Winter Opening Ceremonies: Jog Alert 2010!

Oh, Opening Ceremonies, I love you so much. So much that it hurts my pubic bone. Oh, wait, that is the fetus.

Speaking of the fetus, it makes me hate all of humanity. So I apologize in advance for the spectacular amount of misanthropy that is sure to follow.

Things I do not care about:
The Premiere of the new "We Are the World" video.

They put Michael Jackson in "We Are the World." But then they followed him with Barbra and Celine. Way to lose me, Quincy and Lionel.

But then they put Snoop in. AND LL COOL J. Oh Quincy, you do love me. But I am not buying the song. It kind of was not awesome. And it needed Cyndi Lauper.

Dudes, I really, really, really wish I were skiing. I have a feeling this is going to be a theme for the next two weeks.

That maple leaf out of glowsticky snowboarders is pretty awesome. And Johnny Lyle's snowboard entrance? AWESOME.

Aboriginal delegates. Hope that no one throws a Pepsi bottle at them--it will totally screw them up. I am an ugly American.

Mounties! They are so cute.

This girl singing is the cutest thing ever. And her dress is perfection. Miley Cirus should take notes. Realization: I have never heard "Oh Canada" past the first line.

Are those giant Mr. Peanuts made of ice? Also, I like that they call the Indians "First Nations." I think we should do that. It is just the perfect, ineffectual, silly policy change that Americans can totally get with. And then we can stop asking and telling, and there won't be a depression any longer!

Oh--Canadian Aborigines. Never mind that "The Gods Must Be Crazy" reference.

When I worked at the Fire Academy we had Navajo Taco Day every few months. That was awesome. I am an ugly American.

Do you think they will make the FN-ers jog the whole time?

No. They stopped.

And the athletes are welcomed! Hope Bermuda is wearing legwarmers!

No--jogging again!

Costas just pointed out how deficient the entire continent of South America is at Winter Sports. Expect a death threat from Venezuela, Costas!

Austria's uniforms are less track-jackety and more Sound of Music/Luftwaffe. Maybe not a great choice.

WHAT THE NONNY IS AZERBAIJAN WEARING ON THEIR LEGS?

Oh Belgium, you look like adorable penguins who enjoy eating waffles! Super!

YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES TO BERMUDA SHORTS!

First Nation Update: Still Jogging. Hope this doesn't summon the rain! I AM GOING TO HELL.

Estonia looks like they are wearing giant Hershey Kisses.

If Finland's coats and Azerbaijan's pants made sweet, sweet, love, the resulting baby would be a suit that would give me seizures.

France looks good. They always look good. Freaking France.

Georgia is breaking my heart. What a tragedy. I am glad that they are marching, though. And that they are getting a standing ovation because they are awesome.

Germany looks like my Swatch Watch from 1987.

Ghana has a skier. Pretty awesome. Especially because he has a leopard jacket.

Hey Great Britain--those backwards Roots berets are SO Salt Lake City 2002.

Costas: "It is surprising how much Iceland blows at the Winter Olympics, because they have so much ice." I paraphrase because I love.

India looks like they are going to the QuickEMart. Seriously. I am not even being a horrible person by saying this. They really do.

I am breaking this into two posts, because I bet your eyes hurt. You are welcome.