I can never remember what the staged of grief are--I think the first one is supposed to be denial, but I just jump to rage. Rage and hatred and rage. And anger. Raging anger.
Is it possible to grieve for something that I never had? Because I grieve all of the time for the kids that are supposed to be here but are not. I grieve for the brothers and sisters Jooj is supposed to grow up with, but are absent.
I am so angry at everything and everyone--it just seems like I am being punished for something that is not my fault--that I have no control over.
Normally I am easy going, sometimes maudlin, but generally okay with the useless womb. I think that the whole "W leaving in January for 15 months" is one of the things upsetting the oxcart--it is a gigantic window during which there will not be any hope. What is the likelihood that pregnancy will occur in two months, when ten years has not produced anything? Pretty slim, I'd estimate. And then another fifteen months of useless cycles and useless everything to add to the whole useless me.
Tio Tio had a saying that I have bastardized for times like this: I hate everyone and everyone hates me. That sums up my feelings tonight.
I guess I'll go eat worms.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Less of a woman
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20 comments:
It's so frustrating to want something that everyone else seems to come by so easily, and have the hardest time in the world with it. I feel that way about relationships. I went to buy ice cream the other day and I swear I was the ONLY single person in the store. I almost started crying on my way back to my car. Me and my chocolate chip cookie dough...
The chances of you getting pregnant in the next two months are no more slim than the chances of you getting pregnant in the next 15 months if W were here. It will happen when it's supposed to happen, and I truly believe that things happen when things are all in place. It's more likely that God has some other challenge or experience for you to prepare you for having a child of your own.
And, even though you may hate me for saying this, I don't think that it makes you less of a woman for not having a biological child of your own. I think it's more likely that it makes you a better mother, to be able to offer so much love to a child that ISN'T biologically yours.
Another friend of mine is dealing with this exact same issue. If I recall correctly, and you may want to look into this, her husband is donating sperm now which they will use as artificial insemination while he is away. Probably not as fun the "real way," but maybe it will help you feel better to have that opportunity while he is away.
Best, -K (aka Wordy Boy)
Here's what you do:
1. Stop going to WalMart or any other store that ends in -Mart. All the teenagers with kids will get you down.
2. Anytime there's a talk about "how wonderful my children are" snort loudly in the back of the chapel and take jooj out into the hall because we all no those kids cause their primary teacher to weep every saturday night with the thought of teaching them.
3. Whenever anybody asks, tell them to mind their own damn business (it's quick, slightly vulgar, and straight to the point)
4. Go on vacation. We've got a spare room and I might even let Carolyn turn on the heater if you're here visiting (honestly 52 does not justify the heater).
5. Know that whatever else happens you're not alone in this.
No advice here, but I will tell you I believe grieving for something you never had is indeed possible and it is absolutely the worst kind of grieving.
I wish I could tell you convincingly (for it is really true, but it's always the convincing part that is hardest) that you are not any less of anything. But it would seem shallow coming from someone like me who is prone to dwell on her own not-enoughness.
Hugs
I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful, but I have to say that I totally agree with Kevin that everything happens the way it should (though 99% of the time it isn't on the schedule you wanted), and that in end .. you WILL have all the babies you know to be absent right now, however they come to you.
The Jooj is still really young, and even with W going away for 15 months, she will still be young enough to feel close to her first sibling when you bring them into the fold after W gets back.
And speaking as a woman who has "wasted" her eggs every month since she was 12 because she decided, and so far stands by the decision, not to become a single mother by choice (fine for others, but not for me), I am certain that those of us who are not currently pregnant and lacking the imminent prospect thereof (for whatever reason), could never be lesser women - we live in hope of things we long for, which can sometimes be a very spiritual location (when it isn't sucking BIG TIME, lol).
BTW, you are not useless (pregnant or not pregnant), and should not eat worms (I don't think they taste very good, and they won't help you get pregnant, especially if W sees you eating them) - though I'm totally with you on the hating everyone thing :)
I am SO glad that I'm not the only one who feels angry. I have days where I just feel pissed and useless and that just pisses me off more. It's a vicious cycle. It doesn't help that I'm a member of quite possibly the most fertile family on the earth and every family get together is like a lesson in the miracle of conception (and I don't mean that in a gross way, more in the "there are at least 3 pregnant people at any given time" way). Anger is a healthy emotion I've decided. And hey, if it helps me deal then that's okay.
