Straight Pimpin', Yo

Were we all born with conflicting aspirations? How do we figure out the right path for ourselves? How to choose, from two apparent goods, which is best for me and my family--it is oh, so difficult.* (Muy dificil in the Espanish.)

Since I can remember I have had aspirations of fame. I was born A Pleaser, and when I die, they will probably find my body doing some sort of unnecessary service for people that barely notice me.** I want to be loved, and liked, and loved AND liked. I want to be revered. I want my children to rise up and call me blessed. And I want the world to hear it.

Since I can remember, I have had major anxiety issues and am terrified of actually being the center of attention. Most are shocked to hear this, since I can fake a lot of it, and can cope when people look my way, but the sweating and exhaustion are overwhelming, at times. Example: I desperately want to teach a lesson that will have the congregation monumentally changed for the better. And then I want them to talk about how amazing I am. But not to me. Never to me. And then I want to go take a nap for two days because my body has shut down post-stress.

So which is the burning desire that I focus on overcoming? Do I work hard to make myself loved and honored, or do I work harder on becoming a successful agoraphobic (step one: better TV)?

This struggle has recently been playing out in the blog portion of my brain. I was approached to do an ad campaign for Chevy, similar to the big ones that have been going on in other states. It was a really cool opportunity, and would have been really fun. They approached me because there are, approximately, three bloggers in El Paso. And they had three slots to fill. Seriously. While I was excited about the possibility of some free fun things and getting to drive a rental for a month, I was also terrified. Frightened that I would have to work really hard. Scared that I would have responsibilities that would take me away from my house and home. Afraid of attention from strangers. As much as I was excited, I was dreading this campaign.

Today I got a notice that they are not going to go forward with it in El Paso. I don't blame them--if there are only three bloggers, there are only three people reading blogs--and that seems like a huge waste of marketing money.

I feel like I have gotten a reprieve.

But I also feel like I need to reevaluate my life and my stance over here at the Galanapalooza.

Do I want to be loved like my famous friends? Yes.
Do I want to be criticized like my famous friends? No.
Do I want to get free things? Hell Yes.
Do I want to give free things to you? Hell Yes.
Do I want to jump through hoops and sell my brand*** to get these opportunities? I don't know.

Here is where I am at this point:

I like getting things for free. I like helping people. I am good at giving presents. If someone wants me to give something away, I will be thrilled to do it. I am a member of Business 2 Blogger, and I apply for their programs when I get a second, but have never been chosen. I want to go to BlogHer because I want to hang out with the ladies and get swag. But I don't want to network and canoodle and harumph. I don't want someone leaving me comments on here telling me that I need to temper my beliefs because sponsors may not like my morals. And I absolutely don't want a schedule to have to keep. By gum, if anything is getting a schedule around here it is my bathing, not my blogging.

What do you think? Have you thought about similar things? Do you have social anxiety like me and want to start a support group where we never talk or meet or leave the house but interact only through texting? Because I could get in on that.



*I have been listening to The Pirates of Penzance. Sorry.
**BUT THEY WILL LOVE ME AFTER I AM GONE!!!
***note to self: develop a brand

Baal

On the First day, La Yen had the initial panic attack. She thought she was going crazy. It was not good.

On the Second day, La Yen finally got some Xanax, which completely knocked her out during attacks. It was decent.

On the Third day, Jooj was born. It was great.

On the Fourth day, the panic attacks turned into full-blown convulsions. Almost seizures, but without the blackouts. And lo, no Xanax could be taken, because of the need to take care of the baby and not be in a drugged-out stupor. It was sucky.

On the Fifth day, La Yen was given Klonopin. And lo, the knock-out was less and the heavens rejoiced for the limited ability to feed and clothe The Jooj. But the groggy side-effects remained. And it was better.

On the Sixth day, in the morning, La Yen would stumble around, waiting for her eyes to quit unnecessarily dialating. And The Jooj began to worship at the altar of Dora, running around like a maniac while La Yen tried to remember what she was doing, and throw Apple-Jacks at the gaping maw of The Jooj. And it was decent.

And on the Seventh day there was a great rejoicing in the land, for the introduction of the Snickers. With Caffeine. And La Yen functioned the morning after. And it was good.