Welcome to My Brain. Spacious, Isn't It?

Since I now have no thoughts that are not about either

Relief Society things I have to do
How the baby hates me
Why is Jooj wearing shorts, a coat, mittens, boots, and NO SHIRT?
How much I hate those Fresh Beat Band 30-year-olds.

I thought I would indulge you with a sampling.

1. The baby is totally racist. Only wants white things to eat. ONLY.

2. The baby does not want me to go to heaven. The ONLY thing that keeps the nausea away is a Mocha Java Chiller from Sonic. Luckily, it is not a HOT drink.

3. I am the only one in the Relief Society Presidency that uses the computer for more things than email. And every presidency meeting involves these words: "I bet, if someone knew how to use the computer, she could totally just search for this and then print it out and then plan the whole activity/make the invitations/write the program. You know how to do that, right?"

4. It is cold. And rainy. Why is she not wearing a shirt? Also, will kindergarten call me in for a conference when they find out how obsessed she is for body parts? Especially my ones that are currently growing faster than they can be contained by brassieres?

5. I hate those Fresh Beat Band 30-year-olds. They are the worst.

Keep your brains active, kids. That's the moral of this post. You don't want to end up like me.

Isn't it cute when old people get technology?

(Answer: No.)

We have some old people in our ward. About twelve that qualify as old, and ten that qualify as old and crochety. One that carries a briefcase.

And they ALL have gotten technology.

As a result, I get the following things every week:

1. e-cards

2. forwards in Spanish

3. forwards in English

4. a ward bulletin created using Corel-soft, I think.

5. plants/cookies/hugs/guilt on facebook.

Now, I love these old people, many of whom are Jooj's adopted grandparents. One in particular, she decided "She is SO cute! She gives me candy. She will be me NEW grandma." (Note to actual Grandmas: get on the candy stick if you want to stay in the game.) But in my world, I don't really understand how to fit these tech-savvy (ish) oldsters in to a pigeon-hole. I am not against them like CJane, but I do fear the power they may wield in, say, a Sidekick. Or a Twitter account. (New tweets: I like fiber! Viagra is awesome! I am old! Bill O Reilly is hot! I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you pesky kids!)

I have been reading Reader's Digest to figure out their motives in techno-knowledgey, but all I am learning is that I need to speak to my doctor before I start a hormone replacement therapy regime, and that old people, apparently, have sex. Ew. Dad. EW.

There are things that I believe that old people need computers and gadgets and things for:

Family History.
Keeping recipes.
Receiving jokes and emails that they must then print out because they can't comprehend the fact that the interwebs will save them indefinitely.

But all of this can be done without me finding out that my friend's mom is now a doula and wants to invite me to join a group of some kind that saves whales when I receive a virtual gnome and then send a virtual gnome in return. Right?

Deal Breakers

What are your deal breakers? The things that, no excuses, would make you throw in the towel? Here are some of mine:

If my therapist takes a phone call in the middle of my intake for severe clinical depression and talks to his tennis partner for fifteen minutes, I leave.

If people tell me what I believe or who I hate, I leave (at least mentally, if I can't do it physically).

Staying awake for more than 20 hours. Can't do it. Not to win a million dollars, even. Complete deal breaker.

The Twilight series. Don't ask me to be involved. It will be a deal breaker.

Hearing about someone's "Mucus Plug." Deal breaker. Sorry. (Unless it is a sweet band you are in, called Mucus Plug. I can do that.)

Any situation involving the phrase "My Bad." I immediately want to punch you in the throat.

Asking me to take sides between my parents or other family (or Ecktons.) You are going to lose, and there will be no deal.

Spumoni ice cream (not only a deal breaker, but almost a table-thrower-over). I would leave a free dinner if I had to eat Spumoni.