How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: Part Five

What does Stitch have to do with Science!? I don't know. But there was NO LINE!

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here, part two is here, part three is here and here is part four.

Are you ready to be blinded with Science? Because you are heading to Epcot today!
Review the rules about water and soda and autograph books and head on over!
You have two ways to get there--a shuttle from that ticketing plaza, or just drive there. Either way, you are paying $14 for parking! Hooray!

Once you get into Epcot, you will notice that there are more characters there waiting to sign autographs for you. But there are FEWER children standing in line. Take advantage and take note. Get them done. While you are waiting, send dad over to get Fast Passes for Soarin', the best ride in the park. (Exactly the same as Soarin' Over California from Anaheim.)

You will also see the giant golf ball and a line for The Most Boring Ride Ever. Unfortunately, this is W's Favorite Ride at Epcot. So I always have to stand in the line and ride it. Boo. They have updated it, though, and it is Still Boring, but with Dame Judy Dench Talking. You can use this time to make dirty puns about the sponsor, Siemens.

I hate this ride.

After the ride you will find your first brush with Science! There are a bunch of kiosks with glorified video games that "teach" you how Science! might make your life better in the future. None of these touch on how Science! might make that stupid ride less boring in the future, so thanks for nothing, Science!

You have two options at this point--go towards Science! or go towards International Lands Of Internationality. The Science! area closes a few hours earlier, so if your kids are inclined, take them that way first. There are some fun rides and lots and lots of fun "hands-on" displays that require you to wait and get really rude to the Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line (they call them "queues") before. Here are some things I have tried:

• Smiling
• Saying, loudly, "I guess his mommy didn't teach him to stand in line!"
• Blocking paths
• Glaring

None of these work with Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line. When you find yourself getting to the point where you are going to throw down your churro and kick some European/Asian tail it is best to have Dad take over cheerfully standing in the line for Levers or Food Groups or Food Group Levers while you go take a break.

When you have had enough larnin' for the day, head over to The Seas land. There is a decent Nemo ride (The Submarine ride from Anaheim but without the crappy submarine) and a great aquarium with dolphins and giant fish. When we were there we saw male sea horses giving birth. It was cool. Even though it was real and not animatronic. You can also fight the Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line for some photo ops.

See those kids? Not in my family! Foreign! Never seen a line!

My brother had two rows of teeth like this. Also, gestating make my hair awesome!

After learning all about fish, you can then go next door and eat them at a pretty good casual dining restaurant, but I don't recommend it because you will miss out on eating at my favorite places, all of which I am going to tell you about, right now!

After The Seas, it is time to head over to International Lands of Internationality! This is my favorite part of Epcot. I love going to all of the lands. It rules.

First things first--go straight to England Land and get fish and chips. While you are eating them, watch the street show with some English Dudes and a Girl where they make Bawdy Puns and have you yell "Rubbish!" It is fun. Then go to the England Store and make your husband stand in line with the kids for Pooh and Tigger. While he is standing in line, you buy a Dairy Milk bar. Screw the gestational diabetes, you have been walking miles and miles and if the Foreign Tourists Who Have Never Seen A Line want to live, you need to stress eat.

Mami did not see any of this interaction because she was killing the baby with sugar. Yay!

After England Land, check out all of the other lands. They are really fun. Here are some of my favorites:

• Japan Land has a great Mitsukoshi department store and some awesome sushi
• France Land has palmieres in the shape of Mickey
• In France Land you can also get a hand-cut sillhouette portrait. We always do this.
• Morocco Land has killer baklava. And a restroom. Some lands don't have one, so heads up.
• Africa Land has drums. Blah.
• Mexico Land, ie El Paso, has a fun boat ride that W never wants to do. This is in spite of me waiting on line for the Most Boring Ride Ever earlier in the day.
  
• Scandinavia Land has a GREAT slow boat ride called The Maelstrom. I love it. It is beyond cheesy. They also have a princess dinner thing where you pay big bucks and get autographs and food. Across the street is a store where you can buy scary troll statues that Someday I Will Own.
• China Land has people playing drums and a bunch of crap for sale.
• Some evenings, if you are lucky, DAVID CASSIDY is in concert at America Land!!
• If you are able to go in October, you can attend the International Food & Wine Festival. The number of International Venues triple and they all give you something delicious on a stick and a glass of gin and juice. Just remember to leave earlier than closing time, because there is NO Breathalyzer at the exit and all of these FTWHNSAL have been drinking their way through the park and intend on driving back to their rooms.
  

When you have eaten your way through the lands, it should be about four PM. This is the critical time to head to Germany Land for an early meal at The Biergarten. This is our favorite. It is a German buffet and floor show with tubas and a great band and dancing and LOTS of drinking. (If you are a drinker.) They also serve root beer, which is one of the things I view as Tender Mercy and Reward for not killing the FTWHNSAL. When you are planning out dining, make reservations for four PM. Because Lunch ends around four and Dinner begins around four-thirty and you get TWO kinds of food.

Jooj took this picture. I was eating. It was heavenly.

After you have eaten, it will probably be time for your Soarin' Fast Pass to work. I know, it is seven hours later, but thems the breaks with Soarin'. You could have waited in line for two hours instead, if you wanted to go on it earlier. Suck it up. Head over to The Lands Land and go on it. It rules the school. Then you can go on The Lands boat ride (ironic, I know) which is more Science! but with vegetables.

After that, check out the things you have missed. Go get another Dairy Milk Bar if you have a chance. See the light show and fireworks if you feel like it. Or not. It is all about you.

Next up? Disney's Wild Animal Kingdom or, as I call it, "Papi, are those robots or hippos?"