May Flowers

Last week was really hard: kids around 24/7, rain and snow, and the deployment slump when it feels like it has always been this way, and always will. The thing that made it the hardest, though, is that I continually felt like I was failing this deployment. I have so many goals and things I think I should get done during this time--I should lose weight, exercise every day, save money, pay off bills, keep a spotless house, be both parents for the kids, write to W and send him packages every week, read my scriptures, figure out what I'm going to do in two years when Sara starts school full-time, write my novel, do my adoption work, practice the piano, schedule playdates, supervise homework, bathe the kids more than twice a week, feed them, love them, and on and on and on. It all came crashing down last week, when I realized how hard I was failing this gig.

So I was really knocking myself down and repeating all of my faults and how awful and lazy I was and how I was wasting this time, probably disappointing God and W and everyone in between when I felt a voice in my soul say "You can't fail this." And it stopped me in my tracks. I all of a sudden had a flood of memories of me consoling friends, telling them that there was no right way to do a deployment (or a NICU stay, or an illness), but that any way you get through it is the right way for you. I told that to people, and I believed it when I told them. I still do.

But that's for other people, not me. Just like comparing myself to others is instructional, not akin to self-immolation. And how I don't need any grace, because I can work hard and save myself.

And all of these things flashed through my brain and I just had this moment of clarity--There. Is. No. Failing. This. Deployment. Even if all I do is the bare minimum, the time will still pass. Even if I don't save all my money, I still will have paid down some debts by simply paying bills. Even if I don't go every day to the gym, I'm still going more than I was before. There. Is. No. Failing.

I can't tell you how much peace this gave me, and I don't know why it has taken me so long to internalize this. We will survive this, there will be times that we thrive and exceed expectations, and there will be times that we make garbage angels on the kitchen floor. But we will not fail.