I finished Jooj's blanket today.
Let me preface that with reminding you that I am not a good quilter. What I lack in skill, however, I make up with enthusiasm. And SPEED. The problem, I think, is you have to be precise. I learned on this one (only my second) that you cannot "eyeball" a quilt. You actually have to measure and re-measure. Gravy, I am not good with the measuring.
But I am not too concerned, because I know that this blanket will be a lovie. I do not expect it to make it to her graduation. And, mostly, because she really, really wanted it, and I wanted to bring her some happiness.
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I have been feeling low, as of late, in respect to my duties and role and destiny. A friend is currently on bed-rest, and has been spending her time chatting with me. Which is nice. I enjoy the chat. But the conversations tend to go like this:
Her: I am pregnant! I have life in my womb!
Me: Hooray for you!
Her: Jooj sure gets all of her _________ from her birth mother!
Me: Well, I am pretty _______, too...
Her: Yeah, but she also gets ______, and ______, and ______.
Me: Jooj is MY daughter, you know.
Her: Of Course She Is. But she has so much in common with her birth mother, too! SO much! They are like twins!
Me: ...
Her: I sure am glad I am filling the measure of my creation!
I exaggerate a bit. And I know that she means no ill. She is just young.
But many days of this sort of conversation takes its toll, you know. And I can't get it out of my head that I was given ONE job as a woman: To multiply and replenish. And I am doing neither, you know. Even with a calculator.
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Now, I know the spiel: I am her mother. ME. I am raising her, I am sealed to her, ME. I am her mother.
And yet.
I want so desperately to lay claim to everything that is hers. I want her smile to be MY smile. I want to see my grandfather in her cheeks, or my sister in her elbows. (But not her her teeth. Juju is prone to root canals.) I want to look at her and think "I Made That."
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post.
I can't give her elbows or teeth or cheeks or what-have-you, but I can give her joy. And it made her really, really happy that I was making her something. So happy that she proclaimed "Hooray! Hooray! Hop Hop!"
And I think that I mother a lot like I quilt--I do it kind of half-assed sometimes, and I eye-ball it quite frequently, and you won't find me pulling tons of seams in order to make it perfect for my blog posts or Flickr pool. It generally turns out wonky. But there is speed and enthusiasm. And I do it because it means something to me, and something to her.
And maybe I am not filling the measure of my creation--I have not multiplied, but there are times when I know I have replenished her little soul, replenished her faith, replenished her psyche, replenished her belly. I am doing the best job I can with the materials (or lack of materials) I have been given. And I am doing it for the least of these. So that should matter in the end, right? I think it will.
And I made her a matching one for the dollhouse. Because I know it would make her happy. See? Enthusiasm. And Speed.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Emomsculated
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20 comments:
I'm reminded of the sage words of the crash test dummies "he might be a father but he sure ain't a dad". Being mommy is so much more than birth. It is replenishing jooj every day, making her smile, encouraging her, knowing who she is. I may live thousands of miles away and can't see your day to day, but I'm pretty sure she is being shaped and molded by you as her mommy, and that will always have much much more weight than how she was made biologically. If doing that isn't fulfilling the measure of your creation, I don't know what does. Nice quilt too!
You made me cry.
I think you are the bomb for even attempting a quilt....a talent I cannot even fathom!
Hey Jen, you made me cry too! You also made me think of genes that we don't want to pass on, like my glasses prescription! Yeah, it's neat having a baby biologically, and I still ask Heavenly Father to give you this blessing, but it also breaks my heart to see my children struggling with something I had to deal with (and its even worse when they're worse than me, like Marci!)
Are you going to send me your travel dates?
Love, cay
crying too... it's too early in the AM for that! And my VT's are coming and will be, like, "you look like you've been crying?..." or will say something that opens the floodgate again. Thanks a lot, friend. I have to say I do a lot of accidental parenting myslef, it warms my soul tknow that you do too. You are the best and great shall be YOUR joy!
I know quilters who can create perfect seams and points without putting much thought or effort to it and worse--without putting their hearts into it.
My favorite quilters are the ones who sew their love and passion and enthusiasm into their quilts--which truly makes them theirs.
Putting your heart into something--someone--is what fulfilling the measure of your creation is all about. That's also what brings you the joy and rejoicing in your posterity.
In other words, you're a damn fine quilter and one of my very favorites.
