This has been a rough week. Lots of hard news, lots of scary happenings, lots of people I love in dire straits. (Jooj and W and I are all fine, though, so don't worry about that!)
I know that everyone else seems to go straight to the scriptures and to fasting and praying when times are tough and overwhelming. For me, though, it feels like if I start feeling anything spiritual right now I will not be able to close the dam. (Damn.) And I can't go there right now, because I have a kid to take care of, a kid who, herself, is teetering on the edge of a meltdown because she misses her father, and anytime I cry she worries herself sick. (Sorry, W. I know you didn't want to hear that.)
What do you do when you reach that point? When you are so filled to the brim with worry and sadness that even a bit of hope or goodness will tip you over into messy, sloppy, anguish? Knit? Watch Gavin And Stacy? I am running out of options.
PS Guess how long a carved pumpkin will last in EP? Three days. Then it melts into itself and ruins your new table runner. And the mold covers every single inch. And it smells. Stupid EP.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I Declared the EP a Bummer-Free Zone in September...
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I sometimes enjoy messy, sloppy anguish (brutally therapeutic, or whatever), but you are the best judge of what you can handle right now.
So . . . I have no useful suggestions. Just stopping by to tell you that I admire your honesty, and I'm sorry that there is crap.
First, I think about throwing a few back, just for old times sake. Then I remember how far I've come in the last six years & think about tragic Oprah episodes about Mom's over the edge.
Then, I pray, allow myself a really good ugly cry & immerse myself in some ANTM or the like & a pint of ice cream. Good old tube therapy while my children sleep peacefully.
I'm having one of those weeks myself, and the only thing I could do tonight was have a messy, sloppy, hard cry (or two or three) and then watch "The Importance of Being Earnest." Sometimes Oscar Wilde is the only thing that works.
I think I even missed dinner.
So. I wish I could offer you something, anything, that would help, but I'm pulling up blanks myself. Just know I empathize.
Does it help that my word verification is "butskers?" It totally is.
I agree, a cry over TV/a movie while Jooj is sleeping, is the place to go. It's weird, but the longer we bottle it up, the more likely it is going to come out when we don't want it to.
That and some wicked good chocolate of your choice, but then a houseful of healthy snacks for the next day.
I wish I knew of a different way, but it's the only one I know.
We'll be praying for you this week.
I usually get in a fight with family in those circumstances....or just in general.
It sounds like you need a change of scenery. Come visit us for a month. You'll love it.
I can provide you with a multitude of suggestions on how to get AROUND it (most of which are highly unhealthy - either physically or psychologically, or both), and as far as I'm concerned avoidance is HIGHLY underrated as a coping mechanism (some things just require more space before you can actually deal with them) .... so I suggest you do anything you can to distract yourself for however long you need to.
But whenever I get to the end of the usefulness of avoidance (and it certainly sounds like you're in that neck of the woods), when I'm just stuffed to the gills with feelings I don't have an outlet for - and my usual distractions just aren't dulling the edge enough ... I write.
It's lame, and it's great, and it helps, and it hurts. And it can be ANYTHING I want, and I don't ever have to show it to another living soul (in fact I used to write, and then destroy it) - but it purges things for me ... it's really the only things that does.
So my one and only suggestion is to get a notebook (or open a doc on your computer) and just have at it!
And it doesn't even matter what you say or how you say it. You can fill it with pages worth of "This sucks!" if that's what'll make you feel better. I mean, you can make it into some sort of Oprah-esque journey of self-discovery experience if you want to, but no one can make you. And this ain't the journal for posterity "how's my penmanship?" thing either.
It's just a place where you can express any scary, heavy, wonky head-noise that's bothering you, and purge every single thing you're worried about, and write any seething invective you need to (even if it makes you look like a serial killer in training), and then, after you read it a few times - just until you notice the actual feeling has left you - you either chuck it in the blender or hit delete.
Anyway, that's all I got in my bag o' tricks. But I'm pullin' for ya!
when I get to that point I usually start a fight with someone, then start crying, then bawl for an entire day, then feel guilty, then slowly start to feel better.
I don't know if that'll work for you... but it seems to help me
I'm thinking about you. Come hang out with me and the nub.
My invite for Thanksgiving still stands.
(I made you and entire batch of soap, by the way.)
Big hugs don't translate very well through cyberspace, but I'd also recommend a primal scream. Chocolate (the hard stuff). A bubble bath. Hanging in there...
It's been a bit of a crappy week here too but the only good thing that I've been able to find is that its nice to actually be doing some of the succoring this time instead of leaching from the rest of the RS. I was reminded yesterday in church that this is the life I want to be living even if it means hurting with my neighbors sometimes.
Last year we picked our pumpkins at the Remlinger Farms patch and they rotted within days. DH put them in the back of my Denali where they continued to rot and leaked into the carpet, causing the stench to make me dry heave randomly. It took some serious elbow grease to get the bacteria out and the smell gone.
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