Renewal

I love being a mother.
I love that my son smiles and coos and exists.
I love that my daughter is smart and sassy and loving and kind.
I love being a mother.

But I am their entire world.
And that is exhausting.

My son is dependent on my body for his very survival. Every hard-earned ounce on his frame came from me. I made it. And I fought him for it. I still fight him for it.

My daughter makes me the arbiter of every dispute, betrayal, question, and thought that crosses her mind. The other night she was cuddling with W and he fell asleep (as fathers do) and his muscles twitched (as muscles do) and she got flapped in the face. And I had to console her. And put her back to sleep.

And this meant that my son, who was eating, could no longer eat. I had to give my all to my daughter. And since he had to wait, he was inconsolable.

And since he was inconsolable, I had to cut my time short with my daughter. Who went to bed thinking, a little, like she was not the most important person in my life.

But she is. Except when her brother is.

Her brother who will not sleep unless he is either in my arms or on my breast. And I am not going to train him to sleep otherwise while he is still so small. Because he is the most important thing in my life, and I need him to grow and thrive.

And my daughter can't thrive without my love and attention, either. Because she has been my world for five years. And I am not going to train her to be otherwise while she is still so small. Because she is the most important thing in my life, and I need her to grow and thrive.

Except that the real most important thing in my life is my husband. And I can't bear the thought of being without him all of the time.

But there is a baby in my bed and a big girl in my bed. And the space between us is filled with these tiny beings who are so demanding. And to whom attention must be paid.

And maybe I am doing this all wrong. Maybe I need to remember the time that the most important thing in my life was God. And I need to pay the attention to Him. And if I do so, maybe He will make my arms wide enough for both of my children, and more beyond those who are living with us right now. Maybe He will make my body able to feed my son while it succors my daughter emotionally. Maybe He will close the gap between my husband and I, the gap filled with children and toys and feet and exhaustion and service and jobs and desperation. And He, who gave me these children, each honest miracles, will give me the ability to raise them into the people He needs them to be. And will give me the ability to raise myself into the woman He needs me to be.

I think I can do this now.

Callooh! Callay!

This picture no longer makes me ill!

I haven't posted my positives since Thursday. Know why? Because I have been too busy getting to work. Know why? Because the sickness has all but vanished. ALL BUT VANISHED!

And that was so positive I didn't have time to post about it; I was too busy praying prayers of thanksgiving/cleaning/talking to my husband/playing with my kid. All things I--seriously--haven't done in four months.

I don't know if this is a permanent condition, but I will take it for as long as it lasts. I feel like myself again. (And since I can't feel the baby kick or move yet, I keep forgetting I am even with child. Which is a surprisingly awesome feeling. I mean sure, My Sharona still hurts like I have been kicked by a mule, but that is not going to last forever.)

Yesterday at church, I was reflecting on how great it was to feel great. And I was wondering if it was just the complete absence of feeling great that made the presence so noticeable, or if it was something more. And then the words to this song popped into my head:

I am happy today for the sunshine
For the sky of gray and blue
For within my heart is the song I love:
I'll live; I'll work; I'll do!

(I don't know if those are the exact lyrics. But those are what I always sing. So that's what counts.)

And I got one of those pure inspiration moments--it is not enough to just feel well, I was so joyous because, for the first time in four months, I was able to live, work, and do. And I need that in my life. I used to always think that it would be great to just sit, like Gilbert Grape's mother, all day. But after living that way for so long, I realize that it is nice for a day, maybe, but not what I need in my life for thriving. I am still having to work out the kinks--I get really tired, and over-tired=nausea. But I will figure all that out soon, I am sure.

And so that is my focus this week--living, working, and doing. Want to join me?