May Flowers

Last week was really hard: kids around 24/7, rain and snow, and the deployment slump when it feels like it has always been this way, and always will. The thing that made it the hardest, though, is that I continually felt like I was failing this deployment. I have so many goals and things I think I should get done during this time--I should lose weight, exercise every day, save money, pay off bills, keep a spotless house, be both parents for the kids, write to W and send him packages every week, read my scriptures, figure out what I'm going to do in two years when Sara starts school full-time, write my novel, do my adoption work, practice the piano, schedule playdates, supervise homework, bathe the kids more than twice a week, feed them, love them, and on and on and on. It all came crashing down last week, when I realized how hard I was failing this gig.

So I was really knocking myself down and repeating all of my faults and how awful and lazy I was and how I was wasting this time, probably disappointing God and W and everyone in between when I felt a voice in my soul say "You can't fail this." And it stopped me in my tracks. I all of a sudden had a flood of memories of me consoling friends, telling them that there was no right way to do a deployment (or a NICU stay, or an illness), but that any way you get through it is the right way for you. I told that to people, and I believed it when I told them. I still do.

But that's for other people, not me. Just like comparing myself to others is instructional, not akin to self-immolation. And how I don't need any grace, because I can work hard and save myself.

And all of these things flashed through my brain and I just had this moment of clarity--There. Is. No. Failing. This. Deployment. Even if all I do is the bare minimum, the time will still pass. Even if I don't save all my money, I still will have paid down some debts by simply paying bills. Even if I don't go every day to the gym, I'm still going more than I was before. There. Is. No. Failing.

I can't tell you how much peace this gave me, and I don't know why it has taken me so long to internalize this. We will survive this, there will be times that we thrive and exceed expectations, and there will be times that we make garbage angels on the kitchen floor. But we will not fail.

Week Two, Wherein I Get Philosophical

I seriously hate when they want to sleep on the floor. And they seriously love when I let them. Sigh.

Week two is done and gone, and we are getting into a routine: kids to school, go to the gym, pick up Sally, pretend to clean but actually play Merge Dragons, pick up kids, do dinner, pretend to clean some more, go to bed. Things seem less scary and the kids are holding up like champs—they don’t even care when their dad calls, just like normal. Poor Buster has been sick for the past few days and even slept through an entire snow day. One of the things I have been worried about was if the kids got sick—I am so used to having W here to administer a priesthood blessing for healing and (mostly) my peace of mind. But I am realizing that the things I most dread, the things I most worry about are really a trick of the mind combined with my anxiety. We get through. That’s what we do.

 In the past, in fits of anxiety and panic I have railed against the notion of “that’s what we do.”  Why, I would sob, does God ask us to do this? We have the strongest marriage, and love each other the most—why do we of all people, have to be separated so regularly? Doesn’t God know how much it hurts? Surely there are other families who are more independent, who love each other less, who like each other less—can’t they be called to this? But more and more I realize that the military life is for us a calling. It’s what God wants W to do, and what he is exceptional at doing. And so is our family. My kids are so good at this life, the moving and making friends everywhere. Even Buster, who is the most like me, introverted and better at one-on-one interaction, is good at this life. And so, little by little, I am coming to accept that maybe that is why we are asked to do this: the fact that our family can do this is why we are asked to endure through separations. Maybe our sacrifice means that another family that isn’t as strong of a unit gets a chance to be together and strengthen those bonds.  (And maybe that family wants to send us a million dollars and some chocolates as a THANKYOUVERYMUCH.)

Speaking of a million dollars, I now owe my neighbors tens of millions. I spent all day Friday snow-blowing and shoveling and when I finished—literally on the last pass—the plow came by and dumped more into the driveway.  I started over again, finished up, and got the car out to drive to the post office because I was expecting a delicious package of chocolate covered cinnamon bears to arrive. And then I somehow slipped in the driveway and the back of the car got stuck in our grass. In about a six inch hole that I made trying to get it out. And so I sat in the car and sobbed. I begged God to just push the car a tiny bit. I got angry. I got despondent. And then I walked to the post office and got my packages*. I knew that later on this week the snow was supposed to melt and I would figure it out then.  And then my sweet neighbor showed up at eight PM with a tow rope and a “hey, did you mean to park like that?” And I sobbed because I had literally just finished asking God to help again. He worked for the better part of an hour and we got the car unstuck and went home and now I have to face the fact that the one thing I need to learn from this deployment is that I need to ask for help from actual living people, not just from God.  Basically I would rather be stuck without a car for nine months than to ask for help—not because I think I can do it all, but because I don’t want to be a burden and  I don’t want to disturb.  Here’s hoping I can just say “I’ve learned this one now!” and never have to put it into practice again. And while we’re hoping, let’s hope for spring to come.

*And as a complete metaphor for my life, my "you made it" present to myself turned out to be not delicious chocolate covered cinnamon bears, but instead I accidentally ordered disgusting chocolate covered gummy bears. (The kids were thrilled.)

Deployment Week One: Our Burdens Made Light

Does this blog even work anymore? I know it's been about forty years since I regularly posted, but have been feeling like I needed to document this deployment we are doing, so here we go.
Short recap: We have a bunch of kids, live in North New York, and my husband is on a nine-month deployment to the Middle East. Also we have a Great Dane who is basically a moronic pony.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. Mosiah 24:15

We have made it through the longest week--week one of deployment. W left a week before he was originally scheduled, and so his departure date was the first day of the kids' winter break week off of school. We literally did nothing this week. Buster and Jody wore the same clothes from Monday until I bathed them Saturday night. Everyone watched tons of tv and played tons of video games, and guess what? It was fine. We were fine. They are fine. It was like a week of comfort and coziness and nobody melted into hysterics or felt overwhelmed by loneliness, even me.

I have been incredibly conscious of the presence of the Holy Ghost in our home comforting and guiding me. It literally feels like I am surrounded by angels who are making things better. When I need help (for example, when Jojo got a gushing bloody nose and I didn't know how to stem the blood) I prayed and knew immediately how to calm him until the blood stopped. I can't explain it any better than to say that our burdens are actively being made light. Part of me thinks "this can't go on the entire deployment so enjoy it while it lasts" but the other part of me thinks "don't tell God He can't do this for nine months, Galan."

Highlights of the week: Sara learned how to manage the remote control. Buster exclaimed "YES! I love this song! It makes me feel like something is going to explode!" when Zarathustra came on. Jody has had very few tantrums and has been quick to love and cuddle me. Jooj has been a tremendous help, and as a reward I let her spend the night with her friend's family at a casino. She's living the North Country Dream. As for me, I bathed TWICE this week and got through about five MFM podcasts.