And Another Thing I Learned in the Hospital

What do you think about yourself, honestly, in your heart of hearts?
I think I am capable and strong and smart and totally able to do everything perfectly and incredibly lazy. I think I should be able to take care of everything and everyone and that when I fail it's because I didn't try hard enough--I didn't do my best.

Stupid My Best.

I know, logically, that this is a completely illogical train of thought. I know that perfection is impossible. I know that I can't be expected to know everything and be everything, and that no one expects me to know and be. Except I expect it. I hold myself to a much higher standard. And I beat myself up like a champ when I fail, which is ALL the time, because I am mortal.

So when Buster was born almost two months early due to severe preeclampsia on my part, I beat myself up because I failed at carrying him to term.

And when Buster wouldn't latch on, I beat myself up at nursing.

And when we found out he had a tongue tie, I beat myself up because I didn't notice it sooner.

And when we went to the doctor and found out he hadn't grown in two months--not even an ounce--and was diagnosed as Failure To Thrive, well, there were some serious beatings.

Here is what I would tell someone who had gone through this:

"Are you kidding me? Your body held him inside for the most important part of gestation! You almost died holding and growing him. HE is the one who broke you, not the other way around. You are an amazing mother!"

"Of course he couldn't latch--he had a tongue tie! And he was tiny! And your milk SAVED HIS LIFE. It doesn't matter how he gets it, only that he got it. You didn't sleep for longer than 90 minutes in a row for six months in order to feed this boy. You are an amazing mother!"

"You know who should have noticed his tongue tie? The nurses and doctors that cared for him for thirty days. You saw him for only a fraction of every day, and he never even opened his mouth for you. There is no reason that you should have noticed it. And there is nothing that would have changed about it, anyway, because he is too small to have it fixed. Quit it, you are an amazing mother."

I would tell a friend this, and I would mean it--so why can't I tell it to myself and mean it? Why do I think that I should have done better?

I think that part of this comes back to the issue of pride. I tell you, I have pride in spades. And every single time I fall, it is because of this same issue. As a kid, I thought pride was boastful, haughty, being enamored of possessions and accomplishments, but I have learned that my trial is of a much different shade. While I always seem to be able to give credit to God for my accomplishments, I tend to blame myself for my failings, and that is where the pride hurts my growth and my soul; when I hold myself to the same standard as my Savior (ie perfection) I am completely tossing aside the Atonement. When I punish myself for not being perfect, I am essentially saying that what the Lord achieved is totally attainable for me on this earth, by myself.


Let that blow your mindgrapes for a second.

Resolution: Remember that there is a huge difference between doing my best and doing it perfectly. And that My Best is not an absolute scale; some days the bar is higher than others. And that, in order to grow and progress in this life, I will have to use the Atonement instead of my own force of habit. Possibly tattoo this on my arm so as not to forget.