We are in the process of finding out where the rest of our kids are. We believe, firmly, that the family was ordained in heaven, and your children get to you however they get to you; I don't need to deliver my babies for them to be mine. I don't even need them to be babies.
That being said, there is a lot to figure out, when you are searching for your children. America? Africa? Foster care? Private adoption? Add to it that I am a big planner, and things start to feel very scary. I spend a lot of time on the interweb, looking and waiting to feel a tingley tingle. (Which is why my kid roams the house like Godzilla, destroying all in her path.)
I know that Bek is a big brain trust of adoption info, so last night I thought "what would Bek do?" and I searched the blogs based on "adoption" and I found something that scared the monkey out of me.
There is a blogger who hates adoption. She hates it.
DISCLAIMER: I am not posting her info, because I don't want to disrespect her opinion. Also, I did not read everything she has written, just the past month, because I got sick to my stomach from just one month. Maybe I am getting the wrong opinion.
From what I can surmise, she placed children for adoption many years ago, and felt that she was coerced into this action, and completely regrets her decision. Based on this, she states the following things:
1. Adoptive parents should be taught to raise their children as ADOPTED children, not as their own
2. Pregnant teens should be taught how to be single mothers, rather than given the choice of adoption, since it is a decision that they will regret for the rest of their lives, across the board.
3. Anyone who counsels a pregnant woman to consider adoption is manipulative, and the use of former birth mothers in adoption groups is coercion.
Friends, this broke my heart.
I can completely understand why she feels this way--I have heard horror stories from women who placed many years ago and felt like they were doing so against their own will. I have also heard horror stories about adoptive parents who were dirty rats. I have seen Laws and Orders about buying babies in NYC. I understand. She has every right to feel this way.
But she doesn't know me, or our amazing birth mother, or my amazing daughter.
She was not there when Jooj was handed to us, and does not understand that we would have handed her right back if we were asked to. In fact, the first thing we asked the social worker when we received the news was "is she sure?--Because we never want her to feel like she was made to give us her child."
How can she expect me to raise my little squirrel with the agenda "you are not mine--one day your real mommy will come for you"?
How can she believe that her life and her children's lives would have been better if she had raised them? Regardless (irregardlessly) from her experience and her pain, she is obviously very smart and successful--what-ifs and if-onlys are turning her into Uncle Rico.
And it hurts me that she is so hurt, and that others are agreeing with her. It hearts my heart. Because all of the adoptive mothers I know don't want your child or her child or the neighbor's child--they want THEIR child. It is different.
PS--maybe one is enough...
Friday, May 26, 2006
setting the cause back 50 years
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9 comments:
I'm partly adopted. My bio-dad left us when I was almost 2. Mom remarried when I was 5 and ever since he has been my daddy. Met my bio-dad when I was 25. Now I have a few more people to love, to love me and my kids --- what's wrong with that. If he were wacko then I wouldn't be involved. That's the beauty of getting to choose. There are some that don't get to choose (sealed records, laws, parents that resist, birthparents that deny). My aunt was adopted as an infant and has searched for her BP's. She reached the BM once but it didn't work out. Disappointment filled her fantasy of this unselfish perfect woman who gave her up for adoption so that she could have a better life. The woman wasn't anything like that. It would've been better that they never met so she could hold on to that fantasy. I had the best daddy growing up; he's helped make me who I am today. Now I have another dad in the picture and he's also influencing me. I think I'm rambling but I've read anti-adoption opinions and feel sad that the hatred consumes them. Just because you can (or can't for that matter) give birth to your own children doesn't mean you're fit to be a parent. With all that hatred spewing I'm grateful that those kids ARE somewhere else. I know a few families that struggle getting pregnant and they feel that their desire and longing for a child makes them MORE fit than "natural" parents to raise children (I'm not talking about W and LaYen). Well, not having authority to judge but having an opinion, I think kids are better off NOT in their family. Oop, did I just say that? Yes, I have an opinion and I just spilt it. Of course I'm not saying ALL, MANY, MOST of them. There are people who can have children of their own that shouldn't (I personally know someone that would give Nyquil to her infants EVERY NIGHT to get them to go to sleep at night; 2 of her children mysteriously died at a young age). I could complain about not knowing my bio-dad growing up, having a malice toward my mom for not allowing me to know him, angry at my "step" dad for trying to BE my dad, hate people who gave their children up for adoption... but I am grateful for the way my life has been. The people that have been influencial in my life, OTHER than my parents (biological or not), are just as important as who's in charge. I feel sympathy for those who are pressured against their will to give up babies but I feel MORE sympathy for those babies who don't have a say and get stuck with a family that raises them to hate (birthparents, adoptive, race, religion, etc.). As adults in the lives of children, it is our duty to protect the innocent; those little ones who have hope, excitement and formidable minds... whether we birth 'em, buy 'em, raise 'em, teach 'em, play with 'em, live by 'em, come into contact with 'em. We need more positive energy in the world and those birthparents need to take responsibility for their actions (sex, etc.) and let those little ones have a chance. Quit dwelling and make changes to do better, be better and when those kids contact you as adults (as I did) they will WANT to be near you because you'll be worth it.
