So I have been thinking about something that CJane said to me: "What matters to you?"
She was using it as a reference point, I think, for sorting out her life. For two weeks I have been thinking about this, and I am no closer to an answer. Being the pleaser that I am, I think that the thing that matters most to me is doing the "right" thing. I am horrible with the gray. Horrible, I tell you.
This is why I get so wound up and terrified when I feel like I have hurt someone's felings, or have angered a parent or friend--because the "right" thing to do is to please everyone. My most important person to please is my Father in Heaven, and I struggle with that on a daily basis. I sometimes want to throw agency out the window--I would love to just know the "right" answers, so that I could do them. (Not for the big things, I know those, but for things like buying chicken or beef. And I know it is not important, and does not matter, but I just want to be doing the "correct" thing. Sick, huh!)
So back to divinity.
The most important aspect of female divinity, in my mind, is the link that we have, as women-creators. (And, yes, I use far too many commas.)
Disclaimer***Please understand that I know the pain of not having children. I have been recently blessed with an amazing daughter, and am eternally grateful. But I never allowed myself to truly hope that she would ever materialize. If you are struggling with the whole concept of being a "have not" in the world of women, please know that you are going through one of the top five hardest things ever. I am very aware of the pity and the pedantry that you sometimes hear. Please don't think that I am feeling that way about you, and please, if you think less of me for the following part of my soul, keep it to yourself. I can't take more confrontation until the New Year.***
So, as women, we have been given the ability to fruit-and-multip inhouse. (In theory, that is.) And it is all reverenced and amazing and all of that. As it should be. Mothers are closest to angels. And mothers come in all shapes and forms. And I am an amazing mother--I will own that, fo shizzle, but I share my mothering with another woman. And I have spent so much of my married, adult life (most of my married life is my adult life) pretending that I never needed to birth a baby that I have completely terrified myself away from it.
I have seen births, I have seen afterbirths, I have seen bar-chinas torn to rectooms (as the poet once said) and I think that it is great for someone else. Not for me. For me it will not work.
So, divinity + pleaser, here comes the tie in:
It has come time for me to get pregnant. I don't know what procedures are going to be necessary, I don't know what plumbing will be rerouted, but it is time. And I don't want to. I am beyond terrified. Double-Dog-terrifed. I don't think that it will work. I don't think that I will be any good at it. I don't think that I will be able to hatch it very well. I know that women do it all of the time, I just don't think I can. I don't think that I can do the physical, and I don't think that I can do the emotional. I don't think that I can hope for nine months. I could barely hope for the week before I held Jooj. And, secretly, I don't think that I can mother-love any others besides Jooj and the Eckton kids. But it is the "right" thing. So how do I conquer this fear? I would rather walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk AND walk than go through with this.
I expressed this to W the other night, and he said "isn't there someone you can talk to? One of your friends has got to feel this way." And I told him that there was no one else. Because I know most of you pretty well. And you are a bunch of pregnancy pinatas. And the ones who aren't probably think that I am ridiculous and loathesome for wanting more, but not wanting more, and so want to slap me across my mouth. (But you will keep that to yourself until the New Year.)
So here is my assignment for me:
Walk a little in the darkness until the light comes on. Because it is more important to please my Father and my family than it is to be comfortable and not terrified.
But maybe you can lie to me a little and tell me that you are scared of things, too? And on January first I will line up for the mouth-slaps.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Back to divinity--still some July left, you know!
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15 comments:
I don't think you're loathesome or ridiculous.
And I'm scared.
So scared.
(blog post drafted; giving engagement post time to ferment)
I didn't read this post until this morning. I heard some guy on the radio talking about embryos (the topic was God in the sciences.) I automatically thought of you (WIERD.) I was thinking about what you told me when we were out to visit about the next steps you're thinking of taking. I was so excited for you.
Everyone is terrified of birthing children, and if they're not, they lack cognitivity. There is a reason that Pres. Faust (I think) calls it the journey through the shadow of death. However, being the total NERD that I am, I realized that today is the safest it's ever been for women to have children. Period. It used to be that up to half of women would die in childbirth, and then only a portion of babies would survive. Our odds are incredible now. In the US, 17 mortalities per 100,000 (most of those were preventable and didn't all correlate to the actual delivery.) If you really want to be safe, more to Iceland (0 per 100 grand) or Austria (4 per 100 grand.)
I think the important thing is once you are pregnant find a doctor that you can trust and take educational control. Learn as much as you can and make a decision on what you want to have happen. Write it up so you are clear.
I remember one friend of mine who had a complete panic attack when she was about 7 months pregnant. "I can't do it, I can't do it!" She was terrified of birth. There was no need for her to be, hers went really well.
As for me, being pregnant was fine and I wasn't scared of delivery, I just thought I might kill my kid on accident. I've never had a pet, and every house plant I have had has died, often because I deliberately decide to ignore them. WHAT IF the kid was the same way? WHAT IF I got tired of feeding and taking care of it and decided to ignore it. Those were my fears.
