When I first left high school I was tremendously excited to start fresh--to become the person that I felt I was unable to be in my hometown, surrounded by my home friends. I felt as if all of my opinions, actions, thoughts, and options were simply echoes of a party line that someone in our group had decreed; I was anxious to break free.
I think that many people go away to college for the same reasons--it is too hard to keep our true selves a secret in our own backyards.
(Not that my true self was so shocking or needed so much tweaking. I was less like a caterpillar readying for the big butterfly transformation, more like a caterpillar changing into a more confident caterpillar.)
My biggest secret? I didn't want to get married, and I didn't want to have children. So scandalous, I know, but for my community, my friends, my family, it was something that would have caused some major discussion and argument that I was unwilling to debate.
So imagine my complete dismay when I went on a "date" with this Afroed boy who did not pay for me, and then proceeded to be a great kisser, and then took me on a scenic drive where I heard a voice (you know the one) say "This is the man you are going to marry."
It was quite a night.
My first thought was "There is NO way I am getting married at 18. I will never be able to live that down. Plus, there is no way that THIS guy is ready to get married. And that Afro has got to go."
When I went home to my windowless dorm room that night, I thought about how in just a few hours I no longer had a plan I was content with. Let's face it, I didn't even have a boyfriend**
**Technically I DID have a boyfriend, but he was at a different school and I hadn't talked to hm in a few days. Give me a break, I was 18. He had a bet going as to how long it would take me to find a different boyfriend. I beat the odds. It took me almost a month.
because W was a notorious girl-kisser. He probably kissed you or your roommate. I had a big wrench in my plan, and it didn't really bother me.
It was as if my life had just opened up in front of me and I just knew that everything would become as it should. I had complete faith that there was a divine hand in my life, and that I would not be led astray.
What happened to that complete faith in a master plan? When did I get so antsy about knowing the future? Why are the wrenches so disturbing now? Is it just me? Is it no longer being 18?
Discuss.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Our first date was to a movie where Joe Pesci was a loveable hobo. I think.
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5 comments:
Since this is the conversation we had yesterday on the phone, I was thinking about it, too. My big thing was that I would NEVER get engaged to anyone after only dating them for one month. *cough chough* I was even writing to a missionary at the time... But things work out as they should. As much as we act like tools at that age, for some reason, the faith I had at that age was AMAZING. I look back and my brain says, "You were stupidstupidstupid." But overriding is the blessing which said, "Heavenly Father wants you to know that He is pleased with your choice to marry this man." Granted, I had to make the choice first, but I did what I was inspired to do. Period.
And that leads me to realize that my own will be Nineteen-going-on-twenty in too few years...what will be my reaction to her if she gets on the same train? Because my plans for her involve a mission and backpacking through Europe, and and and.
ps - I've never kissed your husband.
Interesting topic. I love hearing a little about both your story and j~'s.
My plan was always go to BYU and major in English. Trouble was I never gave much thought to what to do after that.
Dated my husband for nearly three years then in a week's time and well past the magic age of 21 decided to go on a mission, filled out my paper work, saw all my doctors and turned in my papers. As I am one who needs to be hit over the head by inspiration I rarely know till after if I did the right thing. I'd been in the MTC about three weeks when he realized he wanted to marry me. But he never actually asked me and I felt I had already committed myself so I completed my mission.
We were married four months after I returned.
As for now. I think it's better not to know what the future holds. I look at wedding photos and think to myself, "You have no idea what's coming, do you?" I look at what people older than me have been through--even the lucky ones--and I still believe it's better not to know.
I was never going to get married before the age of 25 and I was definitely going on a mission--no question about that!
Yeah so,
I never made out with W either, but half my friends did.
I'm probably old enough to be W's mother.
My parents got married when my mom was 17 and my dad was 21. It was the family scandal, until it was replaced by the divorce 7 years later.
The consensus of the grandparents was that "they just got married too young". This came mostly from my two grandmothers who had gotten married at ages 24 and 32 respectively.
With that in mind, I swore to myself I would never get married too young.
When I was a kid I thought - I'll never get married until after I'm 22.
When I was a teenager that creeped up to 25.
By the time I was about 20 or 21, it migrated to 30. That's a grown-up age, right? I'll know what I'm doing by then.
At 26 I got "accidentally engaged" - we won't go into that.
And at 27 I swore off the whole idea of ever getting married.
At 30, I lightened up about it, and stopped speaking ill of the institution.
And at 31, I'm indifferent. If it happens, it happens. If not? More sleeping diagonally for me :)
You can make all the plans you want, but life is going to go the way it needs to - at least that's what I tell myself when my plans go awry ;)
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