How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Three

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here and part two is here.

Now that you have figured out who you are taking and how you are getting there, it is time for the final bit of pre-pre-planning: where you will stay.

There are, conservatively, ten-billion options for lodging in Orlando. Some of them are super-rad, some of them are super-ghetto, and all of them are over-priced. Sorry. For a Walt Disney World trip (especially a first-time trip), your best bets fall into three categories:

• Renting a condo or house
• Staying at a "Main Gate" hotel (and this is important) ON IRLO BRONSON HIGHWAY
• Booking a room within the Disney Resort area

Our family has taken all three options, and all three have turned out reasonably well for us. We have also not followed this advice and been very, very disappointed. Let me break it down for you.

The first time we ever went to Walt Disney World was on our "honeymoon." I say it in quotes because it took us seven years of marriage to get there. (We got married young, poor, in school, and over Christmas.) We decided that the time had come to take a vacation that involved neither family nor sleeping on the floor of said family, and packed our bags for Disney World, because it was a new place for both of us (we had been as kids, but never since). I researched and researched and decided on some cheap place that said it had a shuttle to the parks and had a pretty picture on the internet. We got there and it was WAY off of the highway, had no alarm clocks or pillows, and the shuttle was the city bus. Seriously. The first thing the next morning, what followed was The Most Romantic Thing Ever, when W took me to the Magic Kingdom, went to Guest Relations, and booked us a room at the Resort. He packed us and moved us and I never looked back at the HellHole From Hell That Wanted Me to Take the Bus. Since then we have always stayed within one of the three guidelines above and never been sorry.

Renting a Condo or House

I would venture to say that in the Orlando/Celebration/Kissimmee (all three viable condo lodging locales) area there are more houses available for vacation rentals than there are actual homes that people live in. I don't know where people live, but it doesn't seem like it is near Disney. The majority of these homes are pretty nice and posh, and can make for some relaxing holidays IF you:

• Have enough people with you that the home rental is cost effective
• Don't mind cooking and cleaning for yourself while on vacation
• Don't mind having some cash/credit tied up in deposits while on vacation
• Have a car handy
• Are not perfectly needy about internet/phone coverage

If you are going with more than four people, or need more than one hotel room or large suite, it can be really cost-effective to rent a house or a condo. During the off season, you can generally find a place that sleeps 6-10 for the price of two hotel rooms a night. If you have a load of kids or everyone needs a separate place to sleep, you can save a ton of money this way. Most rental homes have a washer and dryer (which is SO nice) and have fully-equipped kitchens. (Equipped with utensils and gadgets, not food or spices or anything else. You will have to buy salt and ketchup and all that you want salted and ketchupped.) Every single one of these vacation homes will have a pool or access to a pool. You may have to pay more for it to be heated. You will absolutely have to pay more if you want it cleaned (if that service is offered) or linens changed while you are there. It seems that about half of the homes have wireless available, and about half of those charge for it. All have DVD players and some sort of video gaming system. Every condo you can rent will have a "shuttle" to the park available, most charging per head and per day, which will end up costing you MORE than parking at the park. In addition, the shuttles tend to only run a few times per day, and the last shuttle generally leaves a few hours before the parks close. Big Drag. Since you need to go buy food for the kitchen (and laundry soap and shampoo) you need a car anyway. Rent one or bring your own if you are taking the condo/home option. And drive yourself to the park. Finally, every vacation rental home requires a million different deposits, most of which you will get back within six weeks of your last day in Orlando. Cleaning, non-smoking, no-pet, clubhouse, extra key--the list of deposits seems endless, and most are due well before you get to Orlando. If you are paying with a debit card, it ties up your cash for a few months. But you will get it back if you are patient, don't trash the place, and resist the temptation to loot.

If W would rent one of these, instead of a Focus, he could burn off a lot of Turkey Legs at the Park

