Here are some of the most FAQ's I have received:
1. Are you going to get one from China?
No. Chinese adoption is very very expensive and we are worried enough as it is about the whole lead paint issue.
2. Why don't you just use a sperm donor?
Because it is not important for me to actually conceive. And my body is the problem, not his swimmers. Also, I don't live in a 1989-era movie with Kevin Bacon.
3. Are you going to tell her she is adopted?
Yes. We already talk about it a little. We actually use the Sesame Street definition--the best one I have heard thus far: "Adoption is when a baby needs a family to take care of them, and a family needs a baby to love. So they get together and make a family forever."
4. Do you keep in contact with the birth mother?
Yes. We are very open in this adoption. We are cutting back a little, just because she is pregnant again, but keeping the new baby, and we want her to be able to have this be her time, not our time. But we text and email and stuff all of the time. She is a sweet girl.
5. Did you bond with Jooj right away?
Instantly. I actually was extremely lucky with Jooj, because many mothers, natural or adoptive, don't bond right away. I knew that this kid was mine as soon as I heard she existed. Then, when I took her home, she peed on me and I was doubly-sure.
6. You should adopt twins.
Are you on crack?
7. I know a friend/cousin/co-worker that is pregnant. Do you want me to ask them what they are doing with their baby?
8. What do you think about birth mothers?
I think that they are brave girls/women who are doing their best to make a good consequence come from a difficult situation.
9. Are you ever going to have real children/children of your own?
Have you seen Jooj? Have you seen me? Have you seen W? I defy you to find a more "real" child for the two of us! But if you mean am I ever going to get pregnant? Dunno.
10. Are you worried that her birthmother will come and take her back?
No. Not even a little. In the first place, she has absolutely zero legal standing. In the second place, she loves Jooj far too much to do that. In the third place, I would call upon ninjas to assist me in defending her to the death. In the fourth place, I bet you wish you had ninjas ready at a moment's notice. Neener Neener Neener.
11. Do you get sad when people say that they are pregnant?
No. I don't want their babies. I want my babies. I do get bummed when people complain about how they just can't handle the ones that they have and then get pregnant again. I think that is kind of gift-horsey.
12. Are you going to adopt soon?
Probably not. We are readying our portfolios and things, but W is leaving in a bit for fifteen months, and I don't expect that a birth mother would choose a single mom when she is, herself, a single mom! Also, we are trying this new thing called "living within our means" (FYI: Sucks.) and the fees are pretty prohibitive.
13. Can I be your surrogate? I love being pregnant!
Good for you. You don't even know what you are asking. And NO. But thanks for your kindness! You are welcome to babysit Jooj any time. Or give me money.
14. I knew a kid who was adopted and killed his parents. Are you worried about that happening to you?
I knew a kid who asked me stupid questions. Are you worried about that happening to you? (Although Jooj does have two of the three signs of sociopathy--she beats on the dog and wets her bed. If she starts setting fires I will worry).
15. I think it would be neat to adopt. What do I need to do?
1. Save a gazillion dollars.
2. Start practicing your signature
3. Buy a fire extinguisher and make sure that you have a fence around your pool, and get rid of your trampoline (for the home study approval)
4. Contact an agency and make an appointment. We go through LDSFamilyServices.org (it's about...love.)
5. Talk to your spouse. They probably should know of your plans.
Any other questions?
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24 comments:
What about adopting you? I know some peeps who are very jealous of my having such a freakin' awesome "tia" and would love to adopt you.
Can you get one from Hurricane Katrina? I heard that's how Bek got hers.
How about when your teenager is over at his aunt's house and she pull him aside and says, "Don't tell your parents I said this, but....do you ever want to find your real mom?"
weird, you answered all 15 questions I had for you in my head!
People keep asking us, "so what's next?" like we know or something. My favorite answer is a shoulder shrug and a "dunno", though sometimes I wonder if HF has the same answer. I'm going to keep going with the whole "have faith and trust in the Lord" concept.
Maybe that will work out for us.
cross your fingers! But don't cross anything else...
Ames: I am open to adoption if they are wealthy and will give me a pony.
Az: Katrina babies are all taken. She got them from the black market.
b: I KNOW that this question is coming. And as irritating as it is for the mommies to hear it asked, it is kind of legitimate for the kid. Luckily, Jooj knows her "real" mom pretty well, but who knows with the next kid. hopefully we will have an open enough relationship that that next kid can come to me with any questions. I would hate for my kid to feel like he was "cheating" on me by wondering. And I would totally give that aunt a knuckle sandwich. Your kid knows who raised him and who birthed him, and what the difference is. And so should she.
Kali: We have always believed that the family is ordained in heaven. The trick for some of us "lucky" ones is that we have to find our kids, instead of just pushing them out. But you will find yours. Sometimes it just takes a freaking long time. To make yourself feel better while waiting, I suggest Disneyworld and some $200 shoes.
Kalli--also my current response to "when are you going to have kids of your own?" is "tragically, I was born without a vagina." Feel free to use it.
I just snorted when I laughed out loud. That's what I get for reading blogs when I'm supposed to be paying attention in a meeting. My Bad.
You are so wise la yen. Jooj is a lucky girl.
Ok- I've been a lurker for a while now, but that "vagina" line made me laugh out loud. I would love to see the looks you get after that one. Serves them right.
PS- My husband went to law school with Joe and we've been to their house, so I'm not a random crazy lady!
I fully expect this question to come from a buddy, sister, brother, girlfriend...whatever. But not from an adult who was in the temple with us when we were sealed as a real family and NOT the whole.."..don't tell your parents..." We have had the discussion with all three of our kids, which is why oldest came right home and told us what she said. He just didn't understand the secrecy of it. I haven't dealt with her yet, but he, husband, and I had a beautiful discussion from it. I guess I can be grateful for that.
The vagina thing...hysterical.
I hear La Yen.
This was great and the answers are all ones that I wish I had thought of. I didn't not, in fact, get my babies from the black market (but it might have been cheaper), but I was asked more than twice if I got my babies from Katrina. Funny.
I just realized that W is leaving for 15 MONTHS. WHAT. You are a wonderful woman. Talk to you soon,
15 months. Biteth.
Bek, are you back from the land of the tragically remodeled yet?
Kristib--welcome! Any friend of Amy's is a friend of mine. Sorry about my brother, though. :)
I heard that if you just relax you'll get pregnant. Just relax and have enough faith. Just.
It's not the questions that bug me so much because of my answers like that of the lack of vagina (husband's penile cancer is another good one as is the excuse that God just doesn't love me-that one usually goes to children) but the looks you get when people find out we've been married for SEVEN years and don't have kids yet. The looks are usually a combination of pity and wondering when we will realize that we are just not righteous enough and change.
I totally get that, my friend. I can't tell you the palpable feeling of relief we felt from some of the older folks in our ward--like "Phew, you are FINALLY going to heaven" when we brought Jooj home. We got Jooj a few months after our eight anniversary. So I feel you. Sometimes it is best to not be glib and to share your struggles--it will either shut them up out of uncomfortable-ness or they will become serious allies in your fight against stupidity.
But if you paid your tithing, I am sure that the baby would come.
I think most people are still afraid of the idea of me procreating so I'm not going to stress too much.
I loved this post (although I wanted to knuckle sandwich whoever asked question number 9(.
And I would totally be an on-call ninja for you.
9). I typed that one left-handed.
The closest thing I ever had to a ninja was a little plastic fellow...[probably painted with lead paint].
No vagina *snerk* hahaha.
Hardy har har. Loved your responses.
As an adopted kid, I was asked a lot of senseless, stupid questions. Now as an adult, I am surprised that the questions still continue. Mostly, the ridiculous questions come from people who don't know me really well but for some absurd reason feel permitted to ask such things.
Yep, it took me one day short of 17 years to get all my back tithing paid off and finally collect my fertility rebate, but ain't I glad I sacrificed now?
Speaking of glad, you don't know me, but I would very gladly be one of your fighting ninjas.
I lovelovelove this post and all the comments. I'm going to PDF it for future reference. I expect I'll be needing this info. When the next wave of insightful why-did-you-WAIT-so-long questions start to come in, maybe I'll try the vagina trick. I might be able to make it work with the fact that I have no option other than C-section.
Two of my brothers and their wives have struggled with infertility. They used to tell inquiring people, "We don't really know how that 'getting pregnant' thing works. Could you tell us?" or, "As soon as it's any of your business, we'll let you know." But your "no vagina" response totally rocks! (Boogers-on-the-keyboard laughs from this blogger.)
Thanks for the comments, ladies, and you are in my Ninja Rolodex. You rule. And Geo, you are my new "I don't have to worry" thought--as in, We have only been married 10 years. I don't have to worry about pregnancy until SEVENTEEN years. Thanks for extending my respite!
And strangers who ask questions really do mean well, they just are stupid and try to talk about things.
So when are they going to post your FAQ on the family services site?
You always crack me up...and demonstrate smart snarkiness. I LOVE IT!
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