So, the e-brake on my car needs to be fixed before it will pass the safety requirements for Texas, and I can't afford to go to California AND get it fixed at the same time, so I decided to put it off until the fifteenth when I can budget it in. (Because we have one hill here. So I am not concerned.) But because my sticker has expired (in Texas the safety sticker is separate from the registration) I can't drive on post, so I had to call a friend to take me to the medical clinic to pick up the happy pills.
(I don't remember the depth I have gone into on this blog about the crazy (I know I could go through the archives, but we have discussed the laziness already) but I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder, and I have had them since I was in Jr. High, and will most likely have them until either menopause or death. The anxiety is not a big deal any more, but the depression is cyclical, like a bell-curve. At the bottom I am fine, and then it builds, builds, builds, until I can not really function, on that curvey, belley part and, then after a while, it goes back down the slope. Repeat. So I GOTS to have me the happy pills to function, or the time between curvey, belley episodes is super quick.)
So she dropped me off in front of the clinic so I could run into the pharmacy and grab the good stuff. When I went to take a number, I grabbed 964. And I glanced down and saw that someone had discarded ticket 948. I looked at the sign, and they were on number 947. I looked around furtively and put it in my pocket. My heart was beating like crazy--I felt so dishonest! And then they called 948. I waited a beat or two to see if anyone stood up, and then I headed to the counter!
Now, I know that you are all thinking that this is patently lame of me. But you have to understand that I HAVE NEVER tried to get over or rocked the boat or anything in my whole life. I don't take cuts, I don't keep money I find in the street, I turn in EVERYTHING to the lost and found. (There is a school bus stop outside of my house, and a kid left a new copy of The Sims on my driveway. And I LOVE computer games. It was the summer, so I brought it inside so it dodn't get damaged, and I left a note telling them I had it. I left that note for seven days. And I still feel guilty every time I see that stupid game.) So in my mind, I was quasi-stealing. Just writing about this is making my heart beat faster.
And I seriously don't know how people live on the edge like this every day. I think I would have a stroke.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Thankful For a Puritanical Sense of Guilt
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6 comments:
Tee hee.
I appreciate your candidness (candidity?) about The Crazy, and I hope the time between curvey belley episodes gets longer and longer and longer.
Also, I'd have done the EXACT same thing with the numbers. You were stickin' it to the man, man.
I have that exact same stupid guilt... I can't do anything wrong or furtive because I know the universe will drop an Acme Anvil on my head...imagine a giant computer with one big finger hovering over "destroy" ... and yeah... does this mean I have anxiety disorder too? It would explain A LOT! ;-)
Once I was leaving the grocery store and I saw something in my cart they hadn't charged me for. I was in a huge hurry and it was something I needed for dinner so I went home and then the next day I went back to pay for it. They looked at me like I was from Mars. I'll go to the service desk if I see they undercharged me or gave me back too much change, too (although to be honest most of the time they overcharge me--I go back for that, too).
k dalene, last week at macey's i walked out the door with 2.00 bottle of creamer (for my hot chokky) that somehow didn't make it onto the conveyer belt. the nub was screaming in phase 3 of a meltdown and i just loaded everything in my car thinking i'd pay for it next time around. i've been there twice since and keep forgetting to pay for it and i hate myself a little every time.
i know about the guilt
word verif: BONACT
yeeeaaaah boooyeeee
The word verifications have gotten really awesome, lately.
Just this week I have turned in a ten dollar bill, a lost gift card, and been given too much change. One time I wasn't charged for a movie and had to spend ten minutes talk to three people before they understood I wanted to PAY for it. I think it would have been easier for them if I just kept it!
Queen, I have that same anvil.
I am also a little compulsive about that kind of stuff. More than once I have gotten by two hyperventilating children to the car and unloaded the groceries into the back to see something dumb, like a bottle of tylenol that hid behind the diaper bag. I end up hauling the whole kit and caboodle back inside (cursing myself of course, because I know I couldn't handle the guilt and I would be too embarrassed to go back the next day.) Then it makes me extra mad when I once used cash in the self checkout line at walmart and walked away from my change ($80!!! I never use cash, hence the forgetting) and someone has stole it moments later. Jerk!
This was really long. Wow.
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