How to Take Your Family to Disney World in Orlando, Florida and Not Kill Yourself: El Fin

It was pointed out to me, many years ago, that my one true talent is shopping. This is not entirely false. But I also have a few more talents, one of which is planning trips to Walt Disney World. What follows, lucky reader, is a primer of sorts. Part one is here, part two is here, part three is here and here is part four and part five.

Disclaimer: We did not do Hollywood Land/California Adventure this trip, because we decided that we wanted to hit the Magic Kingdom one more time before we headed home. But I am including it in this post in case you want to go there. It is at the end.

Yes, it has been a while. But we had to enjoy our week of spring before it gets into the nineties. Plus I am learning to inject myself with delicious insulin. And I am lazy. Sack up.

Disney's Animal Kingdom is seriously awesome. The biggest (acreage-wise) of all the parks, it does a really good job of not smelling like poop. It is also the only other place you can purchase a Coolie Hat, should you forget to pick one up in China Land.

When you arrive you will see MORE characters who want to autograph your kid. Take advantage of the relatively short lines. Also, note that there is a Rainforest Cafe on your left. Don't eat there, it is gross. But note that it exists. For posterity.

Send the fastest person in your party to run over to Expedition Everest for some Fast Passes. This is one of the greatest rides I have ever been on. Just when you think it is over, it goes backwards through the whole sequence. Super fun. For people who are not pregnant. For those who are, there is an ice cream cart and a bench nearby. Sigh.

Meet your Fast Pass getter over in Dino Land where you will want to ride Dinosaur (featuring Claire Huxtable!) and the Dumbo ride without Dumbo but with Dinosaurs instead. Jooj hated the Dinosaur ride (it was very dark) but loves roller coasters. Go fig. There is also a wicked-fun bare-bones roller coaster, but Jooj was too small to ride it. She would have really dug it. This is when knowing the heights and restrictions comes in handy again--prep the kids for what they can do ahead of time and steer them away from the ones they are too small for. In Dino land there are some carnival booths with prizes (avoid!) and a sand box thing for digging and running around. There is also a funnel cake booth nearby, and a turkey leg stand. I recommend hitting both while the kids are in the sand box dig thing. Win-win!

After you have done the dino land, your Everest Fast Passes should be ready. Head down the road and ride that bad boy. Then get more Fast Passes because you will want to ride it about thirty times. It is really that fun. Decide if you are hungry for lunch and, based on your time frame, either grab a quick burger or head over to the many animal-based attractions.

At the Animal Kingdom there are quite a few walking tours where you can see some really up-close views of animals, and two riding attractions where you see animals from far away. The one featuring bats and gorillas is my favorites--and they don't smell bad. Each walking tour has little guide-sheets at the entrance to help you identify random animals, and Disney Hosts who can tell you more about the animals you are seeing. All of the walking tours are stroller-friendly, which is more than the Freaking El Paso Zoo half of the time. (But the Animal Kingdom doesn't have a burro, so there is that on our side, EP!)

After I posed for this picture all these British tourists did the same thing. Because I am a trend-setter.

The riding attractions are pretty great. The safari jeep says that pregnant women should not ride, but this is the one ride warning I ignored because I have done it before many times. It is bumpy in places, but no bumpier than riding in an SUV. I am not a doctor, though, so don't sue me if you go into labor. When you are on this ride you will see all sorts of animals. You will try to take their pictures, but will only get shots of their backsides. Really.


The other riding animal ride is the train to Rafiki's Dirty Hippie Green Eco Petting Zoo. You get to see the back side of the park, with the sleeping quarters for the animals. We saw a brand new baby rhino. It made me lactate. In the petting zoo your kid can touch a snake and brush a sheep and learn about how you are killing the earth with your greed and selfishness. Awesome!



When you get back to the main park, try to catch one of the shows--they are really well-done. Jooj hated the Lion King show, but she hates everything good. So don't take her advice on that. Ride Everest a few more times, and go see It's Tough to Be a Bug, where you totally get Buggered if you are not paying attention. In 3D!

Hollywood Studios is the park we didn't hit on this trip, but it is a great park for young and old. Some of the big thrill rides (a giant Aerosmith Roller Coaster, Tower of Terror) are way too scary for me and the Jooj, but W loves those. Playhouse Disney is great for the preschoolers--an air conditioned show where Mami sits and Jooj watches Mickey and Einsteins perform. And they shoot out bubbles and confetti! Win-Win! Here are my tips for Hollywood Studios, all quick-like because I am running long:

• Make sure you go on the Toy Story Carnival ride. It is one of the best things you will ever do. When it opened we waited for three hours. It was absolutely worth the wait.
• It is well worth it to arrive early for the Star Wars Jedi Training Academy show, because you can sit in the front and your kid will get picked to fight. Awesomely awesome.
• Muppet Vision 3D is always funny.
• Unless you care about such lame stuff, skip the "movie" attractions. I find them to be extra lame. I went on the Universal Studios Back Lot tour when I was twelve. What more do I need to do?
  
• For eating, I cannot say enough about the 50's Prime Time Cafe (an Ed Debevick's-type experience), the Sci-Fi Dine In Theater, and the Ice Cream place. All three are really fun and delicious. You need reservations in advance for the first two, but can get ice cream on demand.
• The Drew Carey attraction is extra lame.

And there you have it. You have done the parks and lived to tell the tale. Be proud. And don't think about how much cash you have spent. And make sure that you get a Mickey Ice Cream Bar before you head back to MCO, where you will spend hours in the TSA line. If you are extra lucky, you will miss your flight and have to drive home from Phoenix after twenty-straight-hours-of-travel!