They did a pep rally tribute to Michael Jackson. With glitter!

Dear Lifetime Channel,
You and I have had our tight spots--remember when W forbade me to have any contact with you? That was harsh. Super Harsh. But we survived our separation--in fact I think that we are closer than ever, that our love is stronger because of our forced break-up.

I want you to know that I have always believed in you. From the repeated showings of "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" and Meredith Baxter Birney's Betty Broderick opus, to the AWESOME Mary Kay biopic where Parker Posey did the splits and proclaimed "Beauty Control's Alright, alright..Beauty Control!" you have never let me down. And I don't even need to mention what you have done for the career of Kellie Martin. You are truly a giver. You know that. And you know that I love your generous nature.

But tonight, tonight, Lifetime Channel, you pulled a coup. "Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal." It was like you and I were the only two people on earth, LC. Tatum O' Neal as the ineffective principal, GENIUS. And the dialogue? "She wouldn't know a hurkey from a hurdle!" "I told you she would think hot boxing was dirty." Shakespeare couldn't have done better. Cat fights with cheerleaders curbing their squad mates? That was like my anniversary and birthday in one. And the scene with the girls dressing like hookers? Christmas.

I had heard Tom Cruise say it, but I didn't understand what it meant until now, Lifetime Channel. But, truly, you complete me.

Yours for always and forever,
La Yen

Dear Mexico,
I know that you have gotten a bad rap, what with your immigrants and your language and your NAFTA. But I wanted to let you know that I truly and deeply thank you for the siesta. Because it is really really hot here, just North of your Chihuahua border, and sleeping from one until four helps the heat pass.

Also, thank you for the Baja Chalupa. Not yours? Ours? Really? Well, then, carry on.

Con mucho gusto,

La Yen

An Open Letter to Advertisers

The following commercials are ludicrous:

1. The soy milk commercial where the book club hostess is serving tumbler-fulls of Silk. Really? Soy milk at book club? Really? And a whole tumbler? Really?

2. Mariposa, the butterfly fairy. Can you make this song inaudible to adult ears? Because it is always in my head. And I will never buy this because the song is driving me nuts.

3. Whatever diet product this is--I don't care what Topanga looks like, or how much she weighs. Please put her boobs away from my eyes.

4. Prescription Meds for Whatever--Do you REALLY think that grandpa is watching Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency? Why are you paying for airtime for your arthritis pills? And why do you think all the old people want to sculpt things from clay? We all know they want to have their ED treated so they can get on other old people. Now we are thinking about our grandparents reenacting that scene from Ghost. Thanks.

In addition, Lindsay Wagner is not a good spokesperson for anything.

Dear big fat man in the store,
Congratulations! Your three-inch chin piercing distracted me from noticing that you were big and fat! For about 30 seconds.

Dear disapproving old lady,
My child is crying because I am disciplining her. Because we have talked about how she needs to sit down if she wants to sit in the basket. She knows this. She is testing me. Do not give me dirty looks because my kid is throwing a fit. Better a fit now than burning your house down in ten years. Suck it.

Dear "cool" guy wearing Palazzo pants while walking around my neighborhood,
Palazzo pants are not even in style for women. So even if you were a woman, which you are not, you would not be cool.

Dear couple visiting from Lesbia,
Live however you want to live, but for the love of everything good and decent, walk faster or move out of the way!

Dear Jooj,
Thanks for bearing with me while we ran a ridiculous amount of errands. I am glad we are still friends. You are great.