NOTE TO PARENTS: I KNOW THAT YOU SOMETIMES READ THIS. PLEASE STOP NOW AND GO BACK TO BEING OLD AND DOING CROSSWORD PUZZLES AND WATCHING "WALKER,TEXAS RANGER" SO THAT I CAN PRETEND THAT YOU AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS POST IS CONCERNING. THANK YOU.
Here are some fun facts for you:
The odds of a fertile woman conceiving a baby are about one in five every month
Nine out of ten couples can conceive after twelve months of trying.
Each woman has two fallopian tubes.
Each month, during a normal reproductive cycle, the ovaries send ONE egg into ONE of the fallopian tubes, where it sits and hopes to get fertilized.
There are about six days out of a month that a woman can consider herself fertile
On average, sperm only lives about two days, while the egg lives for less than 24 hours.
In order for an egg to get fertilized, there needs to be some sweet, sweet loving. Or a turkey baster.
And that, dear friends, is the problem in conceiving.
I am 30 years old. I have a toddler who spends her days yelling "no!" and bringing shovels full of sand into the living room while telling herself "uh oh!" Her father, bless his heart, barely lives with us because his girlfriend, Army, has decided that he should be gone all of the stinking time. Especially when my 24 hour window is open. Assuming that my ONE tube got the lucky egg that month. And even if he is home, seriously--we have been married 10 years, and 30 Rock is on, and I haven't gone to the bathroom or Walmart or the driveway by myself for 23 months. Like anyone is going to get fertilized that night.
So please stop asking me when Jooj is going to get a new brother or sister.
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15 comments:
Amen. That's all.
See it's Law and Order that poses more of a problem for our conception prospects than 30 Rock. Still I certainly can appreciate everything you said except for the toddler part...unless two cats=one toddler?
And while I'm hypothesizing about this what do you think of the following equations?
One dog+two cats=twins?
Two dogs=One Teenager?
One Llama=Sweet?
Is it OK for me to say here I want to smack people who ask things like that of anyone right over the head with a turkey baster? (Even--maybe even especially--when they are people one knows and loves.)
As long as we are clear that only the actual parents and 1 spouse.....is old. Then maybe, I won't read on. Yeah, right!
You can send GG to me (the youngest of the grandma's).....and that should free you up to do your thang!
Just trying to help.
I'll note that I've never asked when Segundo will arrive. This is probably because I understand why 30 Rock is important.
Army is loca!
Do people really ASK that? Just smile at them and say "NEVER". It will make them feel uncomfortable.
How great was 30 Rock last week? :-)
The pamphlet was GREAT, I am still trying to get back to you on it. But so far, LOVE IT. Derek is out of town for 4 more days, I am trying to keep it together.
Well duh, it is everyone else's business. All parenting should revolve around friends and family.
Amry can be such a cruel mistress. My oldest brother was 18 months old before he ever saw his pappy.
I just tell people one of us at some sort of cancer that rendered us sterile. Penile cancer is the best because people are both disgusted and ashamed they asked. It's a win win.
Ignorant questions deserve ignorant answers. I like the penile cancer one, or just tell them that you are now a lesbian, and you are just staying with your husband because of the good health insurance.
There's a reason to roll your eyes in public all the time... people who love to be in your bizness.
And now that song is stuck in my head for the rest of the day. At least the kids songs from little einstein took an exit.
Dastew and sue-donym - totally made me laugh outloud.
Yes with Queen. I had an interesting day at work today trying really hard to make sure I was only singing "Let's talk about SEX, Bay-Bee" in my head and not out loud.
Sorry. This is not related to your post, but I wanted to say how funny your story was that I read in Compulsive Writer's contest. Loved it! (Although I admit I actually googled a couple of the texts because I am not up on my texting lingo). My favorites -- your ending line "frozen, in eternal spite" and the caption. Had me laughing!
What business is it of anyone's if when and how you're having children? For crying out loud.
Geez, Tia!! Why don't you just get a turkey baster??????!!!! ;)
P.S. I like the lesbo/cancer anecdotes... made me snort. teehee
You won! You won!
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