I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watchtowering Me...

I don't know a whole lot about other religions. I mean, I know the basic tenets of Catholicism and Judaism and I know lots of anecdotal things about the Baptists and the Lutherans (from the picketing of Temple Square and A Prairie Home Companion, respectively). I watched Witness, so I feel reasonably versed in Amish-ism, and I see the Mennonites at WalMart all the time. (They make the best cheese in the land, you know. The Mennonites. Not WalMart.) But the stricter, more secretive religions? The ones that don't seem to play well with other kids? I don't know much. This is why I am terrified.

Because the Jehovah's Witnesses are out to get me.

Item one: They proselyte in my neighborhood every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. Not a big deal, except when they let my dog out and then watch as I struggle to keep my kid in the house and chase a barking maniac. Also, I like some of the pictures in The Watchtower. They amuse me. And one time they told me that there was no music in heaven except for angelic harps. Boo to that, I said.

Item two: They come to my house every weekend. Even though I have never let them in. Not a big deal. Except that they come early in the morning. And one time one of the ladies told me I was being selfish for not giving her my crib stored in the garage.

Item three: Last week I got a letter from a Jehovah's Witness. I don't know who sent it. It told me that, since we were such great friends, it would be a shame if they didn't let me in on a little secret--Jehovah might want to save me. Again, I don't know who sent it. I think it was from someone I bought something from online. Or something. Since I am NOT a Jehovah's Witness, I don't actually KNOW any Jehovah's Witnesses. Because they, apparently, are not encouraged to be friends with non-believers. This is what I gathered from the letter. Also, that if I did not become one, I would not be allowed to be this lady's friend any longer. Except that I don't know who she is.

Item four: A few days later I got ANOTHER letter from a Jehovah's witness. This one, also addressed to "my friend, La Yen" was from someone who claimed to be a neighbor, but lives about six zip codes to the west. Same spiel, but with the added caveat of very nice handwriting. I sent the letter to DaStew for his birthday, since I actually KNOW him, and think that he deserves to maybe be saved, as well.

Item five: Yesterday morning, as I was sleeping in late because of a wicked head cold, they came to my door and asked for me by name. Just me. W told them I was asleep, and already religioned. I don't know how they got my name. Is there a central processing agency over to Kingdom Hall? Am I getting referred by all of my anonymous friends? I am so confused.

And scared. Because I only know a little about the JWs, and most of it is mixed up with all I read in Us Weekly about the Scientologists. So am I going to get kidnapped by Prince and then forced to endure a silent childbirth? Is Tom Cruise going to come to my door with an umbrella and then tell me to quit my medications cold turkey? Look what happened to Michael Jackson! Should I be worried? Because I am.