A few of my favorite things

I am ready to admit it publicly--I am horribly common. The following is a list of some of my favorite guilty pleasures:

1. Murder She Wrote
I love this show. I realize that I am not 70. I still love this show. I Tivo this show. I love everything about it--the shoulder pads, the typewriters, the way that Mr. Cunningham has a great Maine accent. I love that I never can guess which D lister will pop up as a guest star: Jan Brady as the compassionate, but tough prison bee-atch; Lenny Briscoe as the bumbling private eye; that blond girl from "The Burning Bed" as the glasses-wearing wrongly accused secretary. I LOVE this show. I love Angela Landsbury as the firm and smart Jessica Fletcher, especially when the show takes place in Scotland and she gets to double as her brogue-y cousin. I freaking love this show. I can't say it enough.

2. Bread balls
Yes, I still make bread balls out of white Texas toast. There is no other way to eat it. I encourage the making of bread balls (though not the regurgitated kind like my Uncle Mike used to make--mine are dry). There is no better way to eat plain bread.

3. America's Next Top Model.
Tyra is my home girl. I love the way she tries to convince us that the next top model has to have a personality and something to give of herself--come on, we all know it is going to be the hot black girl that gets chosen. (ALLEGEDLY). Season 1: Adrianne did get chosen over Christian girl--no brainer. If the black Christian girl had not been so irritating and "big-boned" she would have made it to the top two. Season 2: Yoanna beats out ethnic girl with Lupus--but, come on, she had Lupus. No one wants a model with Lupus. Besides, Yoanna looks freaky. Season 3: Eva wins against the uppity black model who kept talking about how smart and refined she was. Tyra was like "nu-uh, you ain't so great." So Eva wins--for once I agree with the verdict. (Although, in retrospect, I like Adrianne--she looks like Joan Jett before she came out of the closet.) Season 4: The height of travesty--Naima wins against country Kalin. Yes, Kalin is a dumb as a bag of cornbread, but she is so the next top model. I love this show and watch it religiously. I love the way that the models are either dumb, Christian, or uppity, sometimes all three. I love the way Janice Dickinson tells them all that they are fat and Tyra tryies to make them think fat girls have a chance. I love the way that they ALWAYS get drunk at an expensive restaurant and throw up on the maitre'd. I love that Tyra makes them have heart-to-heart sessions and they all cry because "my daddy always told me I was ugly." Ahh--pretty girls have feelings, too.

4. Anne of Green Gables
I read this series at least once a year. I also try to convince W to name a son "Gilbert" at least once a year. When I am sick I put my hand over my head very dramatically, just like Anne when she floats away on the skiff pretending to be dead. W has promised me that I can wear white in my coffin and have a lilly in my hand and the other over my forehead because it will be tragic. I find that I italicize more when I am in my Anne phase.

5. Peggy Chris, my Cabbage Patch Doll
PC, as W calls her, is my one true friend. She and I have been through some tough times. We still snuggle every night. I have even thanked Heavenly Father for her. I adore my Cabbage Patch Doll. She has been with me for 21 years, and I want her in white with a lilly next to me in my coffin.

6. Niecy Nash
I love Niecy Nash. I am close to stalking her. If you don't know who she is, shame on you! She is the greatest part of Reno 911 (see number 7) and of the show "Clean House." She makes me feel very ghetto. When she and I have conversations in my head she is always saying "Girl, you did not just do all that foolishness. Get your wax and stacks and get on out of here. MMMhmm." I don't know what it means, but I am like "OK Niecy. I love you."

7. Reno 911
Reno 911 is one of the reasons I am unable to cancel cable. Oh my gosh. I can't do it justice. My favorite line from Reno 911 is: "I could have arrested that guy, too, but I'm on my period." I love Officer Dangle and his short shorts and white cowboy boots "I'm just boot-goofin." I know that it appeals to the lowest common denominator, your point being? (W does not know how much I like this show. He thinks that I just find it amusing. I am afraid he will think less of me...)

8. Corn Dogs. MMM. Going to get me a corn dog pretty soon, I think!

9. Clash of the Titans.
One of the GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Where can I begin? So trashy, so astounding. I still get chills every time that I see Calabus' shadow turn into a horribly deformed goat-guy's shadow and DUNT DUNT DUNT the clay figure has also changed! Also, shirtless Harry Hamlin. I have said it before, I'll say it again, should I ever meet the great Hamlin, I would say "I loved you in Clash of the Titans." He would probably tell me about all the other movies he has been in (or at least tell me he was on LA Law" and I would reply "Right, Perseus. Can you take off your shirt and pretend that you have a metal owl on your arm?" oh Boobo, how I love thee. Also the word "Cracken."

10. Porno synopsis (synopsees?)
I have never seen a porno. (Well, there was that 3 minutes on the bus to Jackson Hole when I was a senior. It was very flabby.) I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading the descriptions of them on the channel guide. I love the way the directors try to have plots, and make phrases like "nubian library goddesses" sound very up and up. Beyond the obvious morality reasons, I don't ever want to watch a porno because it just won't live up to the hype created by the amazing descriptions. (i.e. "shy college students practice kissing at a slumber party that gets out of hand" or "large women live out their inner secrets.")

So, I have probably unmasked myself too much, but I feel better with it off of my chest. I What are your guilty pleasures?