One of my love languages is thoughtfulness. For a long time I really felt like giving things equated to giving love, and I spent a lot of time and effort picking out the perfect gifts for those who were important in my life. After years of thinking and praying, however, I have reigned back on the presents, simply because I have realized that Things do not equal Love (what a burden lifter that realization was!). I still feel pretty strongly about gift giving. I have, how you say, opinions. And I know you are frothing to hear them. Don't worry, though, I don't hold others to my stringent standards, but I do feel frownsmiley for you when you get it all wonkity.
First up, General Rules of Thumb for Gift Giving:
- Gift giving is not about you. Stop it. You do not give a present so that you can check off a box or receive praise.
- The thought really does count. I would rather have no present than an afterthought from the checkout line. And not because I am a snob and want you to think for hours about my needs, but because WE ALL HAVE ENOUGH CRAP IN OUR HOMES. If you can't be bothered to put effort into choosing a thoughtful present, then don't give anything at all. Seriously. Don't even worry about it.
- Don't buy out of obligation. See the previous bullet points. Let's all just stop the cycle of "They got me something so I have to get them something and here is a novelty picture frame I can regift!" There are very few times when etiquette calls for obligatory gifts. Aside from those times, the best gift you can give a friend is a sincere "Thank you!" when they offer you a present. Accept it, express gratitude, and if you feel like you want to reciprocate, do so in a meaningful way. You know what is a great gift? Letting someone off the hook for having to get you a reciprocal gift.
- Christmas and birthdays are not the time for pointed sermons or veiled (or not so veiled) criticisms. Self-help books are not for the holiday gift. Neither are books on budgeting or how to properly repent. In the same vein, if you hate the way your sister dresses, Christmas is not the time to purchase her a new outfit that YOU love, and refuse to hand over the receipt when she wants to return it. Again--gift giving is NOT ABOUT YOU. Stop it. Maybe there is a book that really changed your life, and you genuinely want to share it with your loved ones. Give it just because. Maybe save it for Epiphany. Or an "I was thinking about you" moment. Do not give it for Christmas or birthdays. People can be especially sensitive during the holiday seasons, and it is just too easy to take offense where none was intended. A small story: The first Christmas I spent with my dad and new step mom I was really at a loss for what to give them. I equated things with love, and so I wanted to GIVE things, so that they would know that I loved them. The trouble was, I really didn't know my step mom, and felt like I didn't know my dad well, either. I did know that she did not enjoy cooking, but that my dad loved to be in the kitchen. I had recently discovered a great book full of low-fat recipes. I always struggle with weight, so I really loved this book. I thought "She can choose dinners and Dad can make them! Perfect!" And on the car ride home from the party I realized "Holy Crap--did I just inadvertently call her fat? Because I gave her a weight-conscious cookbook?" This was fourteen years ago. I have no idea if she even noticed this. But I have felt stupid ever since. Now imagine that you INTENDED to give your brother pointed advice. He is absolutely going to feel it from your "change your life now" present. So don't do it. Stop it.
- Do not give "coupon" gifts if you are older than eight. This is a complete cop-out, and everyone knows it. No one is going to call you up in six months and say "Hey! You know that dinner you said you'd make me for Christmas? I want it tonight." If you are my niece and you are a hairdresser, don't give me a "coupon" for a hair cut. Because you are my niece and should be cutting my hair anyway. If you are my husband, don't give me a "coupon" for a massage. You are contractually obligated to massage me whenever my back hurts. Nut up and give me a gift. CAVEAT: Services are absolutely fine to offer if you are going to give them immediately. If you want to make dinner for a friend, bring them a meal ready to go into the freezer. One of the best Christmas presents was when my cousin, a massage therapist, brought her table TO Christmas dinner. And then, after pie, gave anyone who wanted a massage. Genius.
What do you think about all of this? Am I too much of a present potentate? Tomorrow we will go into ways to figure out what to give. (Hint: Give me cash.)
Posts
2 comments:
I'm a bad gift-giver. I do give gifts so I can check off a box. But not so I can receive praised. Just so I can check off a box.
I don't 100% agree that coupon gifts are a cop-out. Yes, the spouse must give massages. But if I had a friend or family member who gave me coupons for a handful of free babysittings throughout the year, I would think that was an AWESOME gift. If it came from the mother-in-law, less so. (Grandmothers are contractually obligated to babysit like spouses are contractually obligated to give massages.)
Also, I'm doing the 12-dates-in-an-envelope idea for my husband this year. I've asked and asked and asked what he wants, and he doesn't want anything. Neither of us speak the gift love language. He does, however, speak the love language about quality time, so this is a gift that will give him time throughout the year.
Sherry, you might be surprised at how many people in your family feel the same way that you do--You should talk to them and see if you can all just stop doing gifts. Maybe pool your resources and do a tradition or a memory--like "instead of spending $100 on gifts that no one seems to care about, let us all, as a family, go out to a $100 restaurant together." Honestly, letting people off the hook is an amazing gift in and of itself.
Post a Comment