How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Four

I promise I was on this vacation. You will just have to believe me because there is very little photographic evidence.

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is here.

Sorry for the delay in posting, but it has been 80 degrees outside, so we have been playing.

Are you ready to hit the parks? NO YOU ARE NOT.
Before you step one foot inside the ticketed area you need to get to a grocery store and buy a case of bottled water and a bunch of your soda bottles of choice. Why? Because the tap water in Orlando tastes like someone left it in a pile of pennies for six months. It is rank. And the fountain drinks are made with said water, as is the ice. You cannot drink from the fountains, and if you buy bottles from kiosks you will pay about $3 a bottle. Trust me. While you are there, grab some trail mix or some goldfish or something to munch on. And some sunblock. You can buy trai lmix and goldfish and sunblock at the park, but it is super pricey. Put your bottles and snacks in the bottom of your stroller. Remember? You were instructed to bring your stroller? This is reason #1. Reason #2 is that, to rent one, is about $15 a day. You will be hitting the parks for at least 4 days, and you want to spend the $60 on something better than a stroller.

"What?? I am spending at least 4 days at the parks?!" you say? Yes. There is no way to do all four parks in less than four days. Especially with your family. Not to mention, there is Downtown Disney, a few really Disney water parks, the sports parks, the pool at the hotel, the outlets, and the Disney Mini Golf place. And this is JUST Disney. Four days is the minimum if you want to get a lot done.

Back to the topic at hand, you have thrown your water and snacks in the stroller. Also take some light jackets, and a change of clothes (including panties) for anyone under six years old. (There is a ton to do, and kids under six still get so preoccupied that they can "forget" to go to the bathroom until it is too late. Trust me.) If you find that you have forgotten jackets, stop at one of the millions of "CHEAP DISNEY" stores you will pass on Irlo Bronson. You can grab a warm fleece that says "Orlando" for about $7. MUCH better than buying one at the Magic Kingdom for $50, especially if it is only out of parental guilt that you are purchasing one. Souvenirs are great, when they aren't necessary purchases. Your last step is to measure your kids. Most of the "thrill rides" are for kids between 40-44 inches. Know their heights before you go, so Junior is not looking forward to Space Mountain all day, only to find out that he is not tall enough.

Anyway, you are packed and ready. Hop in your car or take the transportation from your hotel, and head to the Magic Kingdom. The parking lot you will be directed to is not ACTUALLY attached to the Magic Kingdom, but is a "transportation and ticketing center." You can purchase your tickets here, and then take either a ferry or a monorail to the theme park.

**A note about tickets: If the majority of your children are under eight years old, don't worry about buying the "park hopper" option. The parks are giant and exhausting, even the smaller ones (Animal Kingdom and Epcot) that close earlier. The likelihood that you are going to want to go to a second park after one of the smaller parks closes (at nine) and stay until midnight is super remote. Figure on eating dinner and heading back for bedtime. And save the $50 a person to go to multiple parks in one day. **

Choose which way you are getting to the park (the monorail is faster, but the ferry has more "scope for imagination" and climb aboard. Once you disembark, you will have to go through a rudimentary bag check, and then you are in! If it is crowded, your first step is to send Dad to Space Mountain for Fast Passes for everyone. Mom can stay behind with the kids and stand in line for autographs from the characters.

"Autographs? How lame. My kids don't want autographs!" you say? WRONG. They will see ONE kid getting them, and then you are screwed. Plus, the ONLY way to get pictures with the characters is to stand in line for them. And ALL of the kids have autograph books and fancy pens. Trust me.

Note the $7 Orlando fleece, and Chip writing in the autograph book. I told you.

Take advantage of the characters standing on main street and get your pictures out of the way while it is early and you are in a good mood. There are other, better, places where you can get better pictures, but there is NO way to pull a kid past Mickey without him wanting to stand there. Get this done, and you can say "Remember? We already said hello! Look at your autograph book!"

When Dad comes back with the Fast Passes, you have a couple of options. Our family heads to the Disney Barber Shoppe. Seriously. It is on Main Street right next to the fire station. And W gets a haircut. Really. It is $19 and a sweet, sweet cut. They put goopy gel and "fairy dust" on top, and give him a stack of stickers for the kid. While he gets that done, we finish with the characters, and then head to the Guest Relations office to pick up a celebratory button. Disney will give you a pin to announce your birthday, your first visit, your anniversary, or even "I'm Celebrating Something!" For free. Aside from a band-aid at the nurse station, this is the ONLY free thing you will get from Disney, so take advantage. Plus, if it is your birthday, every cast member that sees you will say "Happy Birthday, La Yen!" Which is awesome for your ego.

Note the sweet fade and the fairy dust.

W's hair is did, pins and autographs are done, so we then head to Fantasy Land and get that crap out of the way. Fantasy Land is the place with the Dumbo ride, Small World, and the little rides like Snow White and Mr Toad. It is also fifteen degrees hotter than any other part of the Magic Kingdom. The heat combined with the trillion children and the small rides makes it feel like Hell. But with churros. We get it out of the way while it is still cool and we are in a good mood. When you are done with Fantasy Land, it will be time to redeem the Space Mountain Fast Pass.

The teacups generally have a quick-moving line. But even when I am not knocked up they make me yak.

Head over to Tomorrow Land, and on your way to hit Space Mountain, stop and get Fast Passes for the Buzz Lightyear attraction. This is one of the most fun rides in the park, and everyone can do it. After Space Mountain, you are probably getting hungry. There is a pretty tasty hot dog cart in Tomorrow Land, but if you want to sit down, I recommend checking out the "casual dining" places. One of the benefits to the sit-down burger places is that on the bottom of your receipt there is a coupon for 20% off of merchandise at the Disney store. This is like pure gold filled with heroin.

After lunch, you are on your own at the Magic Kingdom--see what looks good, and have fun. Here are some of my tips that I think will help you out:

• If you want a great dining experience, make reservations (WELL IN ADVANCE) for the Crystal Palace Buffet. There are characters there, and the food is good. We try to do one nice meal a day, and this is usually our go-to at the Magic Kingdom.
• The Stitch attraction is too scary for me. And your kids.
• Do Dumbo at the end of the night. It will be MUCH less crowded.
• There is a playground near Splash Mountain, perfect for toddlers.
  
• You can't get assorted Goofy Sour Balls in Orlando anymore. Only Cherry. Boo.
• Don't have long toenails with French Tips. It makes me nauseated to see them.
• Warn the little ones that everyone is going to scream on the Haunted Mansion when you are in the elevator and the light goes out. Talk about it in advance.
• Leave the fat chicks behind. To rent a scooter at the park is $60 A DAY. Seriously.
  
• You can see the fireworks from just about anywhere in the park, but you can only see Tinkerbell if you are around the castle. If you don't want to camp out for an hour beforehand, just don't mention her. Jooj has NO IDEA. And I am fine with that.

Get a good night's rest, because tomorrow we are going to Epcot, or as I like to call it, "Eating and Eating and Eating and Eating, and SCIENCE."