of the Senior Citizens in your families. Yes, they used to be fun. That was because you left your kids with them and did not take them on your vacations. If you are confident that grandpa will not discipline your kids in public, or that grandma will not roll her eyes and sigh every time you give your kid a sugary snack, go ahead and take them. If you have doubts, try Disney as a family in California first. And make sure to get separate rooms. We would be fine with any of our parents coming with us to Orlando, because my mother gets sick just looking at rides (translation: babysitter!) and my step-dad likes to meander and people watch (translation: mother-sitter!). My dad will get irritable, but they allow for the drankin' at the Magic Kingdom (translation: happy Dad!) and my Step-Mom is my age (translation: I don't have to pay for my dad to be in a home in 20 years!). W's parents are a combination of my parents, but also really, really, really know their limitations (translation: they will abandon us when they get sick of us!). A benefit to bringing the folks is that, just maybe, they will buy you dinner. This comes in handy.

• Boyfriends and babysitters. I have given this a lot of thought. Here is my advice: Do not take your teenager's boyfriends/girlfriends on vacation to Disneyworld with you. I say this, having seen a lot of it this past week. Reason one: No one, especially Dad, wants to see them make out in all of their acne/pierced/Douchbaggy clothing glory. Reason two: This is a family vacation. Which means that there will be family pictures. And when Hunter and McKenna breakup, WHICH THEY WILL, you will never be allowed to look at the photos again, because the ex will be there. With your family. Babysitters, however, are a whole different ball of wax. If you can swing it, I HIGHLY recommend bringing along that 14 YO girl from the neighborhood. At 6 pm, you and the fam will eat dinner. At 7 pm, she will stay behind with the children and you and the spouse will GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN. Yes, it will cost you an extra set of tickets, but it will be worth it. I promise you. It will be worth it. Plus, she will be eternally grateful and you can always count on her canceling any plans for future Friday Night babysitting emergencies.
  

An ideal group to take to Walt Disney World is the following:
Me
Sue-donym
~J
A handicapped person (to get in on the special lines)
Someone who is independently wealthy.

If you can't get this group together, you haven't asked us. If you choose not to get this group together, you are stuck with your family. Sorry. But you can still have fun! (But not as much.) Your homework? Decide who is coming, who is staying home, and who is paying for all of this. Be brutally honest. Leave the whingers at home.

Tomorrow I will post Step Two: Pre-Planning or, Why Do I Take These People Anywhere?