In Which You Can See My Inner Workings.

I can't do anything anymore. Seriously. All I do is sit/sleep/boot. In the morning I wake up and think that I am going to accomplish something. Maybe one load of laundry! Possibly I will vaccuum! And then I start. And then I am finished before the chore is. I have tried to do crafty things while I am sitting, and I just get dizzy. I haven't sewed in fifteen weeks. I haven't done anything in fifteen weeks. I estimate that I have cooked five meals since November. Including Christmas Eve. For the first time in our married lives, we are consistently out of clean clothing. I am hiring a cleaning lady with money I don't have, and I can't clean before she gets here. Do you feel my desperation?

I can't go on like this. I can't do this for another five months. People keep telling me it will pass, but I really don't believe them. I mean, my abs are getting nice and hard from the reverse crunches over the toilet, and I haven't gained a single pound, but those are not compelling enough reasons to LOVE this. And when these people tell me it will pass they also tell me "You are so blessed--LOVE every minute!" "Do you love every minute?" "LOVE IT!!" And then they touch my belly where there is NO baby, just fat. And I don't have the heart to tell them I hate it. I hate it and they are touching my hibernation pouch, not the fetus. The fetus is down where it is less polite to pat and rub. I know this because I saw the baby's spine the other day. It was amazing. And the LONG legs. I can't believe I am making those. But it explains all too well where my energy is going. I didn't see the bottle with the "XXX" label that I think it is pouring into my blood stream. And I didn't see a gender. Well, I think I saw a gender, but it might be the cord. They can't say for sure for another few weeks.

And when I saw the spine and the legs and the heart and the brain and the GIANT HEAD OF MY IN-LAWS I thought, for a tiny minute, "maybe this is all worth it!" And then I threw up and I changed my mind. And thought again of the GIANT HEAD OF MY IN-LAWS and wondered if I can schedule a pre-emptive C-Section. Because these people, the in-laws, have giant heads. Have you seen them?

In other news, coffee is not keeping things down. I am ready to move on to gin.