Woa, that's BIG. Sorry.
I appreciate your thoughts Shannon. I know how you feel Yen (and sorry to be the catalyst for that one...).
Darn it...I wrote this big huge thing and now I lost it....I will write again in a little while...
R
E mail me her blog...I might know who you are talking about...
I just remember that the ones that are not happy are usually the ones that blog about it. On the adoption boards, you don't see many "I made the right choice so back off" posters...but I know they are out there.
Hm. I couldn't access that video.
Pregnant teens should be taught how to be single mothers, rather than given the choice of adoption, since it is a decision that they will regret for the rest of their lives, across the board.
Interesting that this lady regrets it now. I think she must be looking back on her life and thinking, "I absolutely could have raised those kids." Meanwhile, reality and maturity say that she couldn't have because she was doing whatever it was that filled those years. It's looking to the past to cure the present: "Oh, if I would have married that person, I'd be happier." And then you find out that that person is a complete lunatic, out of their mind, beats their kids or somesuch. It never works.
That person lacks maturity and is filled to the brim with bitter.
http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/discussions-on-race-prejudice-hate-and-a
This very same topic was just addressed in my friend Erin's blog...she writes for adoption.com. She says it better than I can.
Amen Jen. I do always cringe when I hear older bmoms say to expectant parents who considering adoption as an option...."I did just fine..I got a job and an education..>I could have raised the child". They often didn't have other children for awhile or at all and a part of me always things "but how do you know that?".
I have, however, known bmoms that had another child not too long after the first and they choose to parent and have said "I didn't know I could do it, but I could have". etc. It is hard all around. No question. But that doesn't mean that it is wrong.
Just to contradict Ms. Bitter--I know 3 birth moms, one of them ~30 years ago, who don't regret their decision in the least.
I also have a friend who, at age 40, found his biological brothers. He was the youngest and his single BM decided she couldn't do 4 on her own. His brothers all said that she never regretted her decision because she felt she was doing what was best for all her boys. It definitley goes both ways.
AND, Iove that Ms. Bitter thinks we should not make adoption an option. So that leaves them what? Single mom, abandonment or abortion? Right, because they wouldn't regret any of those situations later in life either!
I've had friends who kept their babies, and friends who gave them up for adoption. I have known so many amazing couples who wanted a child more than anything, and the only way provided for them was adoption. I'm going to have to agree with everyone else and say that that person sounds too immature to be a parent.
Invariably, giving up a child is the most painful thing a bmom can do. But for my friends who gave their babies up, they got to make something out of their lives. They were presented with options and choices that would not have been possible had they kept their children. The ones who were at peace with their decisions were the most conscious of the opportunities they were offering their beloved child by entering into adoption.
Plus, with the way that adoptions can be open these days, they were afforded the chance to still "know" their child.
I just think that kids go where they're supposed to. I would hope that I would have been able to give Guille up should I have been in the her position. I love him too much to hinder his life, but it would have been a deeply personal decision that I would have had to come to after much prayer and pondering.
Two sisters that I know were pregnant at the same time, due dates only 1 week apart. One chose to offer adoption, one chose to be a single mom (the dad was a sr. in high school--he wasn't in the picture much the first couple of years). It was heart-wrenching. I think they both had a hard time. In the long run, I think the one that chose to be the mother had the hardest road. She now has 4 boys (all the same dad), but has always struggled in that relationship--off, on, married, separated, back together, moving out. . .she wouldn't have changed her decision, but she is making the best of it. I think that undoubtedly the one that chose adoption would say her life is so much better. It gave her a chance. It also gave her a chance to lose the birth-father. She is now married to a great guy and has a beautiful daughter, and trying for a second.
I think in these crucial decisions the woman needs to make the decision and be comfortable with it and make the best of it. No good comes from trying to change the past and feeling awful, and making others feel awful about it. I think most of all you can't let this person or anyone else try to make you feel bad. She obviously has issues that perhaps Dr. Phil could sort out for her.
You have a beautiful daughter with two loving parents and you are the one that gives that to her. All she knows is you, YOU are the one that gives her life, everyday. Congratulate yourself for that.
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