And now, for something completely different.

W and I have been having a raging war over the following issue:
Which is the MOST ROCKINGEST SONG EVER?

There are qualifications to making the list--you can't just say Enter Sandman, you have to put thought into it. Your gut may say Enter Sandman, but your gut is not thinking clearly since you ate two bowls of hummus.

1. It has to be a rocking song. No starting with sweetness and then crescendo-ing into rock. Rocking from beginning to end. You should not be fooled into half-slow dancing by this song. No ballads, no tear jerkers, No Nuge stopping bullets in their tracks by the pure power of rocking. This eliminates Stairway, Can you Take me High Enough, Dead or Alive, and One.

2. It has to fill an arena with rocking. You may say "But my brother's band, Raging Vomit Pigeons, plays a killer version of What's New, Pussycat?" but until at least 900 people are willing to pay at least $25 to see them, they don't count. This eliminates any Fugazi, Vandals, and Ashlee Simpson, although it does not take the Pixies out of the running.

3. It must be Rock. I know that some of you nancies out there are saying "Whatever, Big n' Rich totally ROCK. And what about when Garth Brooks ROCKED?" Doesn't count. Absolutely no mob in history has rocked, en masse, to a country song, except for that brief fiddle jam during Devil Went Down to Georgia. But one brief jam does not for THE GREATEST ROCKING SONG EVER make. Which brings us to

4. There must be at least one sweet lick. It can be at the beginning, end, middle, or all the way through, but you must have to fight the urge to air-guitar with your entire being when you hear this song. You must be able to look around you and see 900 freaks air guitarring all around you, and you must bow to the sweet lick. This eliminates the Pixies. Sorry. It also eliminates the Ramones, all punk bands, The GoGos, Prince, and Michael Jackson.

5. It must not be queer. I am speaking from a purely middle-America, 1980s vibe, here. No offense, but there is no rocking to Raffi, Yanni, Depeche Mode, Jon Tesh, Howard Jones, or people who wear fingerless gloves. Note: it is not queer to have worn a lot of eye makeup or spandex at one time, but it is to have worn butt-less chaps--unless you are David Lee Roth and are actively with Van Halen. (David Lee Roth alone with butless chaps=queer.) Kilts are ok, dancing and slapping yourself is not. Sending your nipple to a jilted lover is also not ok. Singing to your bass man about being a master and/or servant is not rocking for the purposes of this debate. Cher is also out, for many of the above reasons, including the butless chaps.

6. The MOST ROCKING SONG EVER must not be easily associated with a tv show, automobile, or Moby. Won't get Fooled Again rocks, but now reminds me of that pasty red head guy from CSI, so the rocking quotient has dropped. Even though The Ramones are out because of their lack in the sweet licks department, I can't hear Sedated, which mildly rocks, anymore because of that girl on Idol tryouts. There are occasions when associations to other media might help the rock quotient, though--If your nominee has a Harley commercial, or some other clearly rocking thing attached, that might help a bit. I will be flexible with this one.

So, that being said, here are my nominees for THE MOST ROCKINGIST SONG EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER

1. Back in Black by ACDC. If your band has a lightening bolt, you get more rocking points.
2. Rock N' Roll by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Sweet lick.
3. Livin' on a Prayer by BonJovi. Can you feel the rocking?

I pass the mike to you--but be prepared to defend your rocking.