Two days old"Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd. "
--Elder James E. Faust
I went to my doctor's appointment last Monday, where they quickly determined that my blood pressure was really high. They transferred me to the University Hospital where they determined I had severe preeclampsia. They told W that I was either going to have a c-section immediately or have a stroke or heart attack in a bit. They prepped me, put me on magnesium sulfate, and wheeled me into emergency surgery. They pulled my son out almost seven weeks too soon. I saw his feet. Then they hit me with narcotics and wheeled me away. I stayed in bed on the magnesium sulfate for 24 hours. A day later I was able to be wheeled to the recovery wing. At midnight, a full day after his birth, I saw my son for the first time. He was tiny and covered in wires. Two days later I was discharged. He is still in the hospital.
Leaving him there is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My sweet W has ten days of paternity leave, and we have spent them driving back and forth, twice a day, to hold our little man for an hour or so. Sometimes we get to feed him or bathe him, depending on the time we arrive. The nurses are all very sweet and are taking good care of him. When I am not at the hospital I am attached to a milking machine. Super hot. It is all I can do for him, really, so I make sure that I am able to pump as often as I can.
I cry a lot. A lot. I can't imagine what I would be like without the medication. Everything is so hard--I am not functioning well. I have never been so grateful to be married to my sweet W. He has really taken care of me during this time. If Jooj marries someone half as amazing as her father, she will be incredibly lucky and loved. He has held me while I sob, while I question what I could have done differently, while I apologize for being horrible at gestating. He takes milk to the freezer at 2 AM, he brings me pain killers at all hours, and he gives me Priesthood Blessings whenever I ask. I have a new appreciation for the Priesthood and the Atonement of Jesus Christ; I can't imagine doing this without either. I keep repeating the quote in the header; the only thing that makes this bearable is the knowledge that I am becoming better acquainted with God. And sometimes that helps. (To be honest, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes nothing helps but a long nap and smelling the hat I take home from the NICU that has his scent on it.)
The house is really quiet; Jooj is in California with my folks. They happened to be visiting when I went to my routine appointment, and were totally on the ball when I was delivered. They packed her up, flew her back, and she has been spoiled and in total heaven ever since. It is possible she will refuse to come back home. We shall see. It was a tender mercy like no other that my take-charge stepmother was on hand to get things sorted out. She knew which questions to ask, which plans to make, and which things to get done. She is the person you want in a crisis, for sure.
The little man is doing better. He has been breathing on his own since day two. Today he is officially off of the photo therapy mat, and has no IV. He still has a feeding tube, but only because he falls asleep before he finishes his bottles. In order to bring him home he needs to reach at least four pounds and finish all of his food orally. So that is what we are praying for. Because I need him home. I need all of my chicks back in the nest. I can't breathe deeply, I can't think clearly, I need him home.
So if you have any extra prayers, can you send them our way?
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