What if I NEVER get pregnant?
What if I get pregnant but then die?
What if I get really fat feet?
What if I want to smother Jooj RIGHT NOW and I am not even pregnant and then I get
pregnant and I want to smother her even more?
What if I get pregnant and then I go to deliver the baby but it turns out I wasn't ever pregnant, but it was a HYSTERICAL pregnancy? And then everyone thinks I am HYSTERICAL? But not hysterically funny.
What if I get pregnant and then it is twins and then I give one twin away because I can't handle twins and then they meet up at summer camp and try to get me together with another man?
What if the other man is W?
What if I get pregnant and then some crazy lady rips the fetus out of my womb and steals it and I have to travel to Iran to smuggle my baby back because the laws of Iran favor her because she is the daughter of a Sheik and I am just a Dirty American PigDog?
What if I get pregnant and it turns out I can only make ugly babies? You KNOW I won't love an ugly baby.
What if I get in trouble for making the ugly baby pick lentils out of the fireplace ashes?
What if I get pregnant and then W dies and then the house burns down and then Extreme Home Makeover Home Edition comes and makes over my home and it is just three giant great rooms and then I can't pay the property tax and I lose the house and have to sell plasma to support me and Jooj and the ugly lentil-picking baby?
What if I am in the throes of this pre-partum anxiety and I see Marie Osmond at the Chick Fil A and she shushes me and then I throw a fit becausue SHE SHOULD UNDERSTAND and then I get banned from all Chick Fil As forever and can NEVER have Polynesian sauce again?
What if the Polynesian Islands then experience an economic downturn that makes them bankrupt and have to sell themselves to the Chinese? What then? ARE YOU HAPPY MARIE OSMOND?
Maybe I should get my tubes tied, just in case.
Friday, June 05, 2009
PrePartum Depression and Anxiety
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14 comments:
Check your phone...and PLEASE tell me you get pictext.
BUT. . .what if you get pregnant and the Dr. writes you a prescription that says you must eat 5 peanut buster parfaits daily? What about that?
I'm with you. I won't love no uggos. :)
I don't think I'm witty enough to even be allowed to read what you write. But please don't ban me because I happen to really, really like reading this stuff.
Oh, WendySue, that would be my dream doctor. Can you refer me?
And B!!! I LOVE YOU!
What if you get pregnant and one of those things really happens, and then they make a Lifetime move of you? Nice.
I love you.
That's all.
Maybe you'll really ENJOY selling plasma.
You just never know.
What if you become pregnant with 9?
And then you become Nueve Mom. And then have your own reality show where you get a funky hairdo that stands straight up at the crown (party!) and bangs that hang down to your chin (emo) but you're nice to your husband? And Marie Osmond is your nanny because she already had 9 kids.
Marie Osmond is scary, with her Taipan trading billboards.
I've been meaning to ask you (and please forgive me if you already wrote about this)...what did you find to replace the void Passions left?
what if's are my lot in life ... i think they are supposed to scare us into liking our lives.
You should see what Donny & Marie are charging for their show in Vegas. Absurd.
i always knew that marie osmond was a biyotch. i just always knew.
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