I adore you!!!
I'm a wus when it comes to physical pain. I freak when giving blood. In fact the second and last time I gave blood to a blood bank to be a "good" person... was so horrific ... well - it was the last time for free. For Drs - I don't have much of a choice.
I totally understand the "I want to be pregnant" because that's just something that was sort of instinctual for me anyway - but I WAS terrified of the actual birthing process. Still am. I don't get the women that can just go in and floop - out it comes. I'm always filled with the what ifs...and my Anne of Green Gables imagination runs wild.
That's the thing about pregnancy/motherhood - you get started and honey - you're not going to go back. Nature's way of saying... hahahahah.
I will say that - while pregnant I feel more full... of spirit, joy...gas. I'm dreading and anticipating with excitement when this baby comes. Dreading that they're going to slice me open to get her out - excited that I'll finally get to see her face to face.
There's nothing wrong with fear - acknowledging that fear is courageous.
Warm adoring hugs from far away and GOOD LUCK. ;-)
ps... a little insurance doesn't hurt either (putting your name in the temple, prayers, blessings...)
Being a pleaser, sooooooooooo an oldest child thing. When you figure this one out, let me know. I'm sure it's a necessary trait to help lead the pack, but it gets a bit ridiculous when I'm stressed about things that really don't matter in the big picture!!!!!!!!!!!
That's all for now... Must let the rest cogitate.
Amen to Amy from another oldest child. I try so hard not to be that--I have seen Dr. Phil (and I swear I've only seen him at all on less fingers than on one hand) villify pleasers and servers worse than philandering abusers. Go figure.
Back to the pregnancy thing. Honey--we are not lying. Scared? Yeah! The only reason anyone has more than one is that delivery somehow has the same characteristics of Versed--you really somehow forget all (well, most) of the scary stuff. Or at least the memory gets watered down from all the tears. (Ooh--is that another good pun or what I say after delivering a 10+ pounder!)
But the part you said about loving was what spoke to me. I remember during some pregnancy dealing with that concern. Could I love anyone else as much as I loved the ones I already had? Was there any more room in my heart? Seriously.
And the answer is yes.
The answer is yes even when they get older and sometimes you don't even like them very much but you still love them.
And then I had to deal with wanting another girl so my daughter could have a sister and then realizing that my last one was going to be a boy (I never found out the gender from the ultrasounds, I just always knew) and feeling guilty over feeling the way I felt. I did get over all that of course, but at the time I was horrified I felt that way.
So baby, kudos to you. It's all part of the "pregnancy pinata" (love that line). It will all be good even the parts that aren't.
God bless you divine sister!
Thank heavens. I feel a little bit less terrified. I thought I was the only person in the whole world that was afraid of not being able to gestate correctly. You labies are my favorite pinatas ever.
And if I die, please make sure W follows all of my instructions, including the white shroud, the lilly, and the castrato choir.
Okay, I don't know you but I really loved this post and thought I could comment. I can tell you that of all things in the world that I hate pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding are at the top of the list. But, go figure, I've done it twice and plan do it at least one or two more times. Why? you may ask. Because I LOVE my babies! It is worth it, believe me. I was also so, so, so worried about having my second; could I love it as much as the first, etc? Now, I'm going to say this very quietly but I think I love the 2nd more. This is only because I'm not a first time mother anymore and so I'm not as paranoid or terrified of everything. I have more confidence, more know-how, and more LOVE TO GIVE. And that, dear stranger, is the best part.
Good luck! You're in for the ride of your life. Enjoy.
Personally, I've always been terrified of the entire process of pregnancy/childbirth. At the same time that I must admit I've always wanted to be sombody's mother, at some point (that point being VERY far down the road), I've also always had a shiver run up my spine when thinking of sharing my body with some other living/growing/calcium-leaching entity. Nevermind actual childbirth - YIPES!!
But as I've gone along in life, and read more, and had the chance to meet women more amazing than I will ever be, I've stummbled across a lot of alternative childbirth methods that make it seem less scary to me.
If the fates ever smile, or the stars align, not that I expect them to, but if they do -- I would be glad to have a dozen of the messy, noisy, needy little buger factories, but only if I can deliver them in one of two ways:
1) Water birth and Hypnobirth (together!!), with an epidural in the wings as back-up (just in case warm water and soothing music aren't enough to mitigate the agony).
2) Totally knocked out and carved like a Thanksgiving turkey.
These are my only two options because I have been severely mentally and emotionally scarred by those Discovery Health Channel Watch-A-Baby-Be-Born shows (I'm, considering a class action lawsuit against the network, anyone else want in? LOL).
