The other day I went to Marshall's, because I needed some new running shoes. Because I am SO active, you know. What with my mile a day. Or not. And while I was there, I found a copy of the Jessica Seinfeld book about hiding vegetables in your carbs. It was $6.99, which is what I would spend in late fees if I were to borrow it from la biblioteca, so I ponied up.
Let me preface this by saying that, for all her nakedness and sass, Jooj will eat veggies like a champ. A cham-peen, if you will. I bought it mostly for me. Because I am lazy. (Have we discussed how I am lazy? Yes? Good.) I love veggies. I will eat them all day. If someone else makes them. I just can't be bothered. I would rather spend my energy eating cereal and sammies. So, I thought, if I can just thrown them in something, I will eat them, right?
Now, I know I have been forewarned. Lisa and Topher attempted this last year. It did not turn out well, from all I have heard. Still, $6.99, so I thought I would try.
Tonight is temple night, so I have to make an actual dinner for Jooj so the babysitter doesn't know how crappy my parenting is, and I always make some snacks to eat in the car on the way to Mexico. What better time than to try out some mac and cheese and especial brownies?
This particular recipe involves spinach and carrots. And margarine. Already I am skeptical. Because I haven't used margarine in a recipe since twelfth grade. Because I believe in butter. Plus, In the notes it says "Be sure to let them cool completely or the spinach taste won't go away."
As a side note, Jooj is watching season three of "Muffins." So I have to keep telling her "That is Fozzie Bear. That is Dr. Teeth." I don't know which is more disheartening: the reminder that the 1970s were absolute crap, complete with Jazz Ensemble Dancing, or the smell of these brownies. And segue!
This brownie batter smells jank. JANK, I tell you. And it looks EXACTLY like my poop. FYI: I have a VERY healthy colon. If you were building a person from scratch, you would want to use my colon as a base for the rest of the colons in the new race you were forming. It is highly effective. Want to know what your poop should look like? Make these brownies.
Gravy, I love that Swedish Chef. Bork Bork Bork!
Okay, the brownies are out of the oven. Don't they look, um, EXACTLY LIKE A BUFFALO CHIP?
Maybe I will frost them? After they cool so they no longer taste like spinach?
While they cool, enjoy this picture of the kitchen towel I made.
Meanwhile, I am making the macaroni and cheese with the hidden cauliflower. It starts off circumspect: A roux made from olive oil, not butter, and ZERO Grueyere. Plus cauliflower.
Here are four things I will only eat if I am on the Amazing Race and have to ingest for a million dollars:
Mangos
Boiled Carrots Mashed With Turnips
Orange Creamsicles
Cauliflower
So the roux actually thickens in a pretty way, and then I add some cream cheese and some sharp cheddar. And the cauliflower puree. Ew. The thick roux now looks like, um, creamsicles. Great.
I add the pasta to the cauliflower-sicle sauce. Jooj proclaims "I don't want macamookie, I want PASTA." She spits it out.
But, actually, it is not bad. Kind of good, actually. I mean, it is not Kraft Dinner with Ketchup, but it is good. I can't taste the cauliflower. You can trust me on this, because if I could taste it I would be throwing up. But I am writing a blog post, not choking on my face.
Brownies are cool. In temperature, not awesomeness. Gravy, they are nasty. The only way people would think this "brownie" is a dessert is if they are jerk-faces. There is no way those Seinfeld kids are falling for that. Unless, of course, they are jerk-faces. Not even frosting will save these. Maybe Jooj will eat them, but probably not. Because she is not a jerk-face. Oh, these are gross. I need to go eat some cauliflower to take the taste out of my mouth.
To wrap up:
1. Celebrities are not chefs. We need to never listen to them again.
2. My colon rules
3. W calls my poop bionic. ( I forgot to tell you that up there.)
4. Don't eat things that are for jerk-faces.
5. Now I have to find a new treat for the drive to Mexico.
You are welcome.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Why Must You Turn My Kitchen Into a House of Lies?
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24 comments:
This whole post was funny, but the funniest thing is that you have to hide vegetables from yourself and not your little Woman-Cub.
The only thing worse than those brownies is paying full price for that book...which I did.