I have several adopted friends who grew up to look like their adoptive parents. In fact, I think that happens all the time (probably related to that totally creepy study I read once in which it was shown that spouses will start to look like each other if they live together long enough).
Um ... I have a testimony of adoption. And I have a testimony of motherhood not coming in the same package for everyone, because that would be lame. And I have a testimony of the most important behaviors and traits being learned/taught, not inherited.
And I have a testimony of that young bed-rest friend meaning well but being an idiot, like me. I love that you are able to cut her some slack, and I'm sorry that so many of us are idiots.
Thanks for the feedback and love. Sorry for the tears!
I don't want it to sound like I love her less because I didn't birth her-nothing could be farther from the truth. I just wish that our family's creation was less complicated.
Baby... you do it with HEART... and I think there are people... who do things... without that heart.
There's a Martha Stewart like... scary woman in my ward... her kids never smile (she likes to sneer). They say she runs her home like a military zone...but she makes custom halloween costumes and even crazy perfect crafts and such... but I don't think the kids are full of joy. Truthfully...her kids have that demon-possessed look...it scares me.
Just wanted to say... I'm with you - screw the measuring...let's have a lot more fun. If the kid remembers seams... they are OCD. heheheh
We love you.
you look like a quilting ninja compared to me so don't feel bad on that end. dalene is exactly right, the best projects are the ones you put yourself into and you surely did that. i love the quilt!
jooj is so lucky to have you for a mama. motherhood comes in all forms and is so much more complicated than i had ever imagined. i almost feel like when you get your girl parts at puberty someone should hand you a reference manual as to how "not as planned" and "overly complicated" things can get so that you know it's okay when your plans go to crap.
Jen,
I haven't met jooj but she is the luckiest little girl I know. What better than to have the funnest, cookyest, try anything Mom???
I wish I was more like that.
PS ALL my boys look just like their Dad, I'm not even sure that I was involved in the genetic process:) I am so glad that I have found you. What a blessing.
Love April
Well, you don't know me, but I do feel the same sentiments are you are. I have two little things who were adopted and sometimes I yearn to see more of me in them.
I think it's nature- people love to see themselves reflected in others, especially little things you love so much. Also, the after birth birthparent issues can get way out of hand. And I think, "most people don't have to deal with this."
I just make myself feel better by thanking the heavens the kids don't have freckles and moles all over, and not to mention my non-dominant chin that I hate.
--wendy from blue lily
You are one of my heroes.
I read this yesterday and cried. I didn't leave a comment because I didn't know what to say. Really, I still don't. Just know that I believe some of the strongest families are ones whose creations were "complicated"...that's just based on my own childhood(which I will spare you the details of, just trust me on that one)as well as my experience with Victoria.
You multiply your love and strength, courage and kindness each day in your home. You replenish joy, humor, peace and security. No doubt, everytime you look at your daughter, you can think: "I made that." Sending you love and a hug!
And a fine Mother you are!
Maybe you won't see your "Grandfather in her cheeks" but you will reflect on the lovliness she is and will become that is 100% yours!!!
(and I can't quilt)
Dude. I'm only posting this here because it's in the comments and I know my kids aren't going to read it, and no one is ever going to peep this to them or i'll curse them for the eternities. That being said:
Hey, at least your kids don't resemble 50% of a total bung-hole and ALSO get to be semi-raised (if that's what you call this arrangement in this day and age) by that same said bung-hole (i have made extreme efforts of censorship here for all my lovelies reading this with sensitive ears).
that being said, i would TOTALLY have preferred to pick them from the sky and have them be mine 100% and not look a thing like me and be the person that they're going to be by having me as the most amazing mom in the world.
(and you are one of the coolest people that i know because i totally covet your extreme wit and charm in all situations. you know that is totally learned behavior right??)
anyway, nuf said ... i'm actually in a happy place, but this and my beautiful daughter's birthday today and the fact that it's 5:45am and i haven't slept all reminded me that yeah, i still have to deal with a bung-hole even when i'm happy with myself finally.
yeah for the lack of a bung-hole in your life and bonus yeahs for cute daughter and fabulous spouse.
love your guts.
peace out.
Halleluya!!!
My older 2 have his mannerisms and voice. I cant escape :)
Tiffany and April, thanks for that perspective. I love it!
And she really does look like W. And she really does act like me. So I should just cram it.
No need to cram it, we all just recieve our trials differently:)
No need to cram it, we all just recieve our trials differently:)
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