I don't hate you, I love you. NOW you can eat some worms (because sometimes that's what we think will ease the anger/hurt).
[hug]
I have a list of questions to ask when I get to the other side, and this one is top on my list. I will never understand this trial that is put upon undeserving woman.
Go give Jooj a huge hug, know you are loved, and for heaven's sake saute the worm before you eat it.
YOU ARE WOMAN! HEAR YOU ROAR!
Thanks, labies and Kevin and Stew. I know it is just a big cranky rant, and I know that my babies will come in their own time. Last night was just a really really hard night. We got news that yet another person was beyond fertile, but giving the baby away to someone that wasn't me. And I don't even WANT that baby--just felt like a slap in the face. Plus Jooj has been keeping me up at night, so add exhaustion to the pity party and voila!
I want to say, for the record, that no one could love a kid more than I love The Jooj. If she came out of me, if she came out of W, makes no difference--she is my real kid. And lately I am thankful that she is the only one, what with the demon she is becoming. And I don't even want to give birth, not really--it just would make it easier. It would just make me feel like I had some SAY in the matter, some semblance of control.
I will post a happy entry to make up for this crappy one...
I don't know what happened to my comment, but here it was:
Maybe you should try sesame oil with those worms, or look into Penzey's Fried Worm Herb Spice Rub.
Maybe I'm totally OK with you being angry and upset because I feel like getting that way helps me clear the fog and work through the emotions. Sometimes in the middle of the trial, it doesn't feel that great, or that holy, it just feels awful and hopeless. So if you need me to, I will eat a worm in solidarity.
and last time I got word of a teenage pregnancy I threw a shoe at the wall. And then I stomped up to my room and cried.
I felt better, after I threw the shoe that is, and I swore, that felt better too.
...or Penzey's Apple Pie Spice. Cuz now you've got me eating that on practically everything.
Yeah, I know, I'm being a comment hawg. But Miss October is totally hawt dontcha know.
She is pretty smoking. That is what my bosoms look like, in case you were wondering. All pointy. And Jackolanterey.
And I TOLD you it was the best spice ever.
And Kalli, I think that we should start telling our young women to get pregnant in high school, because it seems that is when they are the most fertile. Then they can give the babies to us, and then the next generation can give their babies to them, and so forth. A Womby Pay-it Forward, if you will. (This is probably why I am not in the YW presidency any longer.)
you. have stumbled onto some genius here.
genius I tell you
it's like a better version of "pay it forward"
Your father-in-law said worms aren't too bad when bar-b-qued with butter! seriously, good for you! Expressing the anger you feel is more healthy than not, because unexpressed it eats away at you, and makes you sick. I think the rest of what I've got to say should be said in person, over the phone. so I will attempt a call.
I love you, and admire the strength you don't even know you have! Love, your mother-in-law!
Sometimes I scream a the universe to SUCK IT. Then I run for cover before the bolts of lightening.
ps. I admire you.
Hey yo. I have nothing inspiring to say right now because I'm basically one angry bad-ass woman as of late. :) Fed up with crapola and deciding I don't care much anymore about being happy all the time or not. (Secretly I'm lik this weird combo of completely elated and completely depressed at the same time.)
I'm starting a private blog (by popular demand) so send me your email address so i can "invite you" and you can come and listen to me rant about adultery, useless ex-husbands, and trying to raise 3 kids by myself for the next 18 years. There may be SOME enthusiastic and happy parts in all this (but you can choose to just read the mad, angry ones if you want:))
My label for this blog would be: If your husband chooses another woman over you and tries to usurp your children to have a "family" with her, are you really a woman?
Love your guts for being angry.
tfeltenberger at hotmail.com
Cheerio!
I have to say that I love you for being angry, too. Well, maybe I should say that I love you for being real and open about your anger. And I say that while simultaneously feeling quite a heap of personally-gained compassion and empathy for your burden. But I love the way you just air the rage, with no pretense and no apologies. It's so honest. I have this chronic tendency to put my best foot forward in the blogosphere and I kind of nauseate myself sometimes. I guess I just admire your transperancy. Savor Jooj, she's a melter. Hope sweeter days are headed your way.
Lay it forward.
Trust me, worms are lightweight for this kind of feeling. What you need is a banana slug. Or any other flavor, as long as it's a big one.
I know whereof I speak.
Your sister in rage,
Angry in Oregon
It is good to see anger sometimes. We hide it too much, and our insides get boiled.
p.s. Jooj is so beautiful. And so rad.
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