The entire book, with it's moosh make ahead slop in a bag grosses me out.
Thank you for the pictures while it cooled. That was a nice touch.
How much will you pay for my Zucchini Brownie recipe?
That sounds horrific.
Except for the olive oil roux, because I do that for my macamookie.
And I like cauliflower.
I can always count on you for a laugh...well except for those moments you make me cry.
And, I LOVE, do you hear me, LOVE the kitchen towel!!
Too bad you couldn't give Jooj your bionic colon. A healthy digestive system is so underrated, and so valuable.
Take it from the girl who eats prunes every day like a shriveled oldster.
This post cracked me up today. I needed that.
I remember the post that Topher/Lisa wrote on the book too.
How's this? I paid full price on Amazon for it.
Never used it because my kids will eat veggies without them being hidden. And, if you saw the Oprah when the SEinfelds were on promoting it, Jerry RAVED about the brownies.
He said they were the best ever!
Those look nasty. My family has a recipe for prune brownies...they taste weird(my parents love them though, go figure).
The post is stinkin' rad though.
I have just one suggestion for you for your next trip to El Templo
carrot cake cupcakes(cream cheese frosting of course!)
I will name our next kid Dalene ZOloft, or Zoloft Dalene for that recipe.
And yes to the Carrot Cakes.
And I love prunes. But I don't have to eat them every day because I am bionic.
I brought some MnMs in the car. Everyone was disappointed. Until I told them about the spinach and the carrots and the jank.
Oh, and sometimes I get all sad because I don't get asked to post at Segullah or LRS and then I realize: It is probably because I talk about my poop a lot. So it makes a lot of sense.
I almost posted at Segullah today about poop, but thought I would probably get fired for it. So instead i wrote something lame and dumb. But at least it's not about poop.
Anyway, I don't know how I found you, but you popped up on my Google reader today and I'm ever so glad. You're very funny.
Three words: Bork. Bork. Bork.
and the fact that the mrs. jerry stole her entire book from another cook (allegedly) doesn't make those brownies taste any better now does it?
KK, that just means that there are more people in the world who don't like to eat things that taste good. No wonder our economy has tanked.
And welcome Jennie! I always wanted to be a google reader suggestion. And way to show restraint on the Segullah post. I know it is hard. Gravy, I know.
Yen, I found you in the first place because of a google reader suggestion. And I've always wondered if I ever show up there.
Also - I have been racking my brains (which doesn't take long) for like two days now trying to remember where I've heard that "why must you turn my [whatever] into a house of lies?" thing, besides on the Simpsons. I know I've heard it elsewhere. Driving me nuts.
Never mind, I found it. That's right, I first heard "house of lies" from Eric D. Snider.
I admire your sticktoitiveness, Fig. I just heard it from the Simpsons.
Love the kitchen towel ... wouldn't try the brownies for a gajillion bucks though.
I've tried being vegan twice in my life (and have been vegetarian a few other times - we're only talking months at a time though) and came to the conclusion (from eating all kinds of soy-based faux stuff) that not all taste buds are created equally. Some people (and I suspect it's the 'naturally anorexic' ones) just cannot appreciate butter.
So my big butt and I will only buy cookbooks by either Nigella Lawson or Paul Dean (Rachel Ray just annoys me).
Oh, I find this gem when dealing with google that keeps popping up in Japanese.
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-bork/
that's right google in bork,bork, bork!
I love the Swedish Chef! We had the pleasure of introducing him to our boys. Somehow they didn't appreciate him quite like I do. I also love Beaker...and Sam the Eagle...and the old coots in the balcony (can't remember their names right now for the life of me). I wish they still had the Muppet Show (sigh).
Spinach brownies? Ultimate naaaaaaasty.
I have so much to learn from you . . . digestion . . . humor in the face of food adversity . . . .
My word verification was ATE STM.
Random late night thought, what if mrs. Seinfeld makes the stuff and tells the cook to use it, but the smart cook just chucks it. Jerry thinks he has spinach brownies, but really they're just Betty Crocker. It'd be what I would do when faced with weirdness.
I bet that is it. You are a genius, soybean lover.
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