Staying at a "Main Gate" hotel ON IRLO BRONSON MEMORIAL HIGHWAY

When you only need one room, or you just don't want the hassle of a condo, there are a lot of reasonably nice hotels within a mile or two of the Walt Disney World Resort Area. If you are not bringing a babysitter, chances are you are not going to be spending a lot of time in your room. You don't need a ton of bells and whistles, and if you are going during the High Holy Time of The Week After Thanksgiving, you aren't even going to use the pool. Don't stress about who has a spa, who has a breakfast buffet, and who has a shuttle to the park. (The shuttle may be free at some hotels, but it will always stop running two or three hours before the park closes. Way before the fireworks.) Read the latest Expedia or Travelocity reviews if you are concerned or super-picky, and then take a leap of faith. If you stay at a name chain you will always have better results than at "Country Joe's Holler Hotel And Aligator Pit." W maintains that the true sign of a hotel's superiority is what restaurant they have attached to the lodging. For example, a Best Western with a Pizza Hut is not as good as a Best Western with a Cracker Barrel. And anything with a Sizzler in the advertising is Dead Out. The most important thing you need to understand about choosing a hotel for your Orlando vacation is that it NEEDS to be no more than two miles from the park, preferably on Irlo Bronson Memorial Highway. At night it is dark and crowded and full of drunks and crazy tourists who are not used to driving in America. 1 AM with screaming children and irritated Daddy is not the time to have to drive more than ten minutes home. Places with "Main Gate" in their description mean that they are closest to the park without having "Disney" in their name. Stick with those. Stay away from International Drive--those ones are closest to Sea World, and that is too far.

Booking a Room in the Disney Resort--the Ultimate Vacation Lodging

Our favorite choice is staying within the Disney Resort itself. There are a bunch of different options to choose from, with some being reasonably well-priced. Disney rooms are best for your vacation if you:

• Have younger kids
• Don't want to drive anywhere at all
• Love Disney
• Want a more hassle-free experience
• Are ONLY going to Disney and no where else EVER

There are a few types of rooms within the pricing system at Walt Disney World: Value, Moderate, More Expensive, Who Do You Think You Are, and The No-Legs Family From Extreme Home Makeover Home Edition. Value is the cheapest, and we have stayed within that category the majority of the time because they work just fine for us, thank you very much. The one drawback to Value rooms is that the beds are full-sized. My husband is well over six feet tall, and I subscribe to the "hug and roll and never touch me again" sleeping school, so we often just each have our own bed on vacation. Which makes it even MORE of a vacation, IfYouKnowWhatIMean. The rooms are smaller, but they are clean and nice. You generally will have to pay for internet access. The pools and recreation areas at every Disney Resort are THE HEAT. Seriously. They are always nice and warm, and generally "themed" with slides and ladies walking around asking if you want a hair wrap or a caricature. A super-sweet bonus to the Disney Resorts is that you can purchase a giant, refillable mug for each person in your group for less than $10 and they can, all by themselves, go to the cafeteria any time that they want, and get soda. Without you. When you realize that a bottle of Coke is $3 at the park, this is a huge deal. Also, if they are stupid, you can convince them that this is the coolest souvenir ever.

As far as driving, you don't need to rent a car when you stay at the Disney Resorts although, if you do, the fact that you are a Resort Guest, gets you free parking ($14 a day for the schmoes who are off-property) at the parks. Disney has started this cool thing where you will get picked up at the airport, and if you get there before 10 pm, they will even get your checked bags and deliver them for you. Which is nice if you have a million kids (or one who is so high maintenance she seems like a million) and just NEED TO GET TO THE FREAKING HOTEL. They operate shuttles out of the hotels, which can be crowded, but they are plentiful and stay running until an hour or so after the parks close. If you are staying at a moderate or nicer resort, there are private monorail or boat stops that you can take straight from the park, which mean you don't need to sully your fancy, expensive behind with another bus ride.

Taking the ferry to the Magic Kingdom with the masses is JUST AS COOL as taking the private boat from The Grand Carribbean Resort That Costs $300 a Night.

Food is plentiful at the Disney Resorts, each with at least one cafeteria or restaurant, in addition to snack bars and poolside eateries. For Resort guests you can purchase dining plans which work like the meal cards you get at college (Shout Out, Deseret Towers!) and can be used in your hotel or at the parks. This is a cool option if you have older kids that may want to have some time on their own or want to eat away from you--they just show their card and can eat wherever.

The downside to Disney Resort lodging is two-fold: One, you are NEVER away from Disney. This is not a problem for my family, because we love us some Disney Magic. Some people get sick and tired of the mouse. I don't understand these people, because they are Freaks. But there you have it. The second down-side is that staying at the Disney Resort is always a little more money than staying on the cheap at the Best Western. But, oftentimes, if you factor in car-rental it evens out. Do your research. Sometimes you can get package deals that make it more affordable. If you are using a windfall and want to have 99% of everything paid for before you get to the parks, staying at the Resort, taking the shuttles, and pre-paying with the dining plan can mean that you are only spending a little bit for souvenirs and incidentals once you arrive, which is a nice feeling.

Your homework is to figure out what lodging is best for your family, and whether you will need wheels on this trip. Then start looking for package deals. Next post up is all about Finally going to the parks--which ones are which, and what to do when you are there or, as I like to call it, "I Paid $300 and all My Kid Wants To Do is Get Autographs From A Freaking Duck."