BTW - I think that castrato choir is going to be awfully hard to pull together, so you better not die until it comes back into vogue :P
You really aren't alone. I loved being pregnant the first time (It took us a little while, and I think the "we did it!" was so exciting that it rolled over into the pregnancy), but was terrified of having an episiotomy. In fact, I was almost relieved when they told me I'd have to have a c-section.
I'm struggling this time though. How's that? I'm on #3 and I'm having a really hard time being excited about pregnancy/another baby. I know I'll love it when it gets here, but I didn't plan or try for this one. I've also been more sick and dealing with a 3 year-old and a one year-old just makes #3 sound overwhelming.
I'm also a pleaser, so I smile when everyone gets all excited about me being pregnant again, and pretend like I'm super happy too--but I'm not.....yet.
So, it'll work. You'll make it....that's what we're here for, right?
Hugs!!
I'm a lurker, coming out for this post. I was thrilled being pregnant with my first two. Endured difficult pregnancies and two emergency C-sections. You honestly do forget because I have wanted #3 as long as I can remember. After enduring 4+ years of infertility, turning in our adoption papers and wanting #3 so desperately that my heart ached, we are finally amazingly pregnant. Through all of my fertility treatments I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than this baby---but now that he has decided to show up (without fertility treatments I might add), I am a mess. I am nervous and scared about the entire thing. Is the baby okay, can I do the delivery again? Am I too old to get up in the middle of the night, going to the store with a toddler, etc. etc. I keep wondering if I have made a mistake---and remember this is something I have wanted desperately for YEARS!!! Something I prayed for hourly. Some days I think I have lost my mind and I feel so ungrateful that I am even questioning the miracle growing inside of me.
Basically what I am trying to say, is that I think you are 100% normal. We all go through our doubts and fears, which are definately compounded by hormones. Good luck to you and your amazing journey. I wish you the best of success in getting pregnant.
Jill
re: loving the others.
Think back to when you were first married: did you think you could ever, EVER love anyone with as much ferocity and pureness as W? Could you imagine loving another being as much?
(I'll guess...no.)
And what happened when Jooj arrived?
Your heart expanded, your capacity to love increased.
That's how it works.
I think all mothers are afraid of different aspects of their mothering. I may fear different aspects of being a mother, but your post feels very, very familiar. There is something significant that we all fear, but we have to be careful to not let that fear rob us of the joy and excitement that we are entitled to. I don't know you very well, but the few times I've talked with you, I get a real sense that you are really positive and funny, and that's probably one of your strengths as a mother, too.
love is indeed a weird thing. It's just not logical. Logical brains say there is an amount of something, and as you use it up, there isn't more of it--the stuff is finite. I figured that's how love was, and I remember crying with my first baby the night before my second child was born, worrying and wondering how I could possibly love another one as much as the first. Miraculously, I did. And again, and again. Love is just one of those counterintuitive things--it's not finite, and like ~j said, the more we love the more capacity we have to love. It took me having kids to figure this out. And I think this is one itty-bitty window that allows us to see into God--this is how he can love all of his children.
As for fearing birth, I wish I could just say "It'll all be fine, it's not that big a deal" and the fear would go away. Ha. I was scared out of my shorts on the first one. And it just wasn't as pleasant as the other 3 births. They were a breeze by comparison. But much of that was because I knew a little about what was going to happen after the first. The first was just so new and doing things the first time always freaks me out. So I was out of control and an epidural was never so needed, I think. (particularly after biting my husband) With the other three, I was calm and I was happy (here's where the amesia fits) to go unmedicated. I'm not trying to toot my horn or anything, I just think that fear and tension can make things so much worse (along with the fact that the first child kind of blazes the trail here). So my advice (if you wanted any?) is this: learn all you can to make the mystery of birth less ominous, and study relaxation. Whatever it is--hypnosis, water, massage, breathing, whatever--just learn how to relax through it even though it is scary. I read this cheesy thing before #2 that talked about embracing the pain and imagine the baby's head...blah blah blah...is bringing you closer to your final goal... It was so schmalzy it made me gag, but I thought what the heck, it can't make it worse, right? Holy cow. It worked. I was imagining my body spreading and being pleased with the pressure, etc...and it really helped. I never would have guessed.
Lo, you make me laugh :)
Here were my thoughts on the actual birth: I was glad I had the epidural, but was equally glad I let it wear off a bit. When I started pushing I couldn't feel, but to the middle & end I could, which helped a TON. I was thinking the whole time, "I can see how people do this again. It's not pleasant, but it's not awful and painful either."
My mom leaned over at one point and said "See, this is why they call it LABOR." I totally agree, it's work, it's not comfortable, but it's totally something that you can accomplish. I had a small epi, no big deal, just a little sore from the stiches (it did totally freak J out.)
I totally agree with Lo: the more you learn, the more you talk to other women about their experiences, the more educated you become. If you can really take charge of the experience I think it will be a better